Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 85)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

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The scene: The Pacific Ocean, where BFC and Jerry are clinging to a floating bale of weed and paddling towards a distant island.

Jerry: I mean… You said you wanted to get some swimming in on this trip.

BFC (glaring): Remember that time in Naples?

Jerry: Yeah…?

BFC: When you slept with that gymnast?

Jerry: Yeah!

BFC: And then she turned out to be married to that guy on the Olympic wrestling team?

Jerry: Yeah…

BFC: And then we had to get smuggled out of Italy in olive crates on that boat going to Tunisia, but we got caught in a storm and shipwrecked in Algeria instead?

Jerry: Yeah.

BFC: Where we got captured by human traffickers and had to escape to Morocco and work for six months as waiters before we could scrape enough money together to get to Spain?

Jerry: Yeah…

BFC: That trip was better than this one.

The two men paddle along in an uncomfortable silence for several minutes. A large dorsal fin sweeps by Jerry’s side of the bale.

Jerry (eyes growing wide): Umm…

BFC: Unless you’ve spotted a ship heading our way, save your breath.

The large dorsal fin circles around behind the two. Jerry glances nervously over his shoulder and starts to kick harder.

BFC: Take it easy! It’s a long way to that island, and these currents aren’t helping.

Jerry: We’re being followed!

BFC (looking over his shoulder): What the…?

BFC’s eyes go wide as well, and he joins Jerry in frantically kicking the water.

Jerry: We are gonna die! We’re gonna get eaten, just like Eddie Marchand!

BFC: Who?

Jerry: He was this guy in this movie I saw…Jaws 2! See, there’s this shark, and it’s stalking these kids, kinda like Jason X, except this is on the water and not in a space ship!

BFC (still frantically kicking): Are you kidding me? We’re gonna get eaten by a shark and you’re referencing the sequel? What is wrong with you?

Jerry (also kicking frantically): It’s a sequel? Hey, maybe that explains why Chief Brody is so paranoid about sharks…

The great white shark surfaces and opens its massive maw, showing row upon row of razor-sharp teeth. It races towards Jerry and BFC.

BFC: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

Jerry: GGAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

Cut to: The beach on the Island of Doktor Zymm! The party is long over. The ninjas and technicians are grudgingly getting up to go to work. Don Po is helping Ballsofsteelandfury clean up. Covalent Blonde’s legs are sticking out of the back of Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s van, and Marc himself is out in the water, calling for his shark.

Ballsofsteelandfury (shoveling over the fire pit): Marc, I don’t think sharks come when they’re called.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Like, I’m worried about him, man! I wouldn’t want him wandering into a fishing net, or getting caught on a hook or something.

Covalent Blonde (sitting up in the back of the van): Oh, my head. Marc, keep it down, will you? I’ve got a splitting headache.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: That’s because you were, like, showing off, man. Like, you wanted to prove you could crack a coconut open with your head.

Covalent Blonde (confused): I did not. Did I…?

Moosemas Gorilla comes wandering up with an armful of cracked coconuts.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook.

Covalent Blonde: Fine, whatever.

Ballsofsteelandfury: All those poor coconuts. They were taken from us too young.

Covalent Blonde: You’re hilarious.

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

Covalent Blonde: He’s right. We should be getting back to the base. I want to see if Zymm’s gotten anywhere with the Dimensional Energy…thingy.

Ballsofsteelandfury: The D.E.R.P.?

Covalent Blonde: Yeah, that…

Cut to: Doktor Zymm’s island laboratory (previously under the ownership of Professor Percival Po). Doktor Zymm is calibrating the Dimensional Energy Retrieval Portal, which is a yuuuge circular portal with blinking lights and stuff. Steve the Ninja is in the lab as well.

Doktor Zymm: Vell, zat should do it. Ze calibrations are zet, based on ze data collected from ze neural transmitters.

Steve the Ninja: Well done, o Teutonic mistress of technology.

Doktor Zymm: Ja. Of course, it ist difficult to account for ze variables inherent in inter-dimensional travel. But I zink I have accounted for ze most likely zources of instability.

Steve the Ninja: Of course, most stringent of statisticians.

Doktor Zymm: Hmm. Zteve?

Steve the Ninja: Yes, o great and powerful Zymm?

Doktor Zymm: Ja, you can ztop doing zat. I’m not Perzy. I do not need meine ego continually ztroked.

Steve the Ninja: Really? That’s kind of a relief. I had to buy a thesaurus my first week working for Professor Po.

Doktor Zymm: Ja, vell, Perzy does have…issues.

Steve the Ninja: Issues? He has volumes! Why, one time he had a bunch of us ninjas and technicians sit at a big conference table, with him at the head. He went around the table and each of us had to say something complimentary about him.

Doktor Zymm (noticing as lights start to blink on the D.E.R.P.): Hmm….

Steve the Ninja: I mean, who does that, right? The whole time I was thinking, “An ego this fragile should not be in charge of anything!

Doktor Zymm (frowning as the D.E.R.P. begins to make a humming sound): Ja, true.

Steve the Ninja (finally noticing the D.E.R.P. activating): Hey, should it be doing that?

Doktor Zymm: Nein. You might vant to ztep back.

As the hum grows louder, Doktor Zymm and Steve the Ninja move back. The portal begins to glow and a figure starts to appear.

Doktor Zymm: Rikki…?

The figure steps forward, out of the portal. He indeed looks like Rikki-Tikki-Deadly, but a dark and arrogant Rikki-Tikki-Deadly. Like, this guy is a total bad girl magnet.

Doctor Deadly: I prefer to be called…Doctor Deadly!

To be continued…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower
Member

“It’s a sequel?”

And I’m done.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

That’s it, tough guy, next time I do an experimental Request Line post it’s gonna be NINE parts!

[should probably just Doctor Deadly do my dirty work for me]

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Member

“…and he would stink of sex appeal…”

blaxabbath
Member

Current Bid: $35

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Jerry Was A Shogun Named Marcus
Member

Many of my “bad” decisions have in fact resulted in good times. However ymmv. Not a role model.

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

I’ve spent my entire life avoiding bad decisions or the possibility of bad decisions, and well, I want to die all the time now.

litre_cola
Member

Dr Death the wrassler?

Don T
Member

I’m gonna go ahead and guess BFC and/or Jerry Shogun have a novel of astounding genius in the works.
http://www.bbc.com/culture/story/20160421-when-cervantes-was-captured-by-pirates

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Member
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Interesting. no, actually interesting…. not sarcastic “INTERESTING”…..

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Beasty, I think you may be TOO subtle for the current oval office occupant…

Unsurprised
Member
Unsurprised

Mark’s gonna cut his pet shark open from stem to stern if it eats that weed.

nomonkeyfun
Member

I’ve got to disagree with you there BFC. That sounds like an AWESOME trip to the Mediterranean.

ballsofsteelandfury
Member

I was going to say. I want to travel with BFC and Jerry.

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Member

Who doesn’t?

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