Catch a tiger by the toe. Or a Giant. Or maybe a Packer. You know, one of those teams that have chances of making the playoffs in around the 2-5% mark. Watch them holler at the end of the day when they’re officially eliminated from the holy grail that is extra revenue from concession sales in January. TO THE GAMES!

Cards/Falcons:

Neither of these teams can get to .500 if they (ha!) win out the season. Approach this game carefully. If it shows any sign of aggression, make yourself as big as possible and shout. The game tends to get confused at odd behavior and will shy away.

Lions/Bills:

Do not wake up this game if it is sleeping, otherwise it may get cranky. If it does get cranky, heat up some chamomile tea and ask the game about its day. Maybe rub the game’s shoulders a bit. Show the game that you care.

Packers/Bears:

If you encounter this game on a hiking trail, make sure that you have several bratwursts in your back pack. A bit of mustard and sauerkraut wouldn’t hurt either. Be well-versed in the collapse of America’s manufacturing industry-this game does love to commiserate into its food.

Raiders/Bengals:

If you want to survive this game you’re going to have to look at it straight in the eye and show that you’re the alpha in this situation. This game will get the message and back away with its tail between its legs.

Cowboys/Colts:

This game doesn’t trust strangers very much so you’ll have to be patient. Get the game to talk about itself, open up a bit. You’ll be surprised at how much it reveals about itself by the end of the third quarter.

Titans/Giants:

Best to make yourself as small as possible if you happen upon this tilt. Maybe, maybe think about using a slingshot if you absolutely have to. The odds aren’t on your side but some folks will tell you that it worked at least one time before.

Potato Skins/Jags:

Circle this game slowly, not making any sudden moves. Try to stay just out of its peripheral vision and it won’t be able to formulate a plan of attack. After a while it will decide that you’re not worth the effort and will go about its way.

Bucs/Ravens:

Punch this game right in the nose. This game will show no mercy and you’re gonna have to go all in if you want to make it out alive. Come to think of it, a knife wouldn’t be a bad idea either.

Show me the way to go home.