Catch a tiger by the toe. Or a Giant. Or maybe a Packer. You know, one of those teams that have chances of making the playoffs in around the 2-5% mark. Watch them holler at the end of the day when they’re officially eliminated from the holy grail that is extra revenue from concession sales in January. TO THE GAMES!
Cards/Falcons:
Neither of these teams can get to .500 if they (ha!) win out the season. Approach this game carefully. If it shows any sign of aggression, make yourself as big as possible and shout. The game tends to get confused at odd behavior and will shy away.
Lions/Bills:
Do not wake up this game if it is sleeping, otherwise it may get cranky. If it does get cranky, heat up some chamomile tea and ask the game about its day. Maybe rub the game’s shoulders a bit. Show the game that you care.
Packers/Bears:
If you encounter this game on a hiking trail, make sure that you have several bratwursts in your back pack. A bit of mustard and sauerkraut wouldn’t hurt either. Be well-versed in the collapse of America’s manufacturing industry-this game does love to commiserate into its food.
Raiders/Bengals:
If you want to survive this game you’re going to have to look at it straight in the eye and show that you’re the alpha in this situation. This game will get the message and back away with its tail between its legs.
Cowboys/Colts:
This game doesn’t trust strangers very much so you’ll have to be patient. Get the game to talk about itself, open up a bit. You’ll be surprised at how much it reveals about itself by the end of the third quarter.
Titans/Giants:
Best to make yourself as small as possible if you happen upon this tilt. Maybe, maybe think about using a slingshot if you absolutely have to. The odds aren’t on your side but some folks will tell you that it worked at least one time before.
Potato Skins/Jags:
Circle this game slowly, not making any sudden moves. Try to stay just out of its peripheral vision and it won’t be able to formulate a plan of attack. After a while it will decide that you’re not worth the effort and will go about its way.
Bucs/Ravens:
Punch this game right in the nose. This game will show no mercy and you’re gonna have to go all in if you want to make it out alive. Come to think of it, a knife wouldn’t be a bad idea either.
Show me the way to go home.
Great Manningface!
This means that T-shirt company will send me four more emails entitled “DAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *bear emoji* *down arrow(” or “Thank YOU so much, Jon Gruden LOL *bear emoji*
When they make a statue of Rodgers it should be in the pose of him asking for a flag.
That pose is reserved for Tom Brady.
Bengals may still alive in the division, but it would go to like the 5th tiebreaker.
Well fuck me they’ve actually done it.
#TheProphecy
Ladies and Gentlemen….your NFC North champion Bearistocrats!
Khalil Mack is a champion.
At the risk of triggering ICRM, thanks, Gruden!
Too late. I’ve checked my email box.
JINGLE BOYS, JINGLE BOYS, JINGLE LAID AN EGG
Glennon about to match Rosen’s 3.5 quarter total….
This is why Joe Philbin did not start the season as a HC.
Having been at Soldier Field for the last fucked up onside kick recovery, I am only 93% confident here.
This only gets more perfect if Rosen gets Alex Smith’d.
And his hands shrunk 2 sizes that day
Upon further review, perhaps Dallas isn’t going to win the Super Duper Bowl this year.
How do you not fire Wilks when you gotta overhaul the roster anyway? The whole team will be learning new schemes next year anyways, so why teach new guys Wilk’s bullshit?
Man just getting in front of a tv to watch the very end of this Bears game. Good to see the Packers trying so it can hurt more.
Derek Carr is going to grow up to be Ray Liotta in every way
Ray Liotta is more than just Chantrix
He’s also an uncharismatic conservative Christian weirdo with permanent eyeliner
But I doubt Liotta has the entire Cure discography.
“You can laugh if you want to, but Washington is not mathematically eliminated…”
Damn, Scott Hanson!
Is anyone mathematically eliminated in the NFC East? It’s way easier to stay in it when everyone is equally shit
“Be patient now, Mavis, I’ve almost got it out. Gee, it’s really good and stuck in there, isn’t it!”
Snortin’ Windex, smokin’ Pall Malls: These are the good old days!
I love it that it took a good three seconds for Chris Myers to remember when the Bears last won their division
In his defense, it took me about as long too
2010? I remember 2001 better.
Oh, hey, Keir Dulea!
It’s funny that when I thought about recent playoff appearances I thought back to *1994.* That’s how forgettable their last Super Bowl season was.
I remember that year, the Bears beat the Packers in the opener, and it was the last time I ever saw a happy Bears fan
Why am I watching the Vikings versus the Dolphins? What sins have I committed? What, exactly, went so wrong in my life that this is where I have ended up? Why, I ask, do I…
Hey, NICE TD!!!
Pfft, that is only the NFL version of Purgatory, for true hell you could have Falcons vs. Cardinals. Thank the gods for Red Zone.
Refs should throw flag on dolphins o lineman for his hit in tannehill
Ratbirds run entire clock out. NICE!
The Bengals end of the year highlight reel is just going to be the great tackles they make after punting it from the 50.
“What religion forbids you to tackle on a Sunday?”
-Pat Shurmur
EVEN JEHOVAH’S WITNESSES KNOCK AND SHIT
In that order.
Sometimes.
Rodgers has an active mime? Weird flex, but okay
I thought McCarthy was the problem?
lol
RAY LIOTTA: For me, Chantix reduced my urge to smoke. Boom. End of story.
DIRECTOR: Cut! Beatiful Ray, that’s a keeper!
RAY LIOTTA: (lights up Marlboro)
It’s nice to be up top, but I’ve had more aborted banners than the Fab Five!
I had a love letter written for Zymm but I did edibles and made it into a paper airplane and threw it out the window
Damn it Galloday how do you get 140 yards with no touchdowns? There’s only 100 yards on the field
And with Boyd and Mixon out, the Bengals official have their entire 2nd-team Offense on the field.
100% less co-ed smacky
BEATIE?? NO!!!!!!
Down from the ledge, he’s back.
Lookit Leonard Cohen scamper!
MOM!!! He said bad words!
Nice to see some things never change.
Also, “Moooommmmmyyyy! What’s your special toy doing in the bananas?!!”
Imagine the confusion that same night when some middle aged suburban mom pulls open her bedside table drawer only to find a ripe Cavendish.
This guy gets it.
Liz Phair
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-JvB5AL59fM
“The Banana Splits definitely need a dark & gritty reboot.”
-some Hollywood producer, somewhere
pouty Rodgers
They should play ‘Mack the Knife’ instead of just ‘Return of the Mack’
Baltimore game?
Fun rarity in my Raging Semi! match – both our TEs (Brate and Uzomah) are pitching shutouts.
Just end the game. Dallas got a shot of reality.
The O-Line needs to get healthy.
The coach needs to update his LinkedIn profile.
that’s better Ratbirding
That tree is suffering from a lack of diversity.
They didn’t want the tree to tilt over.
You just can’t see the trunk.
and here is why Chi**** would be super dangerous v. N’Awlins – they control time of possession really, really well.
Sounds like Pam has a severe case of Phallus Impactus.
I do like it when the Cowboys get walloped.
I get the position that you don’t want o prematurely fire a new coach. But how to you honestly bring back Steve Wilks when his defense has straight up quit on him? He doesn’t have an OC and I don’t see how he gets anyone that isn’t a huge reach (or underwhelming retread, like McCoy was). There is nothing going for him and he’s as confused now as he was at Week 3.
Good thing I have some curling coverage recorded. Gotta love The Ocho!
INSURMOUNTABLE LEAD in Joisey.
so ends the Elisha redemption tour
mom never signed his field trip form.
Oh fuck me running
I should’ve saved that Danson gif for this.