Latest posts by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (see all)
- Your “The Sun Rises on the Factory” Saturday Morning Open Thread – February 16, 2019
- Request Line: Duets – February 15, 2019
- Request Line: Coffee is for Closers – February 8, 2019
EXT. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS PRACTICE FACILITY – DAY
The camera follows a flashy yellow sportscar with purple trim as it drives through a set of security gates, then through a most empty parking lot before it stops in front of an entrance to a lush set of practice facilities, where a lone figure is pacing back and forth impatiently. The driver opens the door and emerges from the vehicle.
LEONARD FOURNETTE: Shhhhiiiiiiittttt. You’re already here? I thought I was gonna be the first one to show up.
DAWUANE SMOOT: Early worm gets the bird, dawg. My uncle Fred* taught me that. You know ’bout the worm?
SMOOT: You see, first you rent a big-ass boat. Then, you…
A black SUV with an UBER logo in the windshield pulls up.
— [passenger door flies open] —
DANTE FOWLER, JR: What’s up, rookies?
FOURNETTE: Oh shit, man, what happened?
FOWLER: What, this? [points at his leg, which is wrapped in a cast and a brace] Oh, it’s cool. Just playin’ it safe.
SMOOT: Wait, what…
A flatbed golf cart arrives and a figure rolls off the back, landing spryly on his feet.
TELVIN SMITH: Who’s ready for some Oh-Tee-A’s?
FOWLER: Oh, shit, nice, man. That should work real good.
SMITH: [glances at Fowler’s getup] Your knee’s okay?
FOWLER: Feels great, man. I just figured I’d play it safe and give myself an excuse to sit out.
SMOOT: What the fuck is going on?
The two veterans look at the rookie.
FOWLER: You don’t know about the training camp curse?
SMITH: You see…
The driver of the flatbed golf car, unnoticed until now, leaps onto the ground.
Yes, it’s surprising that nobody noticed him until now. The figure pulls off his helmet, exposing a set of long, flowing, golden locks.
PAUL POSLUSZNY: There’s no fucking curse. That’s a bunch of made-up bullshit.
FOWLER: Oh, really. Then why the hell are you wearing that ridiculous armor?
PAUL POSLUSZNY: I’ve got an Expanded Universe event after practice.
SMITH: Oh, really? Okay, then, sure. You don’t think there’s a curse, I dare you to take that armor off.
PAUL POSLUSZNY: [demurs] I…
SMITH: Yeah, that’s what I thought. [turns to rookies] You see…
FOWLER: LOOK OUT!
The unattended golf cart, somehow operating of its own volition, plows into the pair of rookies.
SMOOT: OH GOD! OH GOD!
FOURNETTE: MY LEG!
FOWLER: SOMEBODY CALL A DOCTOR!
Today’s theme: Medical Attention. We’re talking hospitals, doctors, nurses, procedures, pharmaceuticals (not fun drugs; we’ll do those separately over the summer). Have at it! I’ll get us started with a band that made its bones doing the soundtrack to classic football story Friday Night Lights.
*Courtesy of KDFO’s research department, it turns out that Dawuane Smoot is not actually related to Fred Smoot.