Remember that scene in “The Great Outdoors” where John Candy is trying to eat that 96-oz steak (one has to suspend disbelief and pretend that would be a challenge), and Dan Aykroyd insists he’s finished. “There’s nothing left on that plate but fat and gristle!”

Ladies and gentlemen, your fat and gristle…

10E Pittsburgh vs. 7E Wisconsin (6:50, TNT)

The bland leading the bland. Anytime one of these sides is ahead, feel free to use this historically apt line.

14E Stephen F. Austin vs. 3E West By God Virginia (7:10, CBS)

Taking on all of The King of Track Suits’ men seems like a mighty tall order for one dude, even if’n he is from Texas.

14W Green Bay vs. 3W Texas A&M (7:20, TBS)

Both of these professional sports organizations are far more known for their footy pursuits, so what an interesting fish out of water tale this shall be!

16(T)W Holy Cross vs. 1W Oregon (7:27, truTV)

No means quack?

15E Weber State vs. 2E Xavier (9:20, TNT)

Harold “The Show” Arcineaux ain’t walking through that door, which is too bad, because Xavier be ripe for the pluckin.’

11(T)E Michigan vs. 6E Notre Dame (9:40, CBS)

Something about Desmond Howard and Rocket Ismail.

11W Northern Iowa vs. 6W Texas (9:50, TBS)

This makes me think about former Panther RB David Johnson, who will be my top keeper next season, and now I really wants it to be football season already. Also, FUCK TEXAS and FUCK SHAKA SMART.

9W Cincinnati vs. 8W St. Joseph’s (9:57, truTV)

Phil Martelli looks exactly the same as when he coached that Elite Eight squadron, which I think was like 15 years ago. Pretty sure he bathes in toddler blood. Also pretty sure he would kick Mick Cronin’s ass in a fight, which would make this game worth watching.