By Paul From Staten Island
I’ve been a fan of the New York Giants ever since I can remember, although admittedly my memory has been rusty since I saw that one guy, you know who, doing that one thing, you know what, and made the mistake of telling him about it. But I’m not a complete idiot and I know, as well as I know my own name, that since November 21, 2014, and 210 straight starts, Eli Manning has been my team’s quarterback and that means he’s been my quarterback too! All Eli has done during that time is bring us two Super Bowl championships and countless memories. He’s thrown for 334 touchdowns during that time, 35 of them just two years ago, when the team was healthy, had an offensive line that didn’t resemble a ferry turnstile at rush hour, wide receivers who didn’t start the season 64th on someone else’s depth chart, and weren’t coached by a guy who looks like an extra in a dropped scene from ‘The Sopranos’!
And tomorrow that all comes to an end, and it’s a disgrace. I did not spend the better part of my adult life camped out in parking lots outside of stadiums I can’t afford to get into, watching my Giants on a beat-to-shit TV while freezing my ass off to see management turn on a franchise icon. Eli Manning is the only thing standing between all of us and a never-ending rolling tide of smug emanating from Boston. Eli Manning has been nothing but quiet competence and stability for 13 years, and he deserves better than this. Yes, he hasn’t been quite what he was over the past two years, but the front office didn’t help him by insisting on replacing stalwarts like Chris Snee with offensive linemen with the agility of, well, me, and the physical characteristics of tissue paper. And this year our top three receivers have all gone down with injuries. I know this, you can’t get a concussion of you’ve got no fucking brains, and you can’t throw touchdowns if you’ve got no fucking receivers!
Eli Manning deserved better; he’s been the face of the Giants for more than a decade, a hero in two Super Bowls and a participant in four Pro Bowls. I think. I mean, even I don’t actually watch the Pro Bowl. Eli should have been allowed to go out on his own terms, the ownership and coaches screwed this up and Eli over and this isn’t gonna be a great year.
By Jordan Ranaan, ESPN
The pitchforks are out. The fan base of the 2-9 team wants blood after their beloved quarterback was pushed aside…
/Thunder rolls in the distance
STOMP, STOMP, CLAP!
STOMP, STOMP, CLAP!
STOMP, STOMP, CLAP!
/there is an enormous clap of thunder, followed by a blinding lightning bolt and a smell that somehow combines brimstone with the best fish tacos you’ve ever had.
BOLTMAN HAS SPOKEN!!! IN OPPOSING THE VIEWS OF MY PORTLY FRIEND UP THERE, (for all fanatical followers of football are followers of Boltman! however misguided their choice in team is), FUCK ELI MANNING!!! ELI MANNING IS A BETRAYER!!!! ELI MANNING IS THE REASON BOLTMAN! HAS BEEN CAST OUT OF THE SEASIDE PARADISE OF SAN DIEGO AND FORCED TO WANDER THE HELLSCAPE OF LOS ANGELES WHILE WAITING FOR A NEW HOME, POSSIBLY IN LONDON!!!! ELI MANNING IS THE REASON TRUE SAN DIEGO CHARGER FANS HAVE ABANDONED FOOTBALL ITSELF, DEVASTATED BY THE LOSS OF THEIR TEAM!!!!
(Boltman! shall, of course, rend them limb from limb, as is required of all apostates, but because Boltman! is an understanding Old God and sees well the reason for their heresy, he shall first provide them the small mercy of rendering them insensible by hypnotizing them with a never-ending reel of a running back pedaling a bicycle on the sideline. It is the least Boltman! can do.) (Now, where was Boltman!? Oh yes…)
FUCK ELI MANNING!!! HE AND HIS FAMILY KNOW WELL THE CRUELTY OF THE BUSINESS SIDE OF THE NFL AND INDEED HAVE EXPLOITED IT TO THEIR OWN ENDS ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION!! INDEED ELI OWES HIS CURRENT POSITION TO HIS AND HIS UNCTUOUS FAMILY’S MANIPULATIONS OF THE DRAFT PROCESS!!! ELI NOW FALLING IN DISGRACE AT THE HANDS OF THAT SAME MERCILESS PROCESS IS BUT POETIC JUSTICE AND BUT A TASTE, AND A SWEET ONE AT THAT, OF THE JUSTICE THAT BOLTMAN! SHALL METE OUT TO ELI WHEN THEIR PATHS CROSS IN THE HALLS OF VALHALLA AND/OR CANTON!!!
WERE IT NOT FOR ELI MANNING TURNING HIS BACK ON THE GLORIOUS FIELDS OF SAN DIEGO BOLTMAN! WOULD STILL BE STOMPING AND CLAPPING IN THAT PARADISE!!! WERE IT NOT FOR THE HEALTH INSURANCE PREMIUMS FORCED UPON BOLTMAN! BY THE NEVER-ENDING BREEDING OF THE PHILLIP RIVERS CLAN BOLTMAN! COULD HAVE SELF-FUNDED NOT ONLY A STADIUM FIT FOR THE FINEST OF NFL FRANCHISES, BUT PERHAPS AN ADDITIONAL ONE FOR AN MLS FRANCHISE, (for Boltman! is an open-minded fellow and willing to flense the skin from the bodies of his opponents in The Other, Lesser Football should the opportunity arise), BUT ALAS, IT WERE NOT TO BE AS THE MANNING CLAN CYNICALLY MANIPULATED THE PROCESS TO AVOID DEAN SPANOS AND HIS ILK, (for which in all honesty Boltman! cannot blame them).
THOSE WHO HAVE BENEFITED FROM THE CRUEL NATURE OF THE NFL’S BUSINESS SIDE ARE NOT DESERVING OF SYMPATHY WHEN THAT SAME PROCESS INEVITABLY TURNS UPON AND SMITES THEM!!! IT IS THE WAY OF THE BUSINESS, AND OF THE OLD GODS!!! FUCK ELI MANNING; HE WAS REAPT WHAT HE SOWED!!!! BOLTMAN! HAS SPOKEN. LET ALL WHO WOULD SAY OTHER THAN “FUCK ELI MANNING!!!” TREMBLE AT THEIR FATE!!!
/there is another flash of lightning, a great cloud of smoke and then silence
Jordan Raanan: What the hell?