Your “Chiefs/Bears Fans Can Go **** Themselves-I Had Chores To Do!” Saturday Football Open Thread

I kid, I kid. I’m posting later than I should because of kids. No details are required for any reader that has one or more. They just screw up your timetable effortlessly. From the moment that they slip out of the vag/are purchased on the black market it’s just one thing after another. Enough of this. TO THE GAMES.

Eagles/Colts-Rb Wendell Smallwood gets his first chance to lug the ol’ faux pigskin tonight. All he’s got ahead of him on the depth chart are the likes of Ryan Mathews, 33 yr. old Darren Sproles and something called Kenjon Barner. You must think, if you think about it at all (doubtful) that the entire coaching staff, while saying all the right things, are pulling so hard for this kid.

As far as the Colts are concerned, only six corners are out of this game. Asked for comment about this year’s prospects owner Jim Irsay was quoted as saying, “I’m out of order? YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER! I’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!” (Network is a brilliant movie-if you haven’t seen it, please check it out) Last week Luck was able to move the ball quite easily and then got bogged down in the red zone. The guy works at his game so I’m sure he’ll figure that out.

Lions/Ravens-The Answer? T.J. Jones, Corey Fuller, Jeremy Kerley, Jay Lee, Ryan Spadola, Quinshad Davis and Jace Billingsley. The Question? After Marvin Jones and Golden Tate, who else does Chunky McButtersucker have to throw to now that Megatron has gone back to Cybertron? Lions management didn’t sleep at a Best Western last night but they did release last year’s 2nd-leading rusher and saved 2.5 million against the cap. The gamble they’re taking is that their running game might turn into a running Joique. (is that a bad pun or something “meta”?-I don’t know much about either)

The Ravens have what seems to be a logjam of “Eh, whatta gonna do?” at the rb spot. Forsett is coming off a 10 game, injury-friendly season and has just hit the dreaded 30 year mark. (cue Chrissie Hynde whispering “tick,tick,tick” in Time The Avenger) Damn-that is a great tune! Behind him are the not-trusted Kenneth Dixon, Terrance West and Buck Allen. I’m sure that Flacco would give his last day-old Miracle Whip sandwich (“Hey! Easy on the mayo-I want to taste the Wonder Bread!”) for a dynamic back.

Giants/Jets-In “Jokes That Never Get Old” News-Hey, which one is the home team? Nyuk,nyuk, nyuk. Wr Cruz has threatened to finally play this evening. This guy has had more false starts than Linford Christie at the ’96 Olympics. Want to throw your money away? Vegas is offering 15/1 on Boy Wonder Eli winning league MVP.

Jets qb Beardy McHarvard will play some tonight. So will Forte, Decker and Marshall. On paper this Jets O has the talent to do some damage. I hope they do it against the Pats before it all inevitably goes to shit somehow. Because, you know…Jets.

Titans/Raiders-It might just be me (it is) but I see the Titans backfield evolving the same way it did back in Chris Johnson’s rookie year. A talented back (Henry) eventually displaces the starter (a very old 28 year-old Murray that had a mind-boggling 449 touches back in ’14) the same way that CJ dismissed that fat fuck from USC (tries not to look it up…) LenDale White. I remembered! Huzzah for me-it doesn’t happen too often these days.

Carr, Crabappletree, Cooper and Walford look to be a potent quintet in the years to come. But what about the D? [looks at Khalil Mack highlights] Jesus Christ! He’s the Space Lord (mother, mother) that Monster Magnet prophesied.

Rams/Broncos-Denver has  immense talent on both sides of the field and at the very least is headed back to the AFC Championship Game. [wipes hands on pants] There. Done!

As far as the Rams and their qb situation is concerned (Keenum winning out over Goff so far) a fan on SB Nation had this to say-

The quarterback who couldn’t beat out Austin Davis or Shaun Hill in 2014 and was a backup to Nick Foles who led the NFL’s worst offense for most of last year is now clearly beating out the rookie #1 overall pick the Rams mortgaged most of their future to select. Ouch!

There you have it. Now go to it.