Your “The Offseason Is Over–OVER I TELLS YA!” Open Thread

Well, it’s been a long wait, and it was rough. Was.

For the naysayers: June ends tomorrow and training camps start in July. The science is unimpeachable.

No more speculations based on drills in shorts—it’s over! Oh man, you can almost smell the Toradol.

The wait gets worse every year, as all offseason stories are the same. Veteran defender X is in the best shape of his career (suuure); potential franchise player Y is ahead of his rehab schedule (wake me if he’s cut or traded); quarterback Z has been working on his throwing motion (wanking motion)… And much, much worse.

Fans subjected to yet another mid-May “NFL-Ready Rookies” piece

So farewell to inane, empty crap. From now on, it’s ON BABY! Just look at the sheer number of legit, substance-engorged NFL News jumping around the Internet:

Ugh. It’s still 71 days to kickoff. It shows.

• The Russell Wilson nine-meals-a-day diet is out. His “food coach and nutritionist” describes the trailblazing insight behind it: “When you think metabolism, everybody will think fast or slow. And it’s not. Metabolism is ultimately hot or cold”, I imagine spoken in the most solemn marketer-ese. It has two lunches and three snacks that feature a fruit and “12 almonds”. Some might find arbitrary that 12 is not adjusted for size and weight of each almond, but you have to remember: those 36 almonds are food coached.

• Marshawn Lynch: still awesome. He’ll give away 2,000 free tickets for kids to a water park. The piece ends with “[Lynch] may not love the media, but it’s clear he loves the kids”. Here’s yer headline: “Self-Important Drone Shits on Feel-Good Story with Unrelated Dig”. Makes me wish Beastmode makes only paid appearances for the rest of 2017. Lots of ‘em.

• Jamaal Charles feels “normal”. He was referring to running and cutting with his repaired knee.

• Per Deadspin, last night Jim Irsay’s account tweeted “an extremely graphic picture of a nude woman” (Irsay’s playing the “hacked” card). Notable take, from the IndyStar: “You are on your own to find Deadspin because this is a family news source and all that”. What to link; what to link?! A Deadspin NSFW post that qualifies “graphic” with “extremely”? Or the cowering snark of the IndyStar? How about… Something authentic, instead:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ayWWzp2WeFg

• Michael Vick and Terrell Owens played flan football. Here are the highlights, which I didn’t watch. Most of my spirit melted writing the first sentence.

• Media fucks to give about Brett Favre remain at “Yes”. According to reports, Favre has been entertaining an idea. The money quote: “That type of stuff has crossed my mind”. Main takeaway: Don T’s 2017 Favre quota, COVERED.

• ESPN reports that the U.S. Department of Justice raised the white flag in the challenge to the Redacteds’ trademark protection case, in light of last week’s Matal v. Tam decision by the U.S. Supreme Court. Well, there’s nothing more to add, except you read it here first. How ’bout some music?

• In other Internet hectoring: “Why you should root for the Cleveland Browns”. Oh yes, the guilt-tripping clickbait, the classy but lazy cousin to the “You’re Doing It Wrong” brand of Internet crap. Lemme live mah life goddammit! Jimmy Haslam’s still the owner. With apologies to Joe Thomas, whatever Cleveland.

• All 17 NFL referees from 2016 will return this season. Great; another year of development hell for my remake of “Abbott and Costello Meet the Mummy”, starring Ed Hochuli, Jeff Triplette, and Virginia McCaskey.
  • Sorry, that was way cheap. Poor Lou Costello doesn’t deserve Mr. Triplette.

• A rare Crimebeat!: double whammy: Bills 2016 fifth-round RB Jonathan Williams will not be punished by the NFL for a misdemeanor DUI arrest in Arkansas that same year. He had refused the “breathalyzer test on the advice his agent once gave him”, and was found not guilty a few weeks ago. I think now’s a good time as any to put up the Right Reverend Mayhem signal:

Well, some stuff did happen during this offseason. Off the top of my head, the Bills and Chiefs fired their GMs after the draft. (The Redacteds did one better, firing Scot McCloughan before the draft; this being a Snyder joint, it was long on skullduggery.) Celebration penalties were relaxed, overtime is now ten minutes, and now teams will carry 93-man rosters until the last preseason game. And my head may explode after seeing Adrian Peterson in a Saints uniform and the Pats having improved from last year. That’s a lot to chew over while the season starts—which is very, very soon.

All I know is GoT starts in a couple of weeks, tiding us over until the start of minicamps by the second episode. Then, we’ll get the sweet, fleeting nitrous high of the first five minutes of the Hall of Fame Game, and the rest is the easy preseason slide into Week One.

Jet fans sliding into Week One, 2017 (Artist’s conception)

So we’re almost there, is all. About fucking time.

On tonight’s docket, the CFL has the rematch between Ottawa and Calgary, who tied last week. Game’s at 8:00 PM Central; The Maestro has you covered, with strong taeks regarding ties in football. Personally, I’ll take a tie over a loss every time, and think that there’s an easy way to discourage ties: have overtime only for the playoffs. Let’s presume all coaches hate ties. No overtime would spur more aggressive playcalling, instead of stick-to-the-gameplan third quarter drives while down by 14 or more. I dunno; it seems the obvious solution to me.

(All other listings from ESPN)

Major League Dirt Loitering

Twins @ BoSox – 6:00 PM Central

Pecking twbs’ss @ Blue Jays – 6:07 Central (Carlos Delgado MUST be in the HoF; fuck the BBWAA—there, I said it)

Los Yankis @ ChiSox – 7:10 PM Central

Dodgers @ Angels – 9:07 PM Central

MLS

NY City FC – Minnesota United FC, 6:30 PM Central

WNBA

NY Liberty @ Washington Mystics – 6:00 PM Cnral

Seattle Storm @ Connecticut Sun – 7:00 PM Central

And finally, as noted by Marc Trestman’s Windowless Van: A RICK AND MORTY STREAMING MARATHON!!!

Here’s the info: http://heavy.com/entertainment/2017/06/rick-and-morty-live-stream-livestream-how-where-to-watch-event-marathon-online-adult-swim-link/

And that’s it! I. Am. Out.

Banner photo from aliexpress.com and calendar from tattoobites.com. All gifs from giphy.com. Tortured folks from @Princesa_Drago, and the rest of the images are from Twitter (don’t remember where).