This fucking masterpiece of writing:

The Secret

O Segredo

No, I’m not talking about Oprah’s bullshit book that millions of clueless housewives bought thinking they could fucking think their way to being thin and rich and beautiful.  Fuck that shit.

I’m talking about an article that Don T turned me on to through the DFO back channels.  It is written by Dani Alves, one of the stars of the Juventus soccer team taking on Real Madrid in the Champions’ League final this weekend.  Litre_cola will have your preview/open thread ready on Saturday morning and, as you read it, I want you to think of Dani’s story above.  I think you will enjoy the game more knowing what’s going through his head.

Luckily, I am fluent in Spanish (obvs), can read, write, speak, and comprehend spoken French, and can read and comprehend spoken Portuguese.  If you are at all able to, I recommend reading the Portuguese version. It just hits deeper.

Now, after all that, you may have… questions.

1- Where the fuck is Juazeiro, Brazil?

2- Wait, didn’t Balls previously say that Bahia was the place where Anthony Bourdain said people seemed like they were “either on their way to or coming back from having sex”?

3- What does sex have to do with soccer?

4- Is it rude to say that if you don’t understand the link between sex and soccer either you’re a virgin or you don’t understand soccer?

5- Is that the reason why the U.S. will never be good at soccer and is so uptight about sex?

6- That certainly explains how every World Cup since 1966 has been won by Germany, Spain, France, Italy, Brazil, and Argentina, doesn’t it?

7- Do you really want me to explain how sexy Germans can be?

8- Do you want DTZM to kill me and cut off my priviledges for linking to a scheisse video?

9- If you go back to the beginning of the World Cup, you can add Uruguay and England to the list, but England doesn’t make any sense, does it?

10- Is it more like Englishmen know the theory of how sex/soccer should work but just refuse to execute it?

11- That certainly explains the dismal performance of English teams in the Champions’ League, right?

12- Who the fuck ever thought Puritanism was a good thing?

13- How assholish is it to deny someone a good time?

14- As Dave Attell put it, whatever a man, a woman, a donkey, and a midget want to do to each other should be A-Ok, right?

15-  Have you ever banged a midget?

16- Is it true that male little people have regular size penises that make them look like they’re hung like horses?

17- It’s all about perspective, isn’t it?

18- Conversely, does banging a little woman seem like this?

19- Is it disturbing that the hot dog has chili and onions on it?

20- Certainly puts a different spin on a “Cincinnati Five Way”, doesn’t it?

21- How the hell could you possibly please everyone in a Five Way?

22- Assuming it’s one dude and four gals, I could see a way, but wouldn’t you need to be ambidextrous?

23- Why does JJFozz come up with all the best lines?

24- Are you as surprised as me there was a sequel?

25- I shouldn’t give tWBS any ideas, should I?