The scene: The DFO clubhouse. It’s deserted, aside from Unsurprised, PK and Future Clone Debbie Harry, who are all inside.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Unacceptable! This is totally unacceptable! I come back here to take my revenge, and everyone is gone?

PK: Maybe they went out for some doughnuts. You know, I could really use…

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Quiet, lackey. I have to think. Where could they have gone…?

PK: Florida? It’s nice this time of year. Maybe they wanted to catch some spring training!

Unsurprised: Uh, look… Are we really supposed to be in here?

Future Clone Debbie Harry: I go where I want.

Unsurprised: What I mean is, nobody’s here, and it feels like we’re trespassing…

Future Clone Debbie Harry: You sound like a lawyer.

Unsurprised: Well…

Future Clone Debbie Harry: And I hate lawyers. The only thing I liked about them was their screams as I fed them into the Grind-O-Matic 3000.

Unsusrprised: Huh. Well, look at that! It’s getting late! I should really be going…

PK: Aw, stick around. It’s okay. I mean, I’m almost a member of the DFO!

Unsusrprised: Really, I just dropped by to say hi to a couple of old friends.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: You are friends with some of these cretins? Then by all means…stay.

Unsusprised: You know, in the right light, I have to say… You almost look like…

Future Clone Debbie Harry (preening): Yes?

Unsurprised: Gwen Stefani.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (narrowing her eyes dangerously): Tell me, lackey… Do they have Grind-O-Matics in this misbegotten century…?

Cut to: The Moosemobile, sitting deserted on the long and twisting road leading the the Castle of Death. A car approaches and stops, and Doktor Zymm and Future Moose (carrying Man in Plaid #2’s head) get out.

Future Moose: Well, here’s the car. Looks there was a scuffle here, too.

Doktor Zymm: Ja. Zis ist nicht so gut.

Man in Plaid #2’s Head: That must be the castle, up there on top of the hill.

Doktor Zymm: Ja, just where ze bartender at zat unnamed bar told us it would be.

Future Moose: Nice guy. And he mixed one hell of a Mojito.

Man in Plaid #2’s Head: Shall we make our way to the castle?

Doktor Zymm: Nein. First I vant to know just vat ve are doing here. You dragged me all zis vay, but have not told me vat is going on.

Future Moose: Well…basically, there’s kind of this big thing that happens in this area around this time.

Doktor Zymm: Vat kind of…”thing?”

Man in Plaid #2’s Head: A bad thing.

Doktor Zymm: How bad?

Future Moose: Very bad.

Doktor Zymm (rolling her eyes): On a scale of one to a zixth championship for ze Patriots…

Future Moose: It’s a sixth title for the Pats after an undefeated season and Donald Trump wins a second term bad.

Doktor Zymm: Ach!

Man in Plaid #2’s Head: You see, someone in that castle opens a portal to another dimension. A dimension unlike your own. One far more frightening than anything you could ever imagine.

Future Moose: They came by the hundreds. The thousands. Legions of them. They were an almost unstoppable host of…

Doktor Zymm (interrupting): Zombies.

Future Moose: What? Ick. No, they weren’t zombies, they were…

Doktor Zymm (pointing): Nein, I mean over there. Zombies.

Future Moose: There are no such things as… Hmm. You mean that horde shambling with purpose toward us?

Doktor Zymm: Ja. Zose would be ze zombies I am zpeaking of.

Future Moose: Those aren’t zombies. Zombies don’t exist.

Man in Plaid #2’s Head: That is not entirely…

Future Moose: Zombies. Don’t. Exist.

Doktor Zymm (as the horde closes in on the trio): Maybe you could tell zem zat.

Cut to: The Castle of Death, where Lilith the (naked) vampire is storming down the stairs.

Lilith (complaining to herself): I swear, if it’s not one thing, it’s another. This ritual is almost more trouble than it’s worth.

Lilith is walking through the main room when she hears a chorus of distressed cries. She rushes towards the sound, but Otto’s Brain comes rolling through the room at full speed, gets tangled in her feet, and knocks her over.

Otto’s Brain: Aaahhhg! My eyes! Can’t unsee!

Lilith, getting up and picking up Otto’s Brain.

Lilith: You know, I am getting very weary of your pesky little group.

Otto’s Brain: It was like a Ron Jeremy porn scene…but hairier! So much hairier!

Lilith (shaking Otto’s Brain): What are you talking about, you stupid little globe?

JJ Fozz (entering the room): OK, lady, put Otto down and no one gets hurt.

Lilith (idly tossing Otto’s Brain from hand to hand): I take it you’re this “Fozz” that I’m going to disembowel?

JJ Fozz (raising his spray can of holy water): You don’t scare me. I’m Italian, sister! I’ve got enough garlic in me to kill a hundred vampires!

Snarling, Lilith hurls Otto’s Brain at Fozz, knocking the spray can out of his hands. She charges forward with supernatural speed and grabs Fozz, picking him up easily with one hand.

Lilith: And where is all of your big talk, now?

Suddenly, Señor Weaselo and La Araña Discoteca enter the room and pose dramatically.

Señor Weaselo: Halt, evil nightspawn! If you wish to harm that man, you must first go through Señor Weaselo and La Araña Disco-

Lilith wordlessly throws Fozz bodily into the pair of luchadores and all three fall into a heap onto the floor.

Lilith (sighing): Instead of locking you idiotas up again, maybe I’ll just eat you now.

Covalent Blonde (entering the room with Low Commander and Marc Trestmans Windowless Van): You’re not eating anybody, fang-face.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (taking off his shirt): Yeah, man. Besides, that’s probably, like, totally unhygienic.

Low Commander: Marc, what are you doing?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Like, just pointing out that drinking blood is, like, a good way to spread infectious diseases, man.

Covalent Blonde: No, Marc. The shirt.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (sitting on the floor to take off his shoes): Everyone’s all, like, naked around here, man. I figured if I got naked, too I could, like, blend in. You know, get the element of surprise, man.

Covalent Blonde (advancing on Lilith): You do that, Marc. Meanwhile, I’m gonna put a beat-down on Dracula’s daughter, here.

Covalent Blonde launches a roundhouse kick at Lilith but the vampire catches her leg, picks her up and spins around twice, and then launches her into Low Commander. They crash to the floor past Marc Trestmans Windowless Van, who is jumping up and down, trying to get his jeans off.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Aw, man! Like, I think my zipper’s stuck, man!

Lilith (grinning wickedly): You, my friend, are going to get me so high…

To be continued…