Catch a tiger by the toe. Or a Giant. Or maybe a Packer. You know, one of those teams that have chances of making the playoffs in around the 2-5% mark. Watch them holler at the end of the day when they’re officially eliminated from the holy grail that is extra revenue from concession sales in January. TO THE GAMES!
Cards/Falcons:
Neither of these teams can get to .500 if they (ha!) win out the season. Approach this game carefully. If it shows any sign of aggression, make yourself as big as possible and shout. The game tends to get confused at odd behavior and will shy away.
Lions/Bills:
Do not wake up this game if it is sleeping, otherwise it may get cranky. If it does get cranky, heat up some chamomile tea and ask the game about its day. Maybe rub the game’s shoulders a bit. Show the game that you care.
Packers/Bears:
If you encounter this game on a hiking trail, make sure that you have several bratwursts in your back pack. A bit of mustard and sauerkraut wouldn’t hurt either. Be well-versed in the collapse of America’s manufacturing industry-this game does love to commiserate into its food.
Raiders/Bengals:
If you want to survive this game you’re going to have to look at it straight in the eye and show that you’re the alpha in this situation. This game will get the message and back away with its tail between its legs.
Cowboys/Colts:
This game doesn’t trust strangers very much so you’ll have to be patient. Get the game to talk about itself, open up a bit. You’ll be surprised at how much it reveals about itself by the end of the third quarter.
Titans/Giants:
Best to make yourself as small as possible if you happen upon this tilt. Maybe, maybe think about using a slingshot if you absolutely have to. The odds aren’t on your side but some folks will tell you that it worked at least one time before.
Potato Skins/Jags:
Circle this game slowly, not making any sudden moves. Try to stay just out of its peripheral vision and it won’t be able to formulate a plan of attack. After a while it will decide that you’re not worth the effort and will go about its way.
Bucs/Ravens:
Punch this game right in the nose. This game will show no mercy and you’re gonna have to go all in if you want to make it out alive. Come to think of it, a knife wouldn’t be a bad idea either.
Show me the way to go home.
Oh look, the Raiders are on Red Zone!
Because they fumbled, of course.
RRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
#IndianGiversNoOfence
So apparently someone picked a fight with the Ice Bears mascot. Because hockey.
Here’s a surprise-the Giants game is dreary, boring and scoreless.
These Falcons stop the run….exactly as well as all other falcons.
Less so, if the amount of running done by that squirrel I saw last week was any indication.
Rosen sneak!
That sneaky…um, quarterback.
Coastal elite
Oh I’m part of the Chevy family? I didn’t realize that, considering I hadn’t received my notice that my Midwest manufacturing job was being eliminated next year.
NAW, they ain’t lay off any of them conventionally attractive executive types
I’d like to see what cars Chevy executives drive.
ALL GERMAN/JAPANESE
PLEASE let that DJ score stand.
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
/big WHEW
Welcome to hell, Rodgers.
-family members at his intervention
found a funny:
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
PLEASE be useful, Corpse of David Johnson
now LET HIM HAVE TEH SCORE!!
He’s too decayed to be of any value as food…maybe you could ride him down the hill as a sled?
AH! I’m missing the start of the Bengals game!
This is a nice feeling, actually.
Genie, you’re free.
No turnovers or certainly no scores from Bearistocrats! D/ST, es muy importante.
/ah gave you fuckers The Prophecy you owe Hippo that much
So ‘The Passage’ is just ‘Firestarter’ with zombies, right?
again, I am certain the cinematic/teevee tranlation will be awful, but I read all 1700 pages of the trilogy, and it was AWESOME. So richly textured.
/also MOAR LIEK vampires, but not 100% so
It sounds like it except that Firestarter would be pretty useless against zombies, because as Max Brooks astutely pointed out now you have zombies that are just as dangerous except now they are on fire.
There’s a Ryan Kerrigan SPLOOSH! for Dok.
it just me, or does LAMAR! look like he has quite a dose of fetal alcohol syndrome?
The Cowboys offensive line is going to be nicknamed ‘The Aristocrats’ if Zack Martin doesn’t come back soon.
Bill Maher, wide south.
I so want Los Gigantes to win out and bring Elisha back. Even though I like Scotchy.
Stop it right there, Prophesy Guy.
let jordan howard run the ballllll!!!
come on bears!!!!
NAWT Purging Thielens. It’s still good! It’s still good!
Zeke needs to cut down on the hurdles, he’s vulnerable in the air.
It’s 50 degrees in Cincy today because the planet is dying.
I thought it was because Mike Brown wouldn’t turn on the heat.
Some t-shirt company I bought from a couple years ago is sending me emails selling what I assume is their Bears gear and all of them are titled either “DAAAAAAAAAAAA!” or “Thank you, Jon Gruden!” and I can’t delete them fast enough.
how about Trubinski FOAR MVP??
Shady McCoy is out and I needed a RB for my play-offs, (I think I’m fighting for 9th place), so I picked up Cordarelle Patterson.
I’ve felt less dirty after visits to strip clubs.
fantasy football playoffs!
cool!!!
Here’s wishing everyone (but the Ghost of Shogun Marcus) a raging semi!
Go get ’em, Cowboys. Steal the Fathumps lunch
I’m here to prolong the pain. Let’s get through this together.
Eagles going to win tonight? or at least cover?
They’re going to beat LA and Houston in dominating fashion, then with everything breaking their way to give them a clinching opportunity in week 17, they’re going to blow a 14 point 4th quarter lead to Washington
This checks out.
I think they cover
Crap Zack Martin is out today.
Morning Folks.
Ugh.
What’s this bullshit about James Conner being doubtful? Going to have to start Peyton Barber in the battle with tWBS for the Toilet Bowl
high ankle sprain, dude
Rub some dirt on it
Pretty sure he’s out.
Wow I just woke up. I was more tired than a sleepy defensive coordinator.
Fellaini without the Sideshow Bob hair is disturbing.
The Vikings also play Miami in the early window.
Got a small 3 teamer with Vikings, Indy and Buffalo.
I must have made that bet when I was baked.
From the roundball analysis world, my friend Pete made this:
but does he like to RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!?
I would happily kick any of those Redshite children (even the baby) in the face.
Rebecca Lowe looks like a piece of ribbon candy in that blouse.
she is just…dreamy in every way
Sorry to be a pain in the ass, but Ty Montgomery was just declared a HEALTHY scratch. Does that tip your scales toward Dixon more?
yes
that tidbit just caused me to pick Dixon up for Week 16, though I had to drop Breida (they’re in Chi**** next week, I can’t see playing him).
OK, I love the etrade commercial playing Atomic Dog.
Do you feel dirty Hippo cheering for Mourinho?
against KLOPP? Fuck and no.
it’s akin to teaming up with Uncle Joe to stop Hitler. You do it without question, and don’t worry about the morality until much later.
that’s got to be STRAIGHT RED
unfucking real, they book ROM for taking a raised boot to the shin
Alisson’s dreamy looks got in the way there.
it’s like he was caught fingering his asshole in the mirror while listening to old Elvis Costello
GET IN, goal out of nothing!!
Thanks for the no-show, Manure. You dickless shitheads.
SUDDEN CHANGE!
Looks like shady AND ivory are out vs DET. Just grabbed McKenzie & Marcus Murphy off waivers. I know Rosen is their RB1, but which, if either of these 2, is playable over Tiny Darren?
I’d rather Tiny Darren. Brokeback QB is BUF’s RB1.
That entire game spooks me. Can Philly be competitive?
even if they can’t, there will be possessions playing from behind (perfect Tiny Darren conditions). You think Big Dick Nick won’t be checking it down all day?
the Cuck Liouns have also been playing loads of low-scoring fixtures, and their D may have turned a corner. Not the spot where I’d play some asshole off the street over an NFL-caliber player.
[steps off ledge]
Thanks
And Sproles over K. Dixon, right?
probably, but Dixon would be a defensible choice
(stolen from Fairly Odd Parents – somehow there is no video on YouTube)
Me: “They don’t deserve it, but they are my team. I should buy a cheap ticket and support them.”
Wanda: “Good job, Redshirt!”
Cosma: “Yeah! Think of all the good times you’ve had with the Bengals.”
(drives down to Paul Brown Stadium remembering:
– firing Sam Wyche because he didn’t want to be Mike Brown’s bitch
– letting Boomer Esiason retire and go to Monday Night Football
– drafting a run-and-shoot David Klingler and trying to turn him into a Pocket Pro Style QB
– drafting an one-year-wonder Akili Smith
– not hiring a Scouting Department or at least Techo Bowl and Madden to look at the attributes
– sticking with the same head coach when its obvious he’s hit his window and won’t get better
– sticking with the same head coach when its obvious he’s hit his window and won’t get better
– screwing over Dick LeBeau by giving him a shitty team in his only chance as a head coach
– sticking with the same head coach when its obvious he’s hit his window and won’t get better
– returning Hue Jackson when he run out on a rail in Cleveland
– losing the first playoff game
– losing the first playoff game
– losing the first playoff game
– losing the first playoff game
– losing the first playoff game
– losing the first playoff game
– losing the first playoff game
arrives at Paul Brown Stadium visibly seething, calms down)
Me: “Hey, Bengals I wanted to buy a ticket to today’s game.”‘
Bengals: “Really?”
Me: “I wanted to BUT I CHANGED MY MIND!!!!
(throws a clown costume on Bengals, paints their faces in clown face paint)
(Raiders fans drive by pointing and laughing)
At least you’re not in Cleveland.
the municipal equivalent of Alabama’s “Thank God For Mississippi”
That’s not Jerral as Doug Dimmadome, owner of the Dimmsdale Dimmadome.
I’m pretty much finished with my Christmas shopping, which is an early first for me. A few online things left but no big deal. My wife wanted some stuff from Kohls or Marshalls or whatever and so I went down there last weekend and — aside from how absolutely brutal those women are when they are on the hunt (as opposed to Bass Pro where dudes are all helping me move through these tight spaces because I got a baby too and, I’m sure, they all know the inconvenience of trying to solo shop with a baby) — the strangest gift offering I saw was like a YouTube set. I assume it’s for making good videos like the influencers or whatever. But I just think that’s an interesting hobby or whatever.
Probably won’t watch ARI today. Gonna run to Home Depot and pick up the online order. Then over to Bed Bath and Beyond to pick up another online order. Gonna have to feed the kid when I get back so might steal a peak at the third quarter (where ARI is TERRIBLE this year) during that. But, all in all, should be a nice little Sunday.
Speaking of Klopp, this is quite funny:
https://youtu.be/QoZJvYEI1Kw
Wow. I just slept 14 hours straight. How do people function on Seroquel? Anyway, fútbol. Who do we want here? Or, more accurately, who do we hate less? Myself, I find Klopp to be delightful and always find myself pulling for his team.
Futbol is stupid and I hate it.
I’m waiting for Barça at noon Pacific but anything where Mourinho loses is ok in my book.
Hell, if he can get humiliated by Klopp, even better!
you are BAD and should FEEL BAD. Klopp is a preening twat, and I hope he dies.
That is a shit tastic slate
It really is. Even the Bears-Packers will probably be devoid of its usual Bears hilarity.
Wait until the afternoon. The whole country is getting Pats-Steelers.
I’m all revved up for some 9-2 barnburners!
Hey tWBS, how pissed are you at yourself for leaving Mike Williams(LAC) on the bench this week?
Very pissed, other tWBS. Very, very pissed.
Hey Litre, do you think weed psychosis is taking over Twbs?
Don’t ask me, you are the one talking to yourself Litre.
I haven’t smoked since last California trip sooooo….
/looks at calendar
//carry the one
4.5 months.
Maybe that’s the problem?
(but my plants are doing well…I might even be able to harvest a little sumpin’ sumpin’ in a week or two)
Their California cousins say hello!
Hehehe.