Part Un/Uno/Ein/One/Um of the totally biased Champions League Preview!

Hi there internet friends! Hope the withdrawal from the gridiron is going well, I think you should just drink through it folks. I am here to give you a 100% biased run down of the first 8 teams in the 16 remaining in the Champions League. We have gotten rid of the chaff and are left with this years creme de la creme. I do love European football. All of it! I travel to the EUROS, to the Champions League, and I really love watching the Europa League (Fulham fan) as you get to see the obscure teams from smaller countries compete against the middling clubs from big futbol nations. We are not here for that however, we are here for the first group of 8 in the Champions League!

Matchup 1: FC BARCELONA @ PARIS SAINT GERMAIN

Hell yeah let’s kick this bitch off with a good one!

BIAS 1! I definitely support Barcelona in the Champions League, and in Spain. When I lived in Scotland you could get a flight, match ticket and hostel for 100 pounds. I was at this game by just pure luck.  Was sitting so high up in the nosebleeds that I was unaware what was thrown on the pitch until I got back to the hostel and saw the highlights.

Messi is a tax cheat but the greatest player on the planet, this is a fact. He can’t play worth shit for his country but in Europe he is a beast. Suarez and Neymar up front  as well makes them truly lethal at any point in a match. That being said they always find a way to screw it up somehow as their back 4 is susceptible to being crappy.

This match would have been way better if Zlatan still played for PSG but alas he is a vagabond and has taken his talents to United as a superstar does. PSG still has Cavani whose finishes can be world class but simply he isn’t as good as Ibrahimovic. He is however the best Uruguayan that doesn’t repeatedly bite people. They have a smattering of French internationals who always play better for club than country but alas it will not be enough.

Barca will win, PSG is a worthy opponent but without the futbol stylings of Ibra the Catalans will progress.

Matchup 2: Borussia Dortmund v Benfica

I like both of these teams and am pleased that one will progress through to the next round. Borussia Dortmund has one of the best tifos in the history of football as seen here. (This is awesome)

Benfica has a fairly international squad compared to other teams in the Portuguese League which is probably because they have more money that teams not named Porto and Sporting Lisbon. Notable names are old man Julio Cesar who is 39 and just making some money before retiring back in Brazil. Well lookey here, Greek international Mitroglou who once played for mighty Fulham and did a whole sweet boat load of nothing for the Cottagers. Screw that guy!

Even though it seems like Borussia Dortmund has a revolving door of selling talent to their rivals they still have some notable names left on the squad like Mario Gotze, Marco Reus, as well as some American flavour in Christian Pulisic so they have that going for them.

In looking at the squads Dortmund is far superior and should move on. That being said I do have a soft spot for Benfica as I saw my first ever live match there when they played the Peter Schmeichel led Sporting Lisbon in 2000. Great match, pouring rain, getting my hash found by a security guard and him not caring, I was hooked on this sport immediately!

Matchup 3:  Arsenal v Bayern Munich

This could, I say, could be a good match up however if the Krauts run rampant on the Gunners the writing on the wall is there for Arsene Wenger. It feels as though his time in Northeast London is coming to a close as the same results happen year after year which is just not enough to justify the highest priced tickets in the prem.

Sweet Jesus Bayern is a goddamn united nations of superstars, with the token guy born in another country but who is a German international. It is a who’s who of a squad with Robben (big baby), Lewandowski (Polish assassin), Franck (loves underage hookers) Ribery and ole’ dickhead Xabi Alonso. They are getting on in years but are strong from front to back and Manuel Neuer is arguably the best keeper in the world!

I attended a Champions League game at the Allianz Arena during Oktoberfest and even though it was vs Club Brugge it was absolutely insane. Most supporters spent the day at the Oktoberfest tents are were wasted by kickoff at 845 pm! We sat with the ultras and they gave us German songsheets and bought us beer and we had a great time.

Arsenal, perennially 3rd or 4th in the prem, they had their chance last year when Foxy Footy looked shaky at the top but they pissed that a way as they usually do. They always have so much promise but somehow find a way to fall on each others dicks and get kicked out of the Champions League in the quarterfinals and end up 3rd in the prem so they are back in the Champions league again.

I want to tell you that this is the year that they break through with Mesut Ozil and Olivier Giroud leading the way but alas the supporting cast shows flashes of brilliance one day and are maddeningly frustrating the next. They are going to lose and Bayern will move on.

Matchup 4: Real Madrid v Napoli

I want Napoli to win 100- 0. Is it due to their garbage issues a few years back? Not really. Their local pizza style being the best in the world? Love it but that is not the reason. Hmmmmm what could it be?

Fuck Real Madrid. There is the reason.

If you want diving well you have come to the right place! I hate them with every ounce of my soul.  Marcelo, Pepe and Ronaldo are just the worst and THEY are the reason people dislike futbol due to their play acting on the pitch. I swear if you blew an eyelash off of Pepe’s face he feigns like he was shot. However he is not afraid to come in with studs flying and wondering why he got whistled for a foul. I just hate them so much.

I hope they lose 10-0. Sadly they will not, and pretty boy and his band of eurotrashy men will move on. 

Coming next week the next 8 teams involved in the group of 16!