I will speak softly, presuming all are hungover and depressed at the prospects of the pending Clemson/Bama national final. Anyway, these are today’s exhibitions.

Terrible Faux-Australian Steak Bowl – Northwestern vs. Tennessee (Noon, ESPN2)

My general take would be that the Mildcats are less bad than the Vols, but one must admit that the SEC has done significantly better than expected in the exhibition season so far. Maybe it will be entertaining, at least.

Citrus Bowl – Michigan vs. Florida (1:00, ABC)

I don’t know what the line is, but for fuck’s sake, BET THE UNDER.

Fiesta Bowl – Notre Dame vs. Ohio State (1:00, ESPN)

Serious, giant earthquake. If there was ever a time we needed you more, I sure as fuck can’t remember it.

Rose Bowl – Stanford vs. Iowa (5:00, ESPN)

Finally, a game that one can feel good about watching, and perhaps the white knuckle period of your hangovers will at least be over. And NO, I will not call it “the Rose Bowl game” as I don’t give two fucks about your parade. Too bad Stanford couldn’t have been in the semifinals, maybe we could have had one game that didn’t suck hind teat.

Sugar Bowl – Oklahoma State vs. Ole Miss (8:30, ESPN)

The grand finale of your sporting 1 January. There Will Be Offense. And not just because of Johnny Reb’s confederacy-lovin’ supporters. Or those really bizarre orange BDSM paddles the Pokes fans always bring with them.