Hello, I’m current National Football League commentator Trent Green, and I read the article on your site that said not to buy any National Football League merchandise or go to as many games and just watch it at home, and I couldn’t disagree more. As part of the National Football League, I am part of a family of players and coaches and media that really feel like a family to me, like a family I may have been a part of at one point but now introduce myself to anew every time I show up in a new city to call a new game. Because that’s really the beauty of this league–it’s always fresh and new, like I’m seeing it for the first time every time.

But it’s more than that. So much more, I can barely find the words to talk about it. I looked in big book of words just now to see if they had the words for me to use in describing The National Football League, but there is no comparison to be made between the National Football League and a young man stranded out in the wilderness with just a hatchet.

So where was I? Yesterday, I mean. Was I in Kansas City again? Or was that Miami.

Wait, Miami… that… that’s where… where…

Hello, I’m NFL QB Trent Green, and I want you to vote for me in this year’s Pro Bowl. I know you said you weren’t interested in buying any NFL merchandise, but these limited edition Pro Bowl Hawaiian-themed NFL drink coasters would look great in your man cave, and, let me tell you, showing up at your local stadium to watch a wonderful NFL game–an experience that cannot be replicated on the television, no sir–wearing a Pro Bowl jersey of your favorite player, well, that would just be the bee’s knees and all those other well-behaved stadium fans would certainly be jealous of you–just don’t let them dump beer on you!

You should vote for me for the Pro Bowl since in this full, complete, no-games-missed season in Miami, I’ve shown that I have superior arm strength, pocket presence, decision making, definitely no short term memory loss, and I can make the hard passes, or make the right reads, or tie my shoes, or tell you the difference between an apple and an orange over 75% of the time. Just don’t show me a pear. Or is it a pair? What if there was a pair of pe…ar…s… uh… heh.

Hello, I’m start NFL prospect Trent Green, and I can’t wait to get drafted into the NFL and show them what I can do. The NFL is the best league in sports and certainly faces no competition from any other sport, so being a part of a league that has the means and the technology to make itself both exciting and safe over the long term really appeals to my sense of elbow. Sense of excitement, that is. I wouldn’t want to elbow my words when I’m trying to tell you about all the good things the NFL has done to my brain. My brain.

My brain is hurting again. I should go lie down. Please wake me up when the pudding bell rings. I do elbow me some pudding. Especially when watching pro football with my dad in my footie pajamas. I can’t wait for Sunday!