Request Line: Medical Attention

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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EXT. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS PRACTICE FACILITY – DAY

The camera follows a flashy yellow sportscar with purple trim as it drives through a set of security gates, then through a most empty parking lot before it stops in front of an entrance to a lush set of practice facilities, where a lone figure is pacing back and forth impatiently.  The driver opens the door and emerges from the vehicle.

LEONARD FOURNETTE: Shhhhiiiiiiittttt.  You’re already here?  I thought I was gonna be the first one to show up.

DAWUANE SMOOT: Early worm gets the bird, dawg.  My uncle Fred* taught me that.  You know ’bout the worm?

FOURNETTE: Naw.

SMOOT: You see, first you rent a big-ass boat.  Then, you…

A black SUV with an UBER logo in the windshield pulls up.

— [passenger door flies open] —

DANTE FOWLER, JR: What’s up, rookies?

FOURNETTE: Oh shit, man, what happened?

FOWLER: What, this? [points at his leg, which is wrapped in a cast and a brace]  Oh, it’s cool.  Just playin’ it safe.

SMOOT: Wait, what…

A flatbed golf cart arrives and a figure rolls off the back, landing spryly on his feet.

TELVIN SMITH: Who’s ready for some Oh-Tee-A’s?

FOWLER: Oh, shit, nice, man.  That should work real good.

SMITH: [glances at Fowler’s getup] Your knee’s okay?

FOWLER: Feels great, man.  I just figured I’d play it safe and give myself an excuse to sit out.

SMOOT: What the fuck is going on?

The two veterans look at the rookie.

FOWLER: You don’t know about the training camp curse?

FOURNETTE: Curse?

SMITH: You see…

The driver of the flatbed golf car, unnoticed until now, leaps onto the ground.

Yes, it’s surprising that nobody noticed him until now.  The figure pulls off his helmet, exposing a set of long, flowing, golden locks.

PAUL POSLUSZNY: There’s no fucking curse.  That’s a bunch of made-up bullshit.

FOWLER: Oh, really.  Then why the hell are you wearing that ridiculous armor?

PAUL POSLUSZNY: I’ve got an Expanded Universe event after practice.

SMITH: Oh, really?  Okay, then, sure.  You don’t think there’s a curse, I dare you to take that armor off.

PAUL POSLUSZNY: [demurs] I…

SMITH: Yeah, that’s what I thought.  [turns to rookies]  You see…

FOWLER: LOOK OUT!

The unattended golf cart, somehow operating of its own volition, plows into the pair of rookies.

SMOOT: OH GOD!  OH GOD!

FOURNETTE: MY LEG!

FOWLER: SOMEBODY CALL A DOCTOR!

Today’s theme: Medical Attention.  We’re talking hospitals, doctors, nurses, procedures, pharmaceuticals (not fun drugs; we’ll do those separately over the summer).  Have at it!  I’ll get us started with a band that made its bones doing the soundtrack to classic football story Friday Night Lights.

*Courtesy of KDFO’s research department, it turns out that Dawuane Smoot is not actually related to Fred Smoot.

 

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.

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laserguruMoose -The End Is Well NightheeWeeBabySeamusBrettFavresColonoscopySenor Weaselo Recent comment authors
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laserguru

laserguru

Double shot!

laserguru

laserguru

laserguru

Now we’re cooking with gas!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Senor Weaselo

Little voice in Senor’s head: You know it’s a slang for fel—
Senor: Shhhh. Nobody needs to know.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Felching?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Felonious assault?

theeWeeBabySeamus

theeWeeBabySeamus

Could have made this a double earlier, but I’m too lazy to scroll back now.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Do Spin Doctors count?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

DOUBLE SHOT

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

BrettFavresColonoscopy

theeWeeBabySeamus

theeWeeBabySeamus

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Semi-medical, but Jesus Christ this broke me as I listened to it.

https://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/589/tell-me-im-fat

theeWeeBabySeamus

theeWeeBabySeamus

I deserve to be shot for forgetting this one for this long….

theeWeeBabySeamus

/shows self out again

theeWeeBabySeamus

Sure, why not….

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ha, I was about to post it. COUNT IT!