INT. GAME SHOW STUDIO – MUSIC AND LIGHTS BEGIN AS THE CROWD APPLAUDS THE APPROACHING HOST
Michael Strahan: Good evening ladies and gentlemen! We’re excited to have you here tonight as we, once again, give a derelict father the opportunity to meet his bastard-turned-celebrity child. So, without further ado, let’s all welcome our first deadbeat dad, Individual-1, who is here tonight to….
Audience: Meet! Your! Illegitimate! Child!
Music plays and lights begin illuminating the set as the stage doors open and the unwitting contestant wanders into view.
Individual-1: What the hell is with all these lights? What the hell is going on? Where’s the board table?
Strahan: Welcome to Meet Your Illegitimate Child. Tonight you’ll be working with one of your son or daughter’s closest associates to help you discover the identity of your bastard celebrity child!
Individual-1: Like the Russian hit show?! Oh for fuck’s sake, how does Erik keep finding me? This almost isn’t fair. Being related to your kin should almost be illegal.
Strahan: Now let’s meet the associate you will be working with tonight. Eric, would you tell us a little about yourself and how you know our mystery child.
Eric Reid: Well, I’ve worked closely with the subject on both professional and political causes. I think the subject’s adopted parents did a wonderful job and anyone would be proud to see their genes being passed down through the actions of our subject.
Individual-1: Proud? You mean I want to raw dog ’em while my wife is in postpartum recovery? Hmmmm…..so it must be some big titty bitch.
Strahan: Wrong, Invidiual-1. That’s strike one. Now Eric, tell us a little about what our contestant got wrong about our subject.
Reid: Well, our subject is a male, Michael.
Strahan: And another little tidbit about your son, he actually doesn’t know about you either. That’s right, his adopted parents had kept in touch with the birth mother but, due to financial penalties, never could disclose the identity of his father growing up.
Individual-1: That’s impossible. Those agreements are airtight and I’ll take anyone to court for revealing information protected by them. They’re very common with consensual relationships.
Strahan: Consensual? Well, that’s strike two for Individual-1 ladies and gentlemen. [Places finger to earpiece] Oh…Oh now, my apologies. Our producers are telling me we cannot voluntarily reveal information under seal. Judges, please remove that second strike from the board. Ok, Eric, why don’t you tell us a little more about our bastard.
Reid: He is a professional athlete who was actually named MVP of both the Fight Hunger Bowl and the Humanitarian Bowl. He also reached our league championship as a rookie and still holds records for various on-field performances.
Individual-1: Fight hunger? Just grab a Big Mac. This boy sounds like a son of bitch. Is he here? Is he here being a humanitarian? I say, get that son of a bitch out of here! Fire him! I don’t want to meet him! He’s fired!
Strahan: Well he is, in fact, not here tonight. Believe it or not, though you’ve paid tens of thousands of dollars to conceal your relationship with him, you two actually have already forged somewhat of an association.
Individual-1: Is it Mike Pence!? It’s Mike Pence, isn’t it!
Reid: How old do you think the Vice President is?
Individual-1: Oh, uhhh….I actually never really thought about it. Doesn’t matter. I don’t want to meet him. I’m out of here.
Strahan: We did just dive right into this game tonight but, to further explain, if you do not want to continue the game tonight for any reason at all, you may try your luck with Door #2!
Individual-1: Well then. So this man who claims to be my flesh and blood, what’s he do for work? He inherit nothing and built everything the right way just like his old man?
Reid: Well, he’s currently pursuing a civil suit against the NFL which, as this unfolds, may change the fundamentals of professional sports in America forever.
Individual-1: Alright! And then he’s gonna take on the owners with a rival league where he might get himself a taste of that wealth?
Strahan: Oooh — strike two now. Eric?
Reid: Not about wealth at all. He’s just trying to stand up for the rights of all men and women in America who are unjustly punished for speaking out in support of civil liberties.
Individual-1: Oh God no.
Reid: In fact, he has donated millions to help the underserved in our communities.
Individual-1: Like I said, oh Me no.
Strahan: So any guesses as to who your illegitimate son is? And, might I remind you, you already have two strikes on the board.
Individual-1: You know, I don’t even know how I got here. I was supposed to be going to the Russian embassy to pass on more intelligence secrets that are to be delivered directly to the Kremlin for their use against the US pubic in this November’s elections.
Strahan: ….no strike buzzer? Judges?
Individual-1: So I don’t know who this young man is but, I’ll let you, it’s a real shame. It’s a real shame that a man’s private life cannot be left alone. I mean, how is it the business of a kid to know who his father is? Seriously. What about my right to privacy?
Strahan: Well, do you want to take a guess then?
Individual-1: Well, he seems elusive. And dedicated….to the point of stubbornness, even.
Individual-1: And it seems like he’s molded himself into a man who is confident in the decisions he has made and carries a capacity to work as hard as necessary to accomplish his goals.
Individual-1: And so, you know, I think he doesn’t need me.
Individual-1: And since I’ve never even heard of any non-disclosure agreement, I think it’s safe to say your producers screwed up because I have no sons.
Strahan: You’re saying you have no illegitimate sons?
Individual-1: No. I have no sons at all.
Strahan: Ok, well, let’s hope this is the case. Now let’s cut live to the reveal with your son right now. We’ve just revealed your name to him. Have a look at the board.
Reid: Oh man. He set his place on fire?
Individual-1: Wow. That’s weak. Weak like a woman who stays with an adulterous husband. Hey, maybe that sand n-word is Hillary’s bastard kid!
Strahan: So you have no interest in meeting your son?
Individual-1: Oh absolutely not. What’d be the point? His career is over. I have spoken firsthand with the league owners and there is no way that bastard plays another snap in the NFL. So, no. I mean, we’ll see. I have no sons, remember.
Strahan: And we’ll see you all back here next week as NFL month continues here on the show.
Individual-1: Yeah, because the NFL is a bunch of black men who can’t stop sexually assaulting women.
Strahan: Thank you for watching and to our audience at home, remember, there’s a reason Indy closed his eyes when the Nazis opened the Ark. Good night everybody!