Stab My Ears with Broken Mirros

I love music. You name it, I will listen to it. Except new country, I’d rather be locked in a closet with Cris Collinsworth, so you know I fucking hate new country.

 

Over the years, I’ve kept up with my favorite type of music, which I guess is called “alternative.” But I stopped listening to that shit because every fucking band sounds like a bunch of dudes who wish they had vaginas. Every song sounds like a Smith song, except way more whiny, bitchy, and pussified.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some old guy chasing kids off the front of my lawn; I keep myself open to new music. Except new country. I would rather spend a day living inside Donald Trump’s mouth than listen to that shit.

 

I have two sons, and I have tried my best to introduce them to the music that I have loved. It’s worked, kind of. They like Springsteen (I’m sure Sill considers this child abuse, but I know for a fact that he likes to walk around the house wearing vintage lingerie and stiletto heels and singing Foghat songs); my oldest loves Zeppelin and the Ramones – and the middle child likes Black Flag, The Clash, and Social Distortion.

 

But when we’re driving, my kids grab cue up Spotify and play the most unbelievably shitty fucking music humanity has ever produced. There are two songs that make me want to start tearing out throats with my bare teeth.

 

One of these songs is called “Sweatshirt” I refer to it as “Shitshirt.” I cannot believe it was written and created by humans, but animals would never cop to producing this aural excrement. The song centers around a fucking idiot kid who is boning a total slut, and he wants her to know that his love can be clearly seen because he lets her wear his sweatshirt.

 

I am not making this shit up, because I have not done enough drugs or liquor or other abusive substances to make up this kind of fucking shit. The “music” that comprises this song is absolute dreck, it’s nails on chalkboard. Imagine that Auto-Tune was able to shit, and after too much coffee, burritos, corn, and fruit, it sprayed fecal matter all over the wall. The result is the music to this song.

 

The other song we listen to is “Toothbrush.” It makes me stupider when I listen to it. It also infuriates me, imagine James Harrison on meth, and he’s in a cage, and he can barely reach Tom Brady – that’s the fury that engulfs me. In fact, my wife called me once when this song was on, and I bit her head off and screamed “EAT MY FUCK!” to another driver who cut me off. My sons were oblivious to all of it, because this piece of shit was playing in the car.

 

So you’re thinking, “Fozz is an old shit living in the past. Probably has a pair of Jams, Vans, Vuarnet sunglasses and a Town and Country surf designs t-shirt. He looks like an escaped patient from a mental institution. Also, he is pants-shitting drunk.”

You are correct.

Here’s my point, these songs have no artistic merit, and they don’t even make you want to get up on a table and dance until you fall off. No soul, no feelings, no emotion. They are Joe Flacco on a Quaalude.

It’s not the genre of pop, it’s the fact there is no talent in pop music.

Here are the top singles from 1968

  1. Hey Jude The Beatles
  2. Love is Blue Paul Mauriat
  3. Honey Bobby Goldsboro
  4. (Sittin’ On) The Dock of the Bay Otis Redding
  5. People Got to Be Free The Rascals
  6. Sunshine of Your Love Cream
  7. This Guy’s in Love With You Herb Alpert
  8. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Hugo Montenegro
  9. Robinson Simon & Garfunkel

Here are the top singles of 2015. (I have not heard one of them, but I would rather gargle dog vomit than listen to one single note.)

 

  1. The Hills [Explicit] Beauty Behind the Madness
  2. Hello 25
  3. Can’t Feel My Face Beauty Behind the Madness
  4. Hotline Bling Views
  5. Stressed Out Blurryface
  6. Want to Want Me Everything Is 4
  7. See You Again Furious 7
  8. Where Are U Now Purpose
  9. Love Yourself Purpose
  10. Cake By The Ocean Cake By The Ocean

Now excuse me, I’m going to pour myself a glass of trouble and listen to “And Out Come the Wolves.”

Sayonara, you miraculous group of heathens.

This shit made me smile:

I spent the Ravens home opener drinking with my good friends and my closest cousin. We finished the night drinking bourbon out of commemorative Orioles and Baltimore Colts glasses from 1970. Goddamn was it a great day.

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ballsofsteelandfury
Member

You want a fucking great year for music? What about 1984?

This is only the alternative list:

DURAN DURAN – The Reflex
CULTURE CLUB – Karma Chameleon
NENA – 99 Luftballoons
THOMPSON TWINS – Hold Me Now
WANG CHUNG – Dance Hall Days
BANANARAMA – Cruel Summer
DURAN DURAN – Wild Boys
THE FIXX – Are We Ourselves
THE POLICE – Wrapped Around Your Finger
ROMANTICS – Talking in Your Sleep
THE CARS – You Might Think
FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD – Two Tribes
EURYTHMICS – Here Comes the Rain Again
COREY HART – Sunglasses at Night
R.E.M. – South Central Rain (I’m Sorry)
THOMPSON TWINS – Doctor Doctor
RE-FLEX – Politics of Dancing
TALK TALK – It’s My Life
PSYCHEDELIC FURS – The Ghost In You
INXS – Original Sin
BILLY IDOL – Eyes Without a Face
THE CARS – Drive
THOMPSON TWINS – The Gap
R.E.M. – (Don’t Go Back to) Rockville
BERLIN – No More Words
ROMEO VOID – A Girl in Trouble (is a Temporary Thing)
DURAN DURAN – New Moon on Monday
CYNDI LAUPER – Girls Just Want To Have Fun
GO-GO’s – Head Over Heels
STYLE COUNCIL – My Ever Changing Moods
HOWARD JONES – What Is Love
R.E.M. – Pretty Persuasion
ADAM ANT – Strip
ORCHESTRAL MANOEUVRES IN THE DARK – Locomotion
REAL LIFE – Send Me an Angel
INXS – I Send a Message
SMITHS – What Difference Does It Make
BILLY IDOL – Flesh For Fantasy
THE CURE – Caterpillar
WANG CHUNG – Don’t Let Go
CULTURE CLUB – War Song
EDDY GRANT – Romancing the Stone
THE CARS – Hello Again
ORCHESTRAL MANOEUVRES IN THE DARK – Tesla Girls
INXS – Burn For You
HOWARD JONES – New Song
THOMPSON TWINS – You Take Me Up
SMITHS – William, It Was Really Nothing
ICICLE WORKS – Whisper To a Scream
BIG COUNTRY – Fields of Fire
SIOUXSIE & THE BANSHEES – Dazzle
COREY HART – It Ain’t Enough
A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS – The More You Live, The More You Love
NAKED EYES – (What) In the Name of Love
THOMAS DOLBY – Hyperactive
JOE JACKSON – You Can’t Get What You Want (Till You Know What You Want)
UB40 – Red Red Wine
SMITHS – Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now
SIOUXSIE & THE BANSHEES – Swimming Horses
WEIRD AL YANKOVIC – Eat It
DAVID BOWIE – Tonight
CULTURE CLUB – It’s a Miracle
XTC – This World Over
HUSKER DU – Turn On The News
ELVIS COSTELLO & THE ATTRACTIONS – Only Flame in Town
EURYTHMICS – Right By Your Side
BOOMTOWN RATS – Drag Me Down
IGGY POP – Choice Cuts
ULTAVOX – Dancing With Tears In My Eyes
MINISTRY – Nature of Love
MIDNIGHT OIL – When the Generals Talk
X – Wild Thing
UB40 – Cherry Oh Baby
XTC – All You Pretty Girls
UB40 – If It Happens Again
BLACK FLAG – My War
RAMONES – Too Rough To Die
THE GO-BETWEENS – Bachelor Kisses
UB40 – Riddle Me

King Hippo
Member

Winner, winner, chicken dinner. ’84 was the absolute tits. Or whatever tits equivalent was, given that I was 11 at the time.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

T&C FUCKING RULES!!

Also, MAUI & SONS!

SonOfSpam
Member

“Stab My Ears with Broken Mirros”

Here you are bitching about today’s music and yet you’re apparently using some obscure Greek weapon to deafen yourself. Fucking hipster.

(and while I generally agree with your music rant, “Honey” by Bobby Goldsboro is just elevator music Bieber)

Duchess
Member

This is relevant

https://dailymotion.com/video/x2ehatl

by the way… I’m sorry to say i…i kind of like 21 pilots.

blaxabbath
Member

“Sill considers this child abuse, but I know for a fact that he likes to walk around the house wearing vintage lingerie and stiletto heels and singing Foghat songs.”

I fuckin’ knew it!

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Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

SLOW RIDE
TAKE IT EASY
SLOW RIDE
TAKE IT EASY
SLOW RIDE
TAKE IT EASY
SLOW RIDE
TAKE IT EASY

Yep, that was some proper lyricsmithy, all right.

/adjusts fishnets
//makes sure the rose is in the front

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I have to listen to Drake, Rihanna, and Nikki Minaj at work all day on free Pandora stations, so every ten minutes I have to hear the same five horrifically stupid ads. I have no sympathy for you, fucker.

I offered to play a Spotify station for my co-workers, who are half my goddamn age, and because I am willing to pay a premium never to hear ads. This is after I played one and a half golden age Wu-Tang songs and they couldn’t handle it. Anyway, at least I put my foot down and said that I will never let Chris Brown play on my phone because he is a giant piece of shit. These goddamn girls. I don’t understand. I don’t want to understand.

Kungjitsu
Member
Kungjitsu

It’s not you. Post 1990 music sucks. I used to chalk it up to me being old, but not anymore. My wife teaches at an arts middle school, and all the kids love the current shit. BUT about 10 years ago I noticed the musicians skip the 00’s and the 90’s and go all the way back to the 80’s for their “classic” stuff.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli
Member

CAKE BY THE OCEAN! Wonder where those ridiculous words came from?

“Working on the record, these Swedish producers that we were working with, they kept confusing ‘sex on the beach’ with ‘cake by the ocean,’ so that’s how the song started,” Joe explained. “Then, it became this kind of lyrically wacky song, and it kind of embodies the band. It’s funky, it’s fresh, I think it’s something that people can dance to.”

Those crazy, Swedes!

monty this seems strange to me
Member

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Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons
Fronkenshteen
Member

Sat next to a confederate flag-laden pickup truck at a red light here (VA) recently. Driver was right out of central casting: sleeves hacked off t-shirt, Tattoos Of Power, hat with fishing hook on bill, dip lump in lip. He was blasting new country with the window down, and I pulled up just in time to hear the hip-hop break that shows up in a lot of these fucking songs. This time it was a 30 second rap verse about southern pride and heritage. The usual horseshit these morons say when people can hear them. But boy, that’s a ballsy genre for these bastards to co-opt.

How many of you guys knew Cleveland was fucked after the 2 point PAT return? I did!

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

Wasn’t if but how.

Thanks foar the 130-point beatdown.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

I sort of did too. I was playing against Baltimore’s defense in fantasy and I saw them go from 0 to 5 and was wondering how the hell that happened, then looked at Cleveland’s score and put 2 and 2 together.

Doktor Zymm
Member

Pretty much the only place I listen to what might possibly be new music is at the gym. I’ve discovered that we’ll never have to worry about future generations not knowing old hip hop classics because they’ll all be remixed and sampled constantly to make newish hits.

Sill Bimmons
Member
Sill Bimmons

For someone who does as much gymming and traveling as you do a set of noise-cancelling headphones would seem like a sound investment.

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