INT. ARIZONA CARDINALS WAR ROOM – DRAFT DAY 2

The Cardinals’ leadership is in conversation about what moves to make with the 15th selection of the NFL Draft’s second round (47th overall). 

Steve Wilks: Gentlemen, while I’m as pleased as anyone about our first round decision to move up and draft Josh Rosen last night, I must again press the need to draft a suitable defensive player at 47th tonight.

Steve Keim: Steve, you have been crystal clear in your approach to coaching but this is our roster to build. Our wide receiving corps is depleted, our D has been losing bodies without suitable replacements since 2015, and we need to build an offensive line that won’t mean an instant death for our young QB. So, while I appreciate your defense-wins-championships approach to the NFL, we have many holes to fill after letting Bruce Arians and Carson Palmer take finale seasons for three years.

Michael Bidwill: Tres Años!

Keim: Yes, Mike, thank you. My point, Steve, is that we all accept that ’18 is going to be a bastard of a year. We have got to use this opportunity to get solid offensive pieces in place. There is some cornerback depth this year; I’m sure we can get you some defensive help this weekend.

Wilks: But DUDE! we have two excellent quarterbacks on the roster who can operate behind the line we have now! I mean, Bradford won Player of the Week every game he played last year and went undefeated! And Mike Glennon! I mean, Glennon went to NC State, man!

Bidwill: Think and Do!

Keim: Yeah but we know about Bradford’s health. We need to go young.

Wilks: But that’s just it. I got my guy to check him out and he’s supposed to be here with the results any minute.

Keim: Your guy? We have a team medical staff. Who approved having some unaffiliated doctor running around our highly structured locker room? Does this looks like New England to you?

Wilks: The boss approved it.

Bidwill: BEST. ICE CREAM CONE. EVAR!!!!!!!

— [door flies open] —

Rear Admiral Ronny Jackson: Hey Steve! Good news! I was able to get out of that other thing and so I was able to finish up the roster evaluations you asked me about!

Keim: This is your outside guy? Where did he even come from?

Bidwill: Army man!

Wilks: He did some consulting for us when I was in Carolina. I couldn’t formally present him until his duties with the Panthers were all wrapped up and, Ronny, I assume that is the case?

Jackson: Oh yeah! Just one quick phone call. [Pulls out cell phone and holds it to his ear] Yeah, I need to speak with Linebacker Thomas Davis please….Oh, he’s out. Okay, could you pass along a message to him please? Tell him that the Candyman called and I just wanted to let him know that I checked his nutrition plans and didn’t see any PEDs on there so that piss test must have been a false positive.

Keim: You review drug tests by simply looking at players meal plans?

Wilks: Rest assured, Ronny is the best in the business. He’s an outside the box thinker. He gets when the rules can be…massaged…and I think it’s a testament to his strengths as a manager and a physician that we was able to get through such a significant portion of our roster this early in the offseason.

Bidwill: CANDY MAN!

Jackson: So yeah, at first, I couldn’t figure out how the specimen Sam Bradford could possibly be entering his ninth year when his body shows about as much wear as — look, you know how ice cream at the top of the container is all smooth and untouched? That’s what his MRIs remind me of.

Bidwill: ICE CREAM!

Jackson: With the strength and mobility I saw in his shoulders, I see no reason why this man couldn’t play football until he’s 200 years old.

Keim: He’s actually considered past his prime, as far as age goes.  And his injury history is —

Jackson: Is fake news, Steve. I don’t see any actual evidence of an injury history; I see evidence of an injury reporting history. And you know how it goes with paperwork anymore. I mean, it isn’t like doctors are supposed to be known for tracking things like patient health histories or, you know, controlled substances.

Wilks: Well, I’m sold. With Patrick Peterson at corner, we get him some support on the other side and, with those DBs and David Johnson, we can get through ’18 with Bradford and let Rosen develop. How do you guys like Quenton Meeks from Stanford then?

Keim: Wait wait wait. We can’t be loading up Johnson after his injury last year.

Jackson: Fake injury last year, I think it what you meant to say. That guy is 105%.

Keim: You’re a doctor and you’re saying guys can play for three-time their lifespan and now you’re using figures over 100%?

Jackson: Look, I may be a little drunk and unwilling to admit that the Ford Escort wrapped around that palo verde tree out front is mine, but I’ve talked to David Johnson and he told me that he’s 110%. Now, I know how ridiculous it is to think that a player is going to be completely honest with you. That’s why I took my own evaluation, that he’s 100%, and averaged it with his own. Sorry guys but the numbers don’t lie.

Bidwill: Don’t tell lies!

Keim: Where exactly were you during the combine then? Did you evaluate anyone on the board tonight? I mean, to be frank, I wish I’d heard your diagnoses from Steve before we were right in the middle of the draft.

Jackson: Well the combine was tough because I had a prior commitment presenting a body weight analysis seminar at Hollywood Upstairs Medical College. I wish I had been at the combine though. I’d have told all those kids to not take part in the three-cone drill because they should not be running backwards. That’ll just ruin their knees.

Keim: Well, back-peddling is a part of every position. We need to evaluate their technique and speed.

Jackson: Understandable but we don’t have them take head shots at the combine. Did you know that, for every step taken backwards, it’s as much wear and tear as 50 steps forward?

Wilks: Well, sounds like the doctor has spoken. Mr Bidwill, you good with going corner? Like Anthony Averett? Carlton Davis?

Bidwill: I’m tired.

Keim: Well I can heat you some warm milk sir and —

Jackson: Uh, excuse me but go ahead and leave this to the professional. Now, tell me sir, what’s your favorite color and what is the biggest number you can think of?