The Losers’ Investment Club: Kroger

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

A group of NFL personalities are seated around a conference table.  Another stands by a whiteboard in the front of the room, angrily poking at a series of items written in a list, using a marker to cross one of them off.

BILL O’BRIEN: …I c-c-can’t b-b-believe we’re still having this c-c-conversation.  F-f-for the last t-t-time, if we w-w-wanted to throw all our money at a Hostess, we’d have invited B-b-b-ob Kraft to j-j-join the group.

ANDY REID: [pouts]

JOSH ROSEN: [raises hand] Um, I have a question.

BILL O’BRIEN:  J-j-j-jesus, k-k-kid, this isn’t fucking Hebrew school; you don’t have to raise your f-f-fucking hand.  J-j-j-just ask your g-g-goddamned question.

JOSH ROSEN:  Why am I here?  Most of your have been involved with the NFL for ages.  I’ve barely even started my career.

COLIN COWHERD: Well I think that’s pretty obvious, Josh.

BILL O’BRIEN:  G-g-g-goddamnit, Colin, did you really have to set up that st-st-stupid microphone rig in here?

COLIN COWHERD: [with simple honesty] I feel naked without it.

JOSH ROSEN: [to COWHERD] What do you mean, “obvious”?

COLIN COWHERD: We needed someone of your…pedigree.

JOSH ROSEN: Pedigree?  What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

COLIN COWHERD: You see, when I’m looking at putting together an investment club, I’m not looking for the DeMarcuses, the Antoines, the LeSeans.  Give me your Julian Edelmans, your Sage Rosenfelses, and yes, your Josh Rosens…

JOSH ROSEN: [stands up]

BILL O’BRIEN: [attempting to be diplomatic] What C-c-colin is talking about, Josh, is your football pedigree.  UCLA? Loser c-c-college.  Arizona Cardinals? Loser franchise.  Miami D-d-d-dolphins? Buncha losers.

JOSH ROSEN: [sits back down, frowns] UCLA isn’t a loser college.

LAWRENCE TYNES: [coughs, wheezes, takes pull from asthma inhaler] Oh yeah? Then how come nobody is paying bribes or committing fraud to get admitted?

BILL O’BRIEN: Face it, k-k-kid.  You never had a ch-ch-chance.

ANDY REID: [pulls out paper bag full of barbecued spareribs, begins eating them]

HUE JACKSON: So then why am I here?

BILL O’BRIEN: [stares at him] Are you fucking j-j-j-joking?

HUE JACKSON: [stares back at him]

BILL O’BRIEN: Hue, you are the worst c-c-c-coach in NFL History.  Other than the g-g-guy who coached a team that he owned himself, there is n-n-n-nobody who was as much of a loser as you.

HUE JACKSON: [smiles deviously] Someday I’m going to own a football team, Bill.  And then we’ll see who’s a loser.

BILL O’BRIEN: Sure you are, H-h-h-hue.  You k-k-keep on living that fantasy.  Now.  We need an investment idea.

KATIE NOLAN: I have an idea.

BILL O’BRIEN: [dismissively] Sure, Katie, whatever.

KATIE NOLAN: So Kroger Foods ($KR) is reporting their earnings next week.  Their stock is currently trading at around 25, up from a low of just under 21 a month and a half ago.  They just announced they’re releasing a product to compete with Beyond Meat, who is currently blowing the top off the market right now.  And they have a lot of momentum going into their earnings report.  You are never going to go broke selling food to Americans, it’s really quite simple.  It’s a good bet.  And it’s a safe one too, even if the economy falls off a cliff.  Nobody stops eating in a recession.

LAWRENCE TYNES: [opens up pill bottle, takes medication] Yeah, but they just announced that they’re discouraging people from openly carrying guns into their stores.  The cornpone crowd ain’t gonna like that.

KATIE NOLAN: I hear you loud and clear, and get this – I think that they feel confident enough to do that is a tell.  Earnings are going to be solid.  If we pick up now we can get in on the ground floor.  Well, not quite the ground floor; they’re already up five percent in the last week.  But I think they’ll keep rising until earnings come out.

BILL O’BRIEN: [rolls eyes] All right, Katie, you’ve said your piece.  Anyone else.

ANDY REID: Kroger.

BILL O’BRIEN: What’s that, Andy?

ANDY REID: Kroger.  Food.

BILL O’BRIEN: Hmm…you might be onto something.

HUE JACKSON: I like it!

KATIE NOLAN: But I just…

BILL O’BRIEN: [interrupts her] You had your chance, Katie, now it’s Andy’s turn to pitch.  Josh, what do you think about Andy’s idea?

KATIE NOLAN: Andy’s idea?

COLIN COWHERD: Be quiet, Katie!

JOSH ROSEN: If Andy’s on board, it’s hard for me to say no.

LAWRENCE TYNES: I’m game.

COLIN COWHERD: Me too.

BILL O’BRIEN: All right, so it’s decided, we’ll pull the trigger on Kroger.

KATIE NOLAN: But I…

BILL O’BRIEN: Sorry, Katie, it’s six against one.  We’re moving forward with a buy on Kroger, with the intention of holding on for a week.

—

We’ll be following along with the Losers’ Investment Club’s picks down here as the season progresses.  This week’s investment is 400 shares of $KR at a strike price of $25.09.  Based on that, the club’s current assets stand at $10,036.00.  See you next week!