Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 54)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: Doktor Zymm’s semi-secret laboratory in the DFO clubhouse. Doktor Zymm is wearing surgical magnifying glasses and working on the android body of Man in Plaid #2. She has a panel in his chest open, and is working carefully with a pair of delicate forceps, moving wires and making “Hmm” noises. Man in Plaid #2’s head sits on a workbench nearby, next to an open box of SPONCH!. Future Moose is also lying on a slab, with some wires from his neck running to a fancy-looking science fiction helmet thingy.

Doktor Zymm (peering intently into the Man in Plaid #2’s motionless body): Hmm…

The door opens a crack. Ballsofsteelandfury peeks in.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Hey, Doc!

Doktor Zymm (continuing to peer into the body): What is it, Balls?

Ballsofsteelandfury (coming into the lab): So, I was just wondering…

Doktor Zymm (looking up with a sigh): As I already told you, I vas just joking. Zere vill be no teeny-tiny zubmarine.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Aw, I know. It’s too bad, though. Marc was really looking forward to hotboxing a sub.

Doktor Zymm: No one ever knows ven I am joking. I can be funny, you know.

Ballsofsteelandfury (reassuringly): Sure you can, Doc. You bet.

Doktor Zymm: Remember ze time I genetically-engineered zat THC-free marijuana strain?

Flashback to: Ballsofsteelandfury and Brocky entering the DFO clubhouse. Marc Trestmans Windowless Van is on the couch, intently watching BBC America on the television.

Brocky: Hey, Marc! How come you’re not watching the game?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Game? Who can watch a game at a time like this? Have you guys seen this?

Ballsofsteelandfury: What?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: The Middle East! There’s a war going on over there! Did you guys know about this?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Well, not first hand, but…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: It’s terrible! And when did carbon start warming up our atmosphere?

Brocky: Probably around 1850…

Ballsofsteelandfury: Hey, relax, Marc!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Relax? With India and Pakistan just ready to start World War III? HOW CAN I RELAX???

Cut to: The present day again.

Ballsofsteelandfury: That probably wasn’t the best April Fool’s joke, Doc. It took almost a full week for me and Brocky to retox Marc.

Doktor Zymm (sniffily): Vell…

Ballsofsteelandfury: But, hey! That’s not why I came in. I was just wondering…Sill said you guys could go into Moose’s brain…kind of.

Doktor Zymm: Ja, mit der Neurally-Operated Direct User Helmet.

Ballsofsteelandfury (picking up the fancy-looking helmet wired to Moose): This thing? Can I use it?

Doktor Zymm: Ja, I zuppose zo. Just sit down first zo you don’t…

There’s the sound of a body hitting the floor. Doktor Zymm looks over to see Ballsofsteelandfury, the NODUH on his head, lying motionless. Sighing, she walks over and puts a pillow under his head, then gets the last SPONCH! cookie out of the box.

Doktor Zymm (taking a bite out of the cookie): I know ze truth. He just vants to zee Debbie Harry’s boobies.

Man in Plaid #2’s Head (opening his eyes): COOKIETHULHU! Wait…where am I?

Doktor Zymm (sighing): Vell, zis ist a bit…inconvenient.

Cut to: Future Moose’s ostentatious, if virtual, bedchamber. Future Clone Debbie Harry and Future Clone Lynda Carter are on the yuuuge bed, still hitting each other with pillows and tee-heeing. It was probably kind of cute at one point, but this has been Moose’s sole diversion for a number of days, and as a result he’s lying on the floor holding a pillow over his head.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (swinging a pillow): Tee-hee!

Future Moose (muffled from under the pillow): Ahhhh! Make it stop!

Future Clone Lynda Carter (swinging a pillow): Tee-hee!

Future Clone Debbie Harry (stopping mid-swing): Tee- Hey! I’m in!

Future Moose (looking out from under the pillow): Balls…? Is that you?

Future Clone Debbie Harry, now powered by Ballsofsteelandfury, hops off of the bed.

Debbie/Balls: Hey, buddy! What are you doing on the floor?

Future Moose (getting up): Trying to stay sane. Tell me you have good news.

Debbie/Balls: Totally! Doc’s hard at work dismantling some android guy to get you a new battery. You’ll be up & running in no time!

Future Moose: Another android…? How the heck did she end up with a… Balls!

Debbie/Balls, caught trying to look down her own top, looks up suddenly.

Debbie/Balls (acting innocent): What?

Future Moose: You were trying to check out my future-wife’s rack, man!

Debbie/Balls: No, I… Yeah, you got me. But come on! I mean…they’re right here!

Future Moose: Unbelievable. I’m trapped in this endless virtual nightmare and all you can think of are boobs.

Debbie/Balls (looking around): This place actually looks pretty nice to me. You’ve even got a …is that an aquarium?

Future Moose: Yeah. This is an exact virtual replica of my real bedchambers, back in my future palace.

Debbie/Balls (wandering around the massive room): Holy cow, man! Why did you ever leave?

Future Moose: Ah, you know. The little things become big things. Forgetting an anniversary leads to a big argument, and that leads to a minor armed skirmish. The next thing you know, Mars is vaporized and there’s this whole galactic fracas and… Seriously?

Debbie/Balls (looking up guiltily): Sorry, man! It’s just…they’re right there, y’know?

Future Moose (sitting down on the bed): Ah, forget it. Anyway, I just wanted to come back to hang out with you guys. Live a simpler life for awhile, you know?

Debbie/Balls: I’ve been meaning to ask you about that…if you’re back here with us, doesn’t that maybe change your future?

Future Moose: Nah, it doesn’t work that way. My future is set, since it’s already happened…for me, at least. Zymm explained the whole thing to me one time. There was a lot of talk about temporal paradoxes, and historical divergence and stuff. The gist of it was, changing something in the past wouldn’t affect your own future, it would just spawn a whole new timeline. I’m pretty sure that’s how it works. I kind of zoned out for a few hours while she was talking.

Debbie/Balls (shooting finger guns): Happens to the best of us, Moose!

Future Moose: By the way, who’s this android Zymm is dismantling? Anyone I know?

Debbie/Balls (shrugging): Some weirdo do-gooder. Cookiethulhu called him a Man in Plaid…

Future Moose (looking alarmed): Wait…what?

Debbie/Balls: A Man in Plaid. Uptight, dresses like Fred MacMurray…

Future Moose: I know who they are. This isn’t good, Balls. These guys are seriously… Balls!

Debbie/Balls (looking down the nightie top): Whoa! Screw Mars, dude. These are worth a galactic war!

To be continued…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.

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Brocky

It took almost a full week for me and Brocky to retox Marc.

And now I have a new favorite made up verb.

Also, at the risk of sounding like a chauvinistic douchebag, isn’t it a “poorly kept secret” that the average woman has at one point or another admired their own breasts?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A couple of women I’ve dated were pretty much like a large penis’d dude feels about his large peni. And I was OK with that….. no I mean REALLY OK with that…. because you’ve got to compromise sometimes to make things work.

http://www.gifbin.com/bin/25077895.gif

entropy

I’m a little sad you blew up Mars in the future, but now that I know it’s not a future we’ll end up in, I’m a bit more OK with it.

Brocky

Hey, if Mars didn’t want to get blown up, it shouldn’t be dressed like that. All red and dusty, it was just asking for it!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, that was an exaggeration on my part….. the satellites had to remap large portion of the planet’s surface though.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Don T

Now all I can think of is Debbie Harry finger gunning herself. Awesome day so far!

ballsofsteelandfury

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Don T
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
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