Holy fuck, that was an intense Christmas Eve afternoon, eh? Makes me kinda wish cigarettes did anything for me, so I could have one and come down a little bit.
A big Hippo Thanks! to Sam Bradford and Adam Thielen for patiently waiting their turns on my fantasy playoffs (locked) bench, and delivering in the clutch. You will forever be garbage time heroes in my pill-addled mind.
In real life, the Packers looked like steamrollers again, and will visit Jim Caldwell’s Fuck Lions of Destiny next weekend (likely flexed to the night game) for the NFC North crown. Aaron Rodgers is really fucking good.
Also really fucking good? David Johnson, as he proved in a bananas fucking late fixture, scoring thrice then setting up the game winning FG with a ridiculous route and catch. I must admit, when Hauschka sha’nkhored the extra point at 31-31 with 1:00 left, I surely envisioned another, weirder version of the early season 6-6 tie in the desert. But Johnson and Canyonero were having none of it.
Cancel the parade, shop stewards of The Factory. Josh Lambo is no Canyonero in the scramble 45-yard FG drill, and the Femur Drums can begin to beat at a fevered intensity. There Will Be Blood.
Buffalo racked up approximately 8,000 yards against the LOLfins, but your favourite aquamarine fraudsters survived in OT, because of course they did. Forcing OT with a scramble drill FIFTY-five yarder is damned impressive. Maybe Ryan’s charges should have tried to block the low knuckler instead of being cheeky with the time out timing.
Todd Bowles climbed out of his hospital bed to “coach” his “team” against the P*ts, in a game that featured a late Gangrene FG to cut the deficit to 3-41. It was like watching a crazed hobo murder a kitten with a puppy. RedZone kept-a showin’ it, though.
Speaking of the P*ts…shit got wrapped up for them real nice with the deaths of Marcus Mariota and Derek Carr. Adding insult to injury, the Titans also lost the game, and their playoff chances, to the lowly Jags. Their 4th quarter featured a CasselVANIA pick six. Expect to see more of that against YOOUUUUUSTON next weekend.
Oakland at least managed to finish out an 8-point win over the Humps, but they are going nowhere with Matt McGloin at QB.
The moral of the story being…as much as Miami seemed like they weren’t super eager to go into the playoffs with Matt Moore…one can do a metric fuckton worse than Matt Moore as your backup QB.
Everybody on the NFLN morning show seemed super high on Rapey Jameis and the Bucs, so I guess it’s not that surprising they laid a turd in the Superdome. With that loss, the Falcons (winners over a “mailed it in after the win in DC” Panthers side) clinched the NFC South.
Those wacky Redacteds also benefit from the Tampa loss, along with their own easy road win over Da Bearistocrats. They don’t exactly control their own destiny, but I would put as significantly more probable than not that 9-6-1 would suffice.
Not that one should ignore the Great Battle FOAR California today, a rivalry that resembled a Dodgers/Gigantes game, except that nobody in the stadium gave a tin shit except Fatass Chip and his teacher’s pets on the sideline getting unsportsmanlike penalties late. Yes, Ram It!! did indeed blow a 21-7 lead with 6 and change to play, with SF making a 2 pointer with 0:27 left then intercepting a sad Goff duck to salt it away. Yes, that makes a series sweep, and that should REALLY embarrass any so-called professional organization to be on the receiving end of THAT from Chip Kelly, NFL varietal. The real beauty in RedZone Channel is getting to see weird-ass shit like that.
Cincinnati hung around for awhile, but eventually (with some Fat Kicker failure help) their offense shone through as demonstrably more putrid than Tom Savage’s unit. Hee hee. Tom Savage’s unit. The AFC South is thusly decided.
http://68.media.tumblr.com/d9a2083aad714d9428cc98d2357ca49b/tumblr_ohe9m7gsPQ1qfr6udo1_500.gif
I went to the Skins/Bears game yesterday. Where the fuck is my Purple Heart???
I don’t think they give one for self-inflicted trauma.
You can shoot off your toe to get sent home but they’re not pinning medals on you for it.
Isn’t it fun when your FF team shits the bed in the Championship? It would have been nice to win the Insanity League back to back…
As it is, a 2ND place finish after winning last year is not too shabby in a league where i can’t understand the rules.
I had the worst fucking dream last night…
Hey, me too!
¿Was it a Moose gif come to life? ¡I bet it was a Moose gif come to life!
Honest to god, when I saw those hits my first thoughts after both were of sympathy for you and Don T. I think I may be spending too much time here.
A Christmas Morning Greeting From
The Editorblaxxabbath-CB Brandon Williams, like Santa, is invisible for the entire year other than MAYBE getting a peek at his red outfit on 12/24. However, I don’t know that my stocking could have been stuffed with anymore care as the Fox Broadcast unwrapped:
– Tyler Lockett embarrasses Brandon Williams for a catch falling into the front of the end zone to get SEA on the board and cut the Cardinals 2Q lead to 14-6.
– Lockett stays down and is checked by trainers. During the review, we see that (1) Lockett’s leg is in temporary need of an air cast but long term need of a bottle of Skele-Gro; and (2) shards of Lockett’s knee touched the ground before he crossed the goal line. NOT Touchdown Seahawks (2016, you continue to assault this world’s paradigm) and ball is placed on the half yard line.
– SEA fails to convert 1st and Goal – I think this was a handoff.
– SEA fails to convert 2nd and Goal – I think this was NanoMan trying to dive over the pile a la Cam. It did not work because he’s so small and he looked like a little boy standing on the periphery of the gift pile trying to hold up the angel (or, more likely, a non-denominational tree topper) and hop high enough to place it on the top of the tree. The announcers would have loved to add that successful play to their, “He’s not as big as some guys but that doesn’t stop him!” narrative. But it did. His size was the reason (also his offensive line in unable to push defensive lines backwards).
– SEA fails to convert 3rd and Goal – Wilson is pressured back to the 15 or 20 before lobbing a lame Christmas goose incomplete. I don’t know how the pocket works when you’re that far from the LOS, but he never got out from in-between the tackles. No intentional grounding.
– SEA goes for it on 4th and Goal, still from the bloody spot marking Lockett’s last stand. I don’t know what the playcall was (probably some kind of bootleg) because Markus Golden was in the backfield so fast planting Wilson into the ground that even Carson Wentz wouldn’t have had time to make his one read with that pressure. AND OUT COME THE BOO BIRDS! (The 12th Man’s booing is the sweetest sound in the world.)
ARI, of course, fumbled away the next possession near the Red Zone and SEA looked poised to strike. After going 0fer And-Goal on three plays, MoonMan finally sends out the FG team and SEA settles for the three points. 7 consecutive plays inside the five with no point though. I WONDER if Richard Sherman has any thoughts on this?
SEA will assure us they don’t need him so can Marshawn sign up with the Raiders for their playoff run?
SEA now sits as the 4-Seed and with 10 wins (they can’t lose to SF next week) they’ll be the goat of the 2017 edition of, “Why does a division record with a worse record than a Wild Card hosting a playoff game?” And, as much as Vegas wants to give Tiny Russell the old Macklemore Handy, this SEA team is now only 0.5 game (or whatever the hell having a tie instead of a loss) better than the AFC South leading Houston Texans. 3 points in 2016 against ARI is the difference between SEA getting a 2-Seed and their notorious home field advantage (anchored by the best fans in football who bring their BernieBro values of calling any woman ‘Waitress’) versus, now, a more challenging path.
Bottom line, all, I agree wholeheartedly with the sentiments of Mr. Hippo’s annual Christmas Card below. See you, King, and the rest of you guys next week.
http://www.p2016.org/photos14/xkasich14.jpg
Do you think the gov is showing off his fingers in that photo to piss off Trumpy?
Who wants to bang his daughters?
Gronk.
Too old for Trump
The dark haired one is what I imagine Jen Kirkman looked like before depression and life on the road took their toll.