Wet Hot Napa Summer: First Day of Camp

INT. JACK DEL RIO’S OFFICE – DAY

JACK DEL RIO: [sitting behind his desk] …you know that it’s nothing personal.

KEN NORTON, JR.: [seated in a chair flanking the desk] Yeah, I know.  Maybe it won’t be so bad.  All of his old teammates are already gone.

DEL RIO: It’s an embarrassment of riches, is what it is.

NORTON: I just hate this part, is all.

DEL RIO: You and me both, buddy. [to intercom] Okay, send him in.

— [door flies open] —

EMPTY PAINT CAN: …

NORTON:  That’s right, we did want to see you.  Come on in, kiddo.

DEL RIO: I hate to be doing this so early, but I’m also not going to waste your time.  You’ve been cut.

EMPTY PAINT CAN: [incredulously] …?

DEL RIO: Well the question was whether or not Mario Edwards Jr. was going to be healthy.  And he is.

EMPTY PAINT CAN: [bitterly] …

NORTON: That’s not true, the fact that he’s a fellow Junior has nothing to do with it.

EMPTY PAINT CAN: …

DEL RIO: Come on, don’t…

EMPTY PAINT CAN: …

NORTON: Now you’re just embarrassing yourself.

DEL RIO: Get it together man.

EMPTY PAINT CAN: [takes deep breath] …

DEL RIO: It’s fine, it’s fine.

EMPTY PAINT CAN: …

DEL RIO: Apology accepted.  We’ll chalk it up to your never-say-die attitude.

EMPTY PAINT CAN: …

NORTON:  Yeah, we’ll get your workout bonus squared away, you don’t have to worry about that.

EMPTY PAINT CAN: …?

DEL RIO: Of course! Anybody calls me up I’ll tell them you’re worth bringing in.

EMPTY PAINT CAN: …

NORTON: On your behalf? That’s your agent’s job.

DEL RIO: I don’t have time to call thirty teams. I’ve got shit to do. I tell you what – I will call THREE teams and put in a good word for you. Who ya got?

EMPTY PAINT CAN: …

DEL RIO: The Bears?  No problem.  I used to work for John Fox; I’ll give him a shout.  Who else?

EMPTY PAINT CAN: …

DEL RIO: [perplexed] The Astros? I didn’t realize you played baseball in college. Sure, I’ll give ’em a call if you want, I don’t know if I’ve got much clout with…

EMPTY PAINT CAN: …

DEL RIO: In the NFL? Since when?

EMPTY PAINT CAN: …

DEL RIO: All right, well, find me a number that’s not 555-something and I’ll give them a ring.  And for wish number three?

EMPTY PAINT CAN: …

DEL RIO: Are you sure?

EMPTY PAINT CAN: …

NORTON: It’s just that they’ve already got a bunch of new bodies in camp.  Going to be hard to get them to take a serious look at you.

EMPTY PAINT CAN: …

DEL RIO: Okay, okay, it’s your decision.  I’ll call…but I can’t promise anything.

Meanwhile…

HUE JACKSON: HELLOOOO CLEVELAND!