¹There was a man who had two sons.

²And the younger of the sons said, “ARRRRRROOOOOOO, I WANT MY INHERITANCE NOW.”

³So the younger son gathered all he had and took a journey into a far country

and there he squandered his property in reckless living.

⁴And when he had spent everything, a severe famine broke out.

⁵He could make it a while without alcohol to drink, and he could even make it without prostitutes, but soon he became hungry. ⁶So he hired himself out to one of the men of that country

who sent him into his fields to tend to the pigs.

⁷But even the pigs had more to eat than he did. ⁸So he said to himself, “Shit, I’ll just go back to dad.”

⁹While he was still a long way off, he caught sight of his father and saw that Dad was otherwise engaged at the moment.

¹⁰Now the older son heard a commotion.

¹¹DOOR FLIETH OPEN

¹²“HOW THE FUCK YOU DOIN’, BOY?”

¹³And the younger son said, “Bro, I thought you’d be mad that I pissed away Dad’s money on blow and hookers.”

¹⁴But the older son replied, “Nah, I was just on my way out for some pussytubin’ myself. ¹⁵So how are those hookers in that country?”

¹⁶“So fucking hot. I think one of them had a dick, though.”

¹⁷“Uh oh! Did little bro have confused feelings? ¹⁸Anyway, glad you’re back. Come on, we’ll get you a fine garment and after the harvest season we’ll put a ring on that finger, you and me together, Bro!”

¹⁹And the younger son was grateful. “ARRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. ²⁰So when are we going to eat the fattened calf?”

²¹“Don’t talk about Mom that way.”