The Losers’ Investment Club: Kroger

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Latest posts by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly (see all)

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

A group of NFL personalities are seated around a conference table.  Another stands by a whiteboard in the front of the room, angrily poking at a series of items written in a list, using a marker to cross one of them off.

BILL O’BRIEN: …I c-c-can’t b-b-believe we’re still having this c-c-conversation.  F-f-for the last t-t-time, if we w-w-wanted to throw all our money at a Hostess, we’d have invited B-b-b-ob Kraft to j-j-join the group.

ANDY REID: [pouts]

JOSH ROSEN: [raises hand] Um, I have a question.

BILL O’BRIEN:  J-j-j-jesus, k-k-kid, this isn’t fucking Hebrew school; you don’t have to raise your f-f-fucking hand.  J-j-j-just ask your g-g-goddamned question.

JOSH ROSEN:  Why am I here?  Most of your have been involved with the NFL for ages.  I’ve barely even started my career.

COLIN COWHERD: Well I think that’s pretty obvious, Josh.

BILL O’BRIEN:  G-g-g-goddamnit, Colin, did you really have to set up that st-st-stupid microphone rig in here?

COLIN COWHERD: [with simple honesty] I feel naked without it.

JOSH ROSEN: [to COWHERD] What do you mean, “obvious”?

COLIN COWHERD: We needed someone of your…pedigree.

JOSH ROSEN: Pedigree?  What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

COLIN COWHERD: You see, when I’m looking at putting together an investment club, I’m not looking for the DeMarcuses, the Antoines, the LeSeans.  Give me your Julian Edelmans, your Sage Rosenfelses, and yes, your Josh Rosens…

JOSH ROSEN: [stands up]

BILL O’BRIEN: [attempting to be diplomatic] What C-c-colin is talking about, Josh, is your football pedigree.  UCLA? Loser c-c-college.  Arizona Cardinals? Loser franchise.  Miami D-d-d-dolphins? Buncha losers.

JOSH ROSEN: [sits back down, frowns] UCLA isn’t a loser college.

LAWRENCE TYNES: [coughs, wheezes, takes pull from asthma inhaler] Oh yeah? Then how come nobody is paying bribes or committing fraud to get admitted?

BILL O’BRIEN: Face it, k-k-kid.  You never had a ch-ch-chance.

ANDY REID: [pulls out paper bag full of barbecued spareribs, begins eating them]

HUE JACKSON: So then why am I here?

BILL O’BRIEN: [stares at him] Are you fucking j-j-j-joking?

HUE JACKSON: [stares back at him]

BILL O’BRIEN: Hue, you are the worst c-c-c-coach in NFL History.  Other than the g-g-guy who coached a team that he owned himself, there is n-n-n-nobody who was as much of a loser as you.

HUE JACKSON: [smiles deviously] Someday I’m going to own a football team, Bill.  And then we’ll see who’s a loser.

BILL O’BRIEN: Sure you are, H-h-h-hue.  You k-k-keep on living that fantasy.  Now.  We need an investment idea.

KATIE NOLAN: I have an idea.

BILL O’BRIEN: [dismissively] Sure, Katie, whatever.

KATIE NOLAN: So Kroger Foods ($KR) is reporting their earnings next week.  Their stock is currently trading at around 25, up from a low of just under 21 a month and a half ago.  They just announced they’re releasing a product to compete with Beyond Meat, who is currently blowing the top off the market right now.  And they have a lot of momentum going into their earnings report.  You are never going to go broke selling food to Americans, it’s really quite simple.  It’s a good bet.  And it’s a safe one too, even if the economy falls off a cliff.  Nobody stops eating in a recession.

LAWRENCE TYNES: [opens up pill bottle, takes medication] Yeah, but they just announced that they’re discouraging people from openly carrying guns into their stores.  The cornpone crowd ain’t gonna like that.

KATIE NOLAN: I hear you loud and clear, and get this – I think that they feel confident enough to do that is a tell.  Earnings are going to be solid.  If we pick up now we can get in on the ground floor.  Well, not quite the ground floor; they’re already up five percent in the last week.  But I think they’ll keep rising until earnings come out.

BILL O’BRIEN: [rolls eyes] All right, Katie, you’ve said your piece.  Anyone else.

ANDY REID: Kroger.

BILL O’BRIEN: What’s that, Andy?

ANDY REID: Kroger.  Food.

BILL O’BRIEN: Hmm…you might be onto something.

HUE JACKSON: I like it!

KATIE NOLAN: But I just…

BILL O’BRIEN: [interrupts her] You had your chance, Katie, now it’s Andy’s turn to pitch.  Josh, what do you think about Andy’s idea?

KATIE NOLAN: Andy’s idea?

COLIN COWHERD: Be quiet, Katie!

JOSH ROSEN: If Andy’s on board, it’s hard for me to say no.

LAWRENCE TYNES: I’m game.

COLIN COWHERD: Me too.

BILL O’BRIEN: All right, so it’s decided, we’ll pull the trigger on Kroger.

KATIE NOLAN: But I…

BILL O’BRIEN: Sorry, Katie, it’s six against one.  We’re moving forward with a buy on Kroger, with the intention of holding on for a week.

We’ll be following along with the Losers’ Investment Club’s picks down here as the season progresses.  This week’s investment is 400 shares of $KR at a strike price of $25.09.  Based on that, the club’s current assets stand at $10,036.00.  See you next week!

 

 

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
Please Login to comment
17 Comment threads
19 Thread replies
35 Followers
 
Most reacted comment
Hottest comment thread
15 Comment authors
BrettFavresColonoscopybk109Horatio CornblowerUnsurprisedMoose -The End Is Well Nigh Recent comment authors
  Subscribe  
Notify of
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Alright, I missed this on friday–I’m in.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m in for $12.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Did you pick Kroger to make the acronym?

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

The CGI in this new Addams Family reboot looks so lifelike it’s scary.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Goddamnit, Jerrah!

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Game Time Decision

There are so many of these kinds of clips where I want to know what they thought was going to happen
Still laughing at them tho

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I really don’t think they think that way.

ballsofsteelandfury

I love this so much.

/Buys Kroger stock

ballsofsteelandfury

BTW, Katie Nolan is looking seriously fine. Nice photo selection.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

JOSH ROSEN: Well Gruden just kept asking me to run the XY Spider Banana play over and over until-

ANDY REID: [Abruptly stands, having misjudged how quickly he would eat all the food in the room]
comment image

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

I invested in Kroeger once, and all I got was a Nickelback.

SonOfSpam

This is either excellent or terrible and I’m all for it either way.

bk109
bk109

Soooo, Raiders caved in and are letting AB off the hook again… I suspect this is gonna be one LOOOOOOOOOOONG season for Oakland, but I do wonder on the over/under when someone Geno Smith’s him after his latest outburst

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

The little tiny soul inside of me is wondering if this isn’t the world’s most obvious cry for help where everyone is just laughing and calling AB an asshole diva. I feel what I believe may be genuine human concern for the guy and he’s just getting thrown to the wolves, er, Broncos by Gruden like he just needs to walk it off. Something feels off here.

Sharkbait

I kinda get that feeling too. He seems unwell.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“The best way to deal with mental illness is to ignore it.”

-Jon G., CA

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Or make a career out of it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well, he did get PAAAAAAID, since he got off scott free for his shenanigans.

bk109
bk109

Funny, isn’t it, when a superb talent does it, it’s always “but it may be psychological/physical trauma”, but when it’s some meathead (*cough* Incognito *cough* ) it’s being a total asshole. Sorry, but I respectfully disagree about the trauma part (especially since the Raiders must’ve done a proper physical before throwing a shitload of cash at AB) and lean towards an asshole got progressively worse with every praise and every 0 tacked at the back of his paycheque…

SonOfSpam

Tremendous. Especially for a cracker.

(Does Andy Reid always have a bag o’ ribs on him?)

bk109
bk109

Probably, with a bucket of unused time outs from past seasons to use as napkins..

SonOfSpam

Lucky for him, challenge flags are already red.

nomonkeyfun

Of course. He also has a second bag. He calls them his spare ribs.

comment image

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

You don’t?

Sharkbait

SELL 30 APRIL AT 142!

comment image

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

You forgot to include the Required Legal Disclaimer:

“All investing involves the risk of loss. Especially when Hue Jackson is involved. Potential investors should consult with their personal financial adviser before investing, unless that adviser is Bill O’Brien “

Game Time Decision

i think i’ve seen this movie, but it was orange juice futures and not Kroger.

LemonJello
LemonJello

I imagine Andy Reid is somewhat perplexed by Whole Foods not selling him whole livestock, ready to eat.

bk109
bk109

“I imagine Andy Reid is permanently perplexed” FTFY 🙂