Tyrel Jackson Williams: Good morning folks. My name is Tyrel Jackson Williams and I am here to introduce you to the latest Peter King production, The Wednesdayer. Now, many of you might know me from my portrayal of Charles in IFC’s Brockmire. Well, that’s effectively the role Mr King brought me in to recreate here as he continues to build his global brand.
Peter King: You’re taking too long, Charles!
Williams: Tyrel.
King: It’s a radio name. Like Jimmy and The Animal or The Drive Time Guys. You’re Charles. But look, that’s not the point. The point is that we need to hurry this along. I know I’m celebrated for my ability to write in-depth pieces about the NFL but, on this feature, we’re shooting for succinct and direct answers.
Williams: Why don’t you just take it from here, Peter?
King: Great call. You’re a real Tyronn Lue here. Just get everyone set up and let the star call his shots. So readers, what we are doing with this new production is expanding my brand. Like Curt Schilling getting into video games or Peyton Manning investing in some Budweiser distributors, I can see the demand folks have for my style of research and insight but now want it applied to topics away from the gridiron. Fortunately, my largest passion away from sports is construction. I’m kind of the general manager of my own home and so I’ve put together a nice resume of completed projects. Plus, when I’m traveling in first class so much, I tend to catch a lot of Fixer Upper and that Palm Springs one. They had an episode with Tim Tebow on it actually and I thought it really gave us some insight into what the Mets organization gleaned from Tebow’s years in the NFL and, I think, might give us a look at how MLB general managers are taking a look at cross-sport athletes now in the pursuit of, perhaps, the next Deion Sanders. Neon Deion, as he was known to many, was a —
Williams: Getting off-topic a bit here, Pete.
King: We’ll cover Deion’s pranks with the Cowboys in a later episode, I’m sure, but the point is that I want to share my excellence with those of you at home who may have questions about anything from a leaky faucet to why the US scored a D+ on their 2019 infrastructure report card.
Williams: This isn’t succinct, Peter.
King: I’ll give ya a hint, it’s Congress.
Williams: 30 seconds, Peter. Seriously.
King: Look, I’m closing this up as fast as I can here. Just as Seacrest moved on from American Idol hosting, I too will be growing a bigger legacy in the improvement and HGTV-style house-flipping business. In fact, I got my own company started.
That, ladies and gentlemen, is the true Peter King BrandTM that will live on long after the XFL has run the NFL and the AAF out of business.
Williams: Alright and so we got our first question here. Looks like it’s a bot from twitter who wants to know what the changes to the —
King: So before we go, I just want to mention that I enjoyed a Four Peaks Orange Blossom Ale while in Arizona for Spring Training last month. Now, citrus in beers is often a crap shoot given the various —
Williams: [Mutes King’s microphone] So send in your questions to Peter regarding your projects from anything as simple as a garbage disposal sound to the proper way to permit your stadium expansion project. We’ll see you next time.
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“Speaking of power tools, I had a lovely weekend with Commissioner Roger Goodell…”
I laughed. I cried. I am slow-clapping now.
/smokes another bowl
/goes back to re-read it
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So apparently Matt Stafford’s wife has a brain tumor. If I’d had to predict which of them would have health issues, I’d have gone with Matt, in the pantry, with the diabetes.
Well, you can never say there isn’t proof that she watched every single one of his games….
If Peter King gets more nutmeg flavored insulation questions than the Mailbag gets any advice questions, I’m gonna lose my shit.
Najeh, it’s right where you left it.
/points at hamper
This is actually a serious question. In my housing development, there is a shared driveway that provides access to the garages of like twelve houses or so. It’s probably close to as wide as a very narrow city street (so four car widths – barely). People have been parking in front of their garages, arguing that it’s technically their property (technically, they own the property out to the middle, so yes, this is true). As the resident old man rake-shaker, I believe that it’s a fire lane / easement and it’s not legal to park there (also it looks ghetto as fuck). Any insight?
are there any by-laws or parking code violations? Maybe research that and then just call by-law and\or parking and get them ticket them to ticket the vehicles.
/passive-aggressive
MAYYYBBBBEEEEEEEE
Having experience dealing with the LA Fire Dept inspectors, I can tell you that your best bet is to walk down to your local station with a cell phone picture and ask the question.
You won’t get any traction otherwise.
Experience with LA firefighters, this does not mean Mitzy at the rippers Ballsy.
God… Damn!
?
PS- Hey King, any tips for bilking greedy landlords into paying for luxury improvements?
I can’t wait for the segment “Five things I think I don’t think about drywall.”
The segment about toilet repair post Skyline chilli is going to be explosive.
Repair? That’s a straight one-for-one replacement project.
Long time caller, first time listener.
I want to go “off the grid” with my next project: how do I make the best use of the slain bodies of my enemies to make an eco-friendly lair?
I’ll hang up and await your response.
-“B-Man”, Greater San Diego Metropolitan Area
The most common way to find that needle is to burn the haystack.
Use a magnet. The answer is always magnets.