Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 54)

The scene: Doktor Zymm’s semi-secret laboratory in the DFO clubhouse. Doktor Zymm is wearing surgical magnifying glasses and working on the android body of Man in Plaid #2. She has a panel in his chest open, and is working carefully with a pair of delicate forceps, moving wires and making “Hmm” noises. Man in Plaid #2’s head sits on a workbench nearby, next to an open box of SPONCH!. Future Moose is also lying on a slab, with some wires from his neck running to a fancy-looking science fiction helmet thingy.

Doktor Zymm (peering intently into the Man in Plaid #2’s motionless body): Hmm…

The door opens a crack. Ballsofsteelandfury peeks in.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Hey, Doc!

Doktor Zymm (continuing to peer into the body): What is it, Balls?

Ballsofsteelandfury (coming into the lab): So, I was just wondering…

Doktor Zymm (looking up with a sigh): As I already told you, I vas just joking. Zere vill be no teeny-tiny zubmarine.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Aw, I know. It’s too bad, though. Marc was really looking forward to hotboxing a sub.

Doktor Zymm: No one ever knows ven I am joking. I can be funny, you know.

Ballsofsteelandfury (reassuringly): Sure you can, Doc. You bet.

Doktor Zymm: Remember ze time I genetically-engineered zat THC-free marijuana strain?

Flashback to: Ballsofsteelandfury and Brocky entering the DFO clubhouse. Marc Trestmans Windowless Van is on the couch, intently watching BBC America on the television.

Brocky: Hey, Marc! How come you’re not watching the game?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Game? Who can watch a game at a time like this? Have you guys seen this?

Ballsofsteelandfury: What?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: The Middle East! There’s a war going on over there! Did you guys know about this?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Well, not first hand, but…

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: It’s terrible! And when did carbon start warming up our atmosphere?

Brocky: Probably around 1850…

Ballsofsteelandfury: Hey, relax, Marc!

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Relax? With India and Pakistan just ready to start World War III? HOW CAN I RELAX???

Cut to: The present day again.

Ballsofsteelandfury: That probably wasn’t the best April Fool’s joke, Doc. It took almost a full week for me and Brocky to retox Marc.

Doktor Zymm (sniffily): Vell…

Ballsofsteelandfury: But, hey! That’s not why I came in. I was just wondering…Sill said you guys could go into Moose’s brain…kind of.

Doktor Zymm: Ja, mit der Neurally-Operated Direct User Helmet.

Ballsofsteelandfury (picking up the fancy-looking helmet wired to Moose): This thing? Can I use it?

Doktor Zymm: Ja, I zuppose zo. Just sit down first zo you don’t…

There’s the sound of a body hitting the floor. Doktor Zymm looks over to see Ballsofsteelandfury, the NODUH on his head, lying motionless. Sighing, she walks over and puts a pillow under his head, then gets the last SPONCH! cookie out of the box.

Doktor Zymm (taking a bite out of the cookie): I know ze truth. He just vants to zee Debbie Harry’s boobies.

Man in Plaid #2’s Head (opening his eyes): COOKIETHULHU! Wait…where am I?

Doktor Zymm (sighing): Vell, zis ist a bit…inconvenient.

Cut to: Future Moose’s ostentatious, if virtual, bedchamber. Future Clone Debbie Harry and Future Clone Lynda Carter are on the yuuuge bed, still hitting each other with pillows and tee-heeing. It was probably kind of cute at one point, but this has been Moose’s sole diversion for a number of days, and as a result he’s lying on the floor holding a pillow over his head.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (swinging a pillow): Tee-hee!

Future Moose (muffled from under the pillow): Ahhhh! Make it stop!

Future Clone Lynda Carter (swinging a pillow): Tee-hee!

Future Clone Debbie Harry (stopping mid-swing): Tee- Hey! I’m in!

Future Moose (looking out from under the pillow): Balls…? Is that you?

Future Clone Debbie Harry, now powered by Ballsofsteelandfury, hops off of the bed.

Debbie/Balls: Hey, buddy! What are you doing on the floor?

Future Moose (getting up): Trying to stay sane. Tell me you have good news.

Debbie/Balls: Totally! Doc’s hard at work dismantling some android guy to get you a new battery. You’ll be up & running in no time!

Future Moose: Another android…? How the heck did she end up with a… Balls!

Debbie/Balls, caught trying to look down her own top, looks up suddenly.

Debbie/Balls (acting innocent): What?

Future Moose: You were trying to check out my future-wife’s rack, man!

Debbie/Balls: No, I… Yeah, you got me. But come on! I mean…they’re right here!

Future Moose: Unbelievable. I’m trapped in this endless virtual nightmare and all you can think of are boobs.

Debbie/Balls (looking around): This place actually looks pretty nice to me. You’ve even got a …is that an aquarium?

Future Moose: Yeah. This is an exact virtual replica of my real bedchambers, back in my future palace.

Debbie/Balls (wandering around the massive room): Holy cow, man! Why did you ever leave?

Future Moose: Ah, you know. The little things become big things. Forgetting an anniversary leads to a big argument, and that leads to a minor armed skirmish. The next thing you know, Mars is vaporized and there’s this whole galactic fracas and… Seriously?

Debbie/Balls (looking up guiltily): Sorry, man! It’s just…they’re right there, y’know?

Future Moose (sitting down on the bed): Ah, forget it. Anyway, I just wanted to come back to hang out with you guys. Live a simpler life for awhile, you know?

Debbie/Balls: I’ve been meaning to ask you about that…if you’re back here with us, doesn’t that maybe change your future?

Future Moose: Nah, it doesn’t work that way. My future is set, since it’s already happened…for me, at least. Zymm explained the whole thing to me one time. There was a lot of talk about temporal paradoxes, and historical divergence and stuff. The gist of it was, changing something in the past wouldn’t affect your own future, it would just spawn a whole new timeline. I’m pretty sure that’s how it works. I kind of zoned out for a few hours while she was talking.

Debbie/Balls (shooting finger guns): Happens to the best of us, Moose!

Future Moose: By the way, who’s this android Zymm is dismantling? Anyone I know?

Debbie/Balls (shrugging): Some weirdo do-gooder. Cookiethulhu called him a Man in Plaid…

Future Moose (looking alarmed): Wait…what?

Debbie/Balls: A Man in Plaid. Uptight, dresses like Fred MacMurray…

Future Moose: I know who they are. This isn’t good, Balls. These guys are seriously… Balls!

Debbie/Balls (looking down the nightie top): Whoa! Screw Mars, dude. These are worth a galactic war!

To be continued…