I don’t know about this past week’s slate of games. I thought it was just a big ol’ heap of trash.

Maybe it was the let-down of having a GB vs. KC Sunday night game ruined because the new smugness was out and we only got the old smugness. The worst son in the world, that is.

Seattle and the Thursday night game were pretty much the only full games I saw. This whole extremely painfully long instant replay/challenge/hair’s breadth difference issue is just clawing my interest back down to the depths of Indian Premier League cricket. Which might be on now. I should look into that. I almost had it figured out last year.

Thursday there was a Washington at Minnesota game. Two racist stereotypes for team names. You’re saying my Scandinavian heritage makes me violent? How dare you! I’ll dirty-finger your whole goddamn family.

Anyway, I liked the [redacted]’s jerseys. Not the [redacted]’s. The [redacted]’s. The purple ones. Ok, the Grimace-origined.

I don’t care if he’s a negative stereotype, he’s been through hell with Uncle O’Grimacey and he’s doing the best he can. Besides, who else is there?

A California raisin? Maybe 20 years ago but now they’re just grapes in wrinkleface.

Oh, them, really? Is this my first day? I’d kill for Share Bear or Tinky Winky if I could get them to keep their snouts out of the cocaine or each other’s seams for five bleedin’ minutes.

Dizzy Devil? Are you mad? There’s a rule about going full you-know-what.

Hey, hold on. It’s been right in front of us. Barney. Barney’s been ripe for a movie for too long now. Oh yeah. Screw you, parents. Screw you like never before. It’s coming. Live action mixed with CGI. Maybe 3D or 4K or even VR. Probably with one of those Jenner skanks and someone from riverdale or stranger things or that show where the kids kill themselves. And Barney will be hot. So damn hot. He’ll be a Jonas. Screw you to the moon, parents. 

Seattle went down to Atlanta and got started on a boat race, going up 24-0 at the half and making it look as easy as swiping “no” on Bruce Jenner’s dating app profile. Then they just stopped the boat, got out and went swimming for the second half while Matt Schaub threw for a pile of meaningless yards against the Hawks’ base D. Julio in the slot against the subs was a great recipe to make the Schaub look good on paper but I can assure you, he ain’t. On paper, that is. He is most likely on grass or asphalt or some of that rubber flooring they use to soak up sweat and dropped weights in gyms.

Monday Night. Well, good lord. First of all – who the hell has the Steelers as 14 point favourites over anyone, even the Dolphins? 10, sure. Even 12 but 14 seems like a lot of misplaced faith by hopeful bettors in the Pittsburgh area. In any case, Miami goes up 14, then gets back to sealing their lips and hauling back on that tailpipe for all their little lungs can muster.

They lost. KC lost. The viewers lost. Thank John there are CFL playoffs coming up soon.