Ever get picked last for any sport? Ever showed up to a store one minute after it closed? Did your fave resto run out of the ‘special’ that caught your eye? Ever gone to the fridge for that one last beer and realize that the one you just finished off was your last one?

Sure you have. These are First World problems and these are the sources (among many, many others) that cause us to feel disappointment. If I was a Seahawks/Niners tilt that gained sentience, I too would be disappointed about having to play the only other game in the 4pm window across from the Pats/Stillers tussle. I’d be wracked with self-esteem issues and would morbidly check the game’s ratings the following day so that I could wallow in inadequacy once again. TO THE GAMES!

Seattle/San Fran:

The one working headlight on the Seahawks “We’re Going To The Playoffs” bus can almost spot the post-season off on the horizon. A smackdown of a Niners team jockeying for draft position is just the ticket that is likely to get punched.*

*I’d like to make it clear that not in any way, shape or form is ‘ticket’ regarded by me to be gendered as female. Domestic violence is a serious issue-besides, the ticket was like that when I got here.

Pats/Steelers:

I yinzed up my basement by letting the toilet overflow, slashing the leather couch and drunk-texting my hot 20-something cousin. For today we are all free to let out that inner yinzer as we cheer against the Pats. [runs thru backyard wearing only an ill-fitting t-shirt] WWWWOOOOOOOOO!!!

There was beer at the beer store.