Every damn day I drive to work. The round trip takes about two hours. And every minute of those hours I am filled with loathing. The kind reserved for obese people at Chinese buffets and child molesters.
People cannot fucking drive. They think they can. They cannot. Because 99.5% of the idiots on the fucking road have tapioca for brains. Most of them are trying to text, or read emails. Let me clue you in – you are not that important. You are an ant on the garbage pile of life and those messages carry the same weight as a fart bubble.
(As for me, I have cat like reflexes, eyes in the back of my head, and the same DNA as Richard Petty. I am above reproach.)
Moving on, I have broken down the different types of fuckfaces who should be rolled in honey and fed to a pack of hungry badgers. If you are one of these people, cut your hands off and take the motherfucking bus, or use Uber – make sure the driver isn’t a slobbering lunatic who wants to wear your scalp as a loincloth.
Rubberneckers
We all have seen a police car with lights going. A broken down truck is NOT a live sex show. Fender benders are as exciting as Joe Flacco. So don’t fucking stop. The only time you should slow down on the road is when a spaceship full of sex starved hermaphrodite midget aliens have crashed into a bus carrying a women’s volleyball team tripping on Ecstasy. Then you may stop and send videos to me.
German Car Drivers
I don’t give a tin shit that you own a German car. You are not HEINZ-HARALD FRENTZEN. You are an ego centric toolshed who thinks he is on the autobahn. I know you have a fake tan, capped teeth, and the ethics of Roger Goodell. When you come blazing down the fast lane and cut over to the slow lane, I want to jam hypodermic needles loaded with bleach into your testicles.
Tiny Woman, Big Car
Fuck you soccer mom in a gigantic SUV. Do you need to transport SEAL Team 6 on their way to eliminate an ISIS leader? You do not. Also, the fucking thing is too big for you to adequately steer. Go home and watch a morning television show and make love to a cucumber.
Moving Billboard
Oh, you vacation at a beach? You have run a marathon? You support INSERT DICK BAG POLITICIAN HERE? No one needs to know. And if you have one of those retarded “stick figure” stickers, watch out. I will reduce you to a quivering pile of viscera and feed it to goats. You are everything that is wrong in our society. I hate your guts.
Pennsyltucky Sucks
As a Maryland resident, I encounter Pennsylvania drivers every day. They are the John Wayne Gacy of drivers. Every last one of them thinks they are a NASCAR driver. Their cars are shitboxes. Their favorite move is to barrel down your lane, tailgate you, whip around, and then cut in front of you – and then slow down. I want to nuke this state into oblivion.
Customized Japanese Cars
Why God? What did we do wrong? I would prefer gigantic suppurating boils on my ass than having to share the road with this group. They drive shitty cars and slut them up with rims, stickers, crappy paint jobs, and mufflers that vibrate your fillings. Every one of these cars is driven by a shifty looking white boy wearing a backwards baseball cap.
There are so many more types of douche nozzles I could list, but I have a date with a bottle of bourbon that I must keep. Plus, I think one of my kids burned down a playground, or maybe a tree. Good luck out there, stay safe, and if you wear headphones while driving, you should be crucified. (Not the usual way, where they hung you with ropes, the Jesus Christ way, where they drove fucking nails into your wrists and feet.)
On A Lighter Note
I realized that Donald Trump can get ass cancer like any other person in the world. Just have to sit and wait. And pray. Fuck that guy.
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I would come back and rec this post every day if I could. As someone with similar drive times, I agree on all counts, especially the Asian car thing. “Well I thought that was just a regular old Hyundaii Acent, but Oh my gawwwddd HE HAS GLASS PACKS AND AN AFTERMARKET DIGITAL TAC!!! Look out world, Cody and Dylan are gunning for you.”
My previous job was 72 miles away from where I lived. They paid me VERY well but two plus hours of L.A. traffic EACH WAY finally convinced me that money truly wasn’t everything. I hated my life during this time.
I ended up quitting the job, taking a job that paid me just over half of what I was previously making and now I live in the same town where I work and I have a 7 minute commute down city streets to get to work.
Your quality of life skyrockets when you don’t have to fuck with traffic and the L.A. freeway system.
Why not just move closer to the high paying job?
You should visit LA sometime…. it’s a nice place to visit.
1/3/17: Cardinals at Rams for the first time in LA.
I’m going to show up and be very disrespectful.
Wow… Cards and Rams? That’s a nice double fuck-you game for St Louis.
Can we talk about people that are perfectly happy to do the speed limit on the left lane? Fuck those jerks!
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Their polar opposites but equally cunty brothers are those tailgating and not letting people merge in the right lane.
Does anyone else have their own set of profanity they use ONLY for driving? I dunno how long I had been using it before I realized that I was exclaiming that nearly every driver that offended my unique sensibilities was a “dickmonkey.” This had no racial or gender connotation. For fuck’s sake, it doesn’t make any SENSE…just a pure reflex swear that my animal brain created to avoid aneurysm, I suppose.
“Cocksocket” is my preferred driving term of endearment.
A lot of times I’ll use the same at great volume and then realize my windows are down and the children at the intersection are receiving a great education.
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I use all the inappropriate terms that the PC police would hang me for if I used them on, say, some dickjoke internet blog. At least in my car I can be sure no one is going to accidentally overhear my language because I’m thumping my NWA way too loud for that.
I used the term “dicksmack” very often when driving. Also, for some reason, “cunthole” is a favorite, although redundant.
My goal in life is to be rich enough to get in minor accidents all day long just to inconvenience shitty drivers. Like slamming on the brakes when someone is tailgating; then it is (legally (?)) their fault. I will have to get the number of Peyton’s neck guy though.
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That would be a fulfilling life.
People who don’t pull all the way forward at a stop drive me up the fucking wall.
YOU COULD FIT ANOTHER CAR IN THERE YOU GOD DAMN CLOWN! WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS?! THANKS FOR DOING THIS EVERY TIME I NEED TO GET INTO A TURN LANE AND CAN’T GET AROUND YOUR FAT ASS BECAUSE THERE’S NOW A MEDIAN IN THE WAY FOR SOME STUPID AESTHETIC REASON OR SOMETHING!
/Ahem
I now actively educate people on this important subject by pulling into the space they leave if I find myself in the adjacent lane. Maybe you’ll actually pull forward enough next time, asshat.
Sadly, in Vancouver one has to do this because the road sensors that trigger the advance won’t go off unless there are 3-4 cars in the turning bay.
It doesn’t forgive it; it might just explain it. It still doesn’t forgive the fact it’s a tricked-out Humscalade.
If there’s anything that I’ve learned about the Canadian government, its that they absolutely love making you guys wait in lines for basic services, like healthcare and left turns.
We cut down on the waiting by denying service; it’s the only way to make it efficient.
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I reject that reasoning completely.
HOLY SHIT THIS!!!!!
You are doing the Lord’s work by doing that. What pisses me off even more is when they do that when there is a left motherfucking turn lane and by being douches they prevent people from getting in that lane and making a left as God intended. You better believe I ride that horn until they budge!
Try going to Quebec where right hands on reds are illegal!!!!
I did it, and got pulled over last year in a rental. Showed him my Alberta license and he was about to give me a ticket, then I spoke in french and said I was from a french community in Manitoba (I am, but am not french) and he let me go. Every damn time at a red light I would forget and get infuriated because no one was moving.
The no right on a red only applies of the island of Montreal. Dickknuckles here in Gatineau do it all. The fucking. Time. With no turn signals, because apparently only losers use those in La Belle Province.
Can anyone explain to me why there’s still such a thing as a left-turn light that goes red instead of just blinking yellow when the straight-ahead lane turns green?
According to road design standards it is when the speed limit is faster than the visual recognition distance.
I can understand the importance in certain situations (wide highways, poor visibility, etc) but a whole lot of them need to be updated and switched over. It’s infuriating sitting at a red turn arrow for several minutes when there’s little or no cross traffic.
We need to keep rich people from paying taxes.
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These people, literally, cause traffic jams. I mean, yeah, there are simple congestion issues but, when traffic is not moving, you need to be right up on the next vehicle for the good of everyone.
I take the freeway home and it does the merging thing where traffic hits a near-stop and then proceeds back up to 50mph or so (depending on how much dickholery is going on) and there is always inevitably SOME WOMAN who just rolls down the center line going 20mph. I suspect her reasoning is something like, “Why drive 50mph when I’m just going to have to slow to 20mph in another 10 miles when I reach the next merger?” which is absolutely stupid because all she does is create an artificially slow speed and congestion behind her. And I bet she leaves work everyday and thinks, “I bet there’s going to be a traffic jam” which is only a self-fulfilling prophesy because she’s on the GD road.
Seriously, traffic engineering can do nothing to overcome drivers who are straight up fucking cowards.
I would like to add jackasses with “truck nuts”. On what fucking planet is this whimsical?
“Hey Pa, come check out these here bawls on me Dodge. This way you know it be a man truck yes sir.”
In Maryland, there was a politician who was in the car with his daughter. They were behind one of these mutants and she asked what those truck nuts were. So the politician, who has obviously solved every other fucking problem in my state, introduced a bill to ban truck nuts.
I wanted to hang his nuts from a truck.
What if there’s a live sex show in a broken down truck?
That is a generalization on Fozz’s part; it happens more than people think.
What 10+ years of 80 mins. commute each way looks like:
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For a second, it started spinning on me. God – that would be frightening.
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Considering the targets he usually chooses to piss on, I’ve concluded that Calvin listens to a lot of conservative talk radio.
Just reading the comic strip I never realized he hated various car manufacturers that much either.
Doesn’t seem to care for that Jeff Gordon fella either.