Please Drive Your Car Off a Bridge

Every damn day I drive to work. The round trip takes about two hours. And every minute of those hours I am filled with loathing. The kind reserved for obese people at Chinese buffets and child molesters.

People cannot fucking drive. They think they can. They cannot. Because 99.5% of the idiots on the fucking road have tapioca for brains. Most of them are trying to text, or read emails. Let me clue you in – you are not that important. You are an ant on the garbage pile of life and those messages carry the same weight as a fart bubble.

(As for me, I have cat like reflexes, eyes in the back of my head, and the same DNA as Richard Petty. I am above reproach.)

Moving on, I have broken down the different types of fuckfaces who should be rolled in honey and fed to a pack of hungry badgers. If you are one of these people, cut your hands off and take the motherfucking bus, or use Uber – make sure the driver isn’t a slobbering lunatic who wants to wear your scalp as a loincloth.

Rubberneckers
We all have seen a police car with lights going. A broken down truck is NOT a live sex show. Fender benders are as exciting as Joe Flacco. So don’t fucking stop. The only time you should slow down on the road is when a spaceship full of sex starved hermaphrodite midget aliens have crashed into a bus carrying a women’s volleyball team tripping on Ecstasy. Then you may stop and send videos to me.

German Car Drivers
I don’t give a tin shit that you own a German car. You are not HEINZ-HARALD FRENTZEN. You are an ego centric toolshed who thinks he is on the autobahn. I know you have a fake tan, capped teeth, and the ethics of Roger Goodell. When you come blazing down the fast lane and cut over to the slow lane, I want to jam hypodermic needles loaded with bleach into your testicles.

Tiny Woman, Big Car
Fuck you soccer mom in a gigantic SUV. Do you need to transport SEAL Team 6 on their way to eliminate an ISIS leader? You do not. Also, the fucking thing is too big for you to adequately steer. Go home and watch a morning television show and make love to a cucumber.

Moving Billboard
Oh, you vacation at a beach? You have run a marathon? You support INSERT DICK BAG POLITICIAN HERE? No one needs to know. And if you have one of those retarded “stick figure” stickers, watch out. I will reduce you to a quivering pile of viscera and feed it to goats. You are everything that is wrong in our society. I hate your guts.

Pennsyltucky Sucks
As a Maryland resident, I encounter Pennsylvania drivers every day. They are the John Wayne Gacy of drivers. Every last one of them thinks they are a NASCAR driver. Their cars are shitboxes. Their favorite move is to barrel down your lane, tailgate you, whip around, and then cut in front of you – and then slow down. I want to nuke this state into oblivion.

Customized Japanese Cars
Why God? What did we do wrong? I would prefer gigantic suppurating boils on my ass than having to share the road with this group. They drive shitty cars and slut them up with rims, stickers, crappy paint jobs, and mufflers that vibrate your fillings. Every one of these cars is driven by a shifty looking white boy wearing a backwards baseball cap.

There are so many more types of douche nozzles I could list, but I have a date with a bottle of bourbon that I must keep. Plus, I think one of my kids burned down a playground, or maybe a tree. Good luck out there, stay safe, and if you wear headphones while driving, you should be crucified. (Not the usual way, where they hung you with ropes, the Jesus Christ way, where they drove fucking nails into your wrists and feet.)

On A Lighter Note

I realized that Donald Trump can get ass cancer like any other person in the world. Just have to sit and wait. And pray. Fuck that guy.