EXT. THE ROYAL LONDON HOSPITAL – DAY

Establishing shot.

ANNOUNCER BETH MOWINS: That’s My Royals [sic] is filmed on location in Belfast, [sic] England.

CUT TO – INT. HOSPITAL ROOM – DAY

AMARI COOPER lies unconscious in a hospital bed.  KOLTON MILLER sits in a chair in the corner of the room, munching on a big packet of chicken tikka-masala flavored crisps. He looks up as AMARI COOPER begins to stir and opens his eyes.

AMARI: [dazed] Where…where am I?

KOLTON MILLER: [loudly] Guys, guys, he’s awake!

KARL JOSEPH, JORDY NELSON, DERRICK JOHNSON, ARDEN KEY, JON FELICIANO, DEANDRE WASHINGTON, and [RECENTLY PROMOTED PRACTICE SQUAD PLAYER] all pile into the room and crowd around the bed.

KARL: You’re in the hospital.

KOLTON: Spot of the National ‘ealth, eh guv’nah?

AMARI: My…head…

JORDY: Yeah, you took a right proper knock on the noggin’, mate.

AMARI: Well, at least I held onto the ball…

ALL: [laughter]

AMARI: Well, at least the penalty yardage helped keep the drive alive…

ALL: [laughter]

DEANDRE: Nurse, nurse!  My friend here has apparently forgotten which team he plays for!

AMARI: So…did we win?

ALL: [loudest laughter of all]

— [door flies open] —

NURSE: [looking slightly disheveled] What’s going on in here?

KOLTON: Amari’s awake!

NURSE: Well, that’s quite lovely.

— [door flies open] —

DONALD PENN: [also looking slightly disheveled] Amari!  You’re awake! [crosses the room to give him a hug]

NURSE: All right, all right now.  Your friend here is going to need his rest.  Why don’t the rest of you boys head off into London, find a nice pub, and watch a bit of football?

ALL: Sure!

[RECENTLY PROMOTED PRACTICE SQUAD PLAYER]: Get healthy, Amari!  We’ll be back soon!

—

Never in my worst nightmares would I have predicted that the Raiders would be in such terrible shape at this point in the season.  It’s not like I wasn’t warned.  And despite my preseason insistence that I wasn’t going to drink the kool-aid and that I would keep my expectations for this team within reason, I’m still quite shocked at how completely Jon Gruden has failed thus far in his return to the Raiders.  He’s made Art Shell look like…[scours internet for example of a coach who was hired twice by the same team and was actually more successful in his second stint]…um…Walt Kiesling?

The Raiders have been a failure on every level.  Their only win of the season came courtesy of an extremely questionable review reversal of a game-clinching first down by the Browns.  As of six weeks into the season, they had the league’s worst point differential at -66.  They are 29th in the NFL in turnover ratio.  Their defense, which originally managed to hold teams like the Los Angeles Rams and [ugh] the Miami Dolphins in check for three quarters before collapsing, are no longer keeping games remotely within reach.  Not that it would matter for an offense that has put up a total of 13 points in its last two outings.  A standard pair of possessions in a Raiders game at this point consists of the offense laboriously plodding up the field and stalling completely in the red zone, ending the drive with a missed field goal or turnover, followed by the opposing offense casually scoring a long touchdown on a defensive breakdown.

Apart from the defense, which is a disaster on pretty much every level, the Raiders’ biggest problem is its offensive line.  The Raiders took a gamble by betting big on first-round pick Kolton Miller at the left tackle position over veteran Donald Penn, who was asked to play right tackle instead.  Trying to overwrite a lifetime of habits proved overwhelming for Penn, who eventually was lost to injury and replaced by another rookie.  Miller was doing as well as could be expected for a rookie until he suffered a knee sprain, which he’s been trying to play through to disastrous results.  Gabe Jackson has regressed considerably after being one of the Raiders’ most reliable players, and Kelechi Osemele has also been slowed by injury.  The result of all this turmoil has been a complete breakdown of both the running game and the passing game.  With zero time to run through progressions, Carr has turned into a checkdown machine, and defenses of course have gotten wise and learned to home in on receivers running shorter routes.  Without the threat of a functional run game, play action has become pointless.  The Raiders offense hasn’t been this bad since 2014, which is – not coincidentally – the last time Greg Olson worked for them as offensive coordinator.

What’s worse than anything else right now for the Raiders, though, is team morale.  Tank Carradine asked for, and was granted, his release.  Derrick Johnson did the same.  There’s been talk of the Raiders shopping first round picks Amari Cooper and Karl Joseph.  Young players like Gareon Conley and DeAndre Washington, who could stand to gain tremendously from development, have been benched in favor of ancient veterans like Dominique Rogers-Cromartie and Doug Martin.  Jon Gruden insists that the team isn’t and won’t start tanking, but for the Raiders making a concerted effort to win games is like me trying to dunk a basketball.  It’s just not going to happen.  They might as well spend their time doing something productive, but they won’t even do that.

I’ve given up on this team and stopped watching the games live.  There’s no point in putting myself through something so unpleasant.  I don’t see them winning more than 3 games total this season, and I’ll be thrilled if they even manage that.  They will be looking at the first or second pick in the draft, which they will trade down from, and might as well accept a bag of magic beans (that turn out to be rocks) in exchange for all the good they’ll do with those picks.