Hey there.  Did you read the 2019 Green Bay Packers preview on this site?  What a load of shit!  Whoever wrote that must be an IDIOT.  Let’s take a look, shall we?

[W]ith a new offense, everything might take longer to come together than all the pundits suggest.

The Packers are near or in the top ten in nearly every offensive statistical category.

Jimmy Graham is old and shitty now.

Jimmy Graham is the seventh rated tight end statistically in the league.

While they have a third-place schedule, that only affects two of their games, and they will likely have a hard road against the AFC West and NFC East.

The Packers are currently 3-0 against the AFC West. They got a break, as they always do, against the Chiefs, as Mahomes was out with an injury. The NFC East is probably the worst division in football, and the Packers are currently sitting 1-1 against those slapdicks, with games remaining against the Giants and [*Redacted] s (lol).

Chicago and Minnesota both have better defenses and skill players on offense.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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*deep breath*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

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Mitchell Trubisky is the 28th ranked quarterback and the Bears are the 30th ranked offense in the league.  Their receivers have more drops than any team other than Miami, who is actively tanking. I could go into more detail, but it is safe to say that they suck ass.  The Vikings, on the other hand, are pretty good!  Kirk Cousins is still very Kirk Cousins-y, but their offensive is humming along nicely, and their defense is stout. But the Packers still have a game on them due to . . . reasons.

While Rodgers is talented enough to pull out a win or two on his own, his inexperienced receivers and modestly-upgraded no-name defense will probably help him lose a few.  That, and they can’t beat the fuckin’ Lions, man. 

I stand corrected. Thanks, refs!

At the risk of sounding like a bitter Detroit Lions fan, since when is this not pass interference??? Also two nonexistent “hands to the face” calls that changed the game… C’mon man! pic.twitter.com/3IkquAr8gN

— Kent Knapp (@KentKnapp4) October 15, 2019

Illegal hands to the chest phantom call on Trey Flowers goes from a sack to 1st down Packers 😂 what a joke! #LambeauRefs pic.twitter.com/9IqBxLLXHv

— Rick Sosa (@sosarick) October 15, 2019

With the benefit of these calls, the Packers are 8-2.  Even without that gifted win, they would be 7-3 and tied with the Vikings for first place in the NFC North.  Their remaining schedule includes the 49ers, Giants, [*Redacted] s, Bears, Vikings, and Lions. If they go 2-4 (which is an obvious worst-case scenario), they will still walk into the playoffs.  Which leads me to the prediction in the preview . . .

I don’t think this is a playoff team this year, but, depending on the maturation of the defense and Declan Zeta-Jones, Edgar Bennett III and Eugenics St. Bonaventure, they could have a promising future in 2020.

8-8. NO PLAYOFFS FOR YOU!!!

Yeah, that was a really fucking bad prediction.  When I ever I doubt parent-hatin’ Aaron, it comes back to bite me in the ass. Obviously, the Packers will make the playoffs and have a real shot at the Superb Owl. As noted above, the NFL loves Rodgers (unlike his ungrateful family, bunch a freeloaders), and will give him the superstar treatment throughout the rest of the season and the playoffs.  Given a few lucky bounces and the good graces of the zebras, I would predict that they at least make the NFC Championship Game, if not the final. Toby from Winnebago will be so excited that he might even ask Abby if she will churn his butter, if you know what I mean.  I think it is fair to assume that it will be some combination of Rodgers or Brees versus Brady or Mahomes or Jackson at the end.  The darkest timeline of rooting for the Pats in the Super Bowl against these assholes is lining up perfectly for me.  In conclusion, this team is really good, but, on the other hand, fuck Green Bay, fuck the “owners”, fuck Wisconsin, and fuck the Packers.

NEW PREDICTION: 12-4, Super Bowl losers to the usual suspects.

To steal a phrase from the recently-deceased Deadspin, this blog is over!

[Invisible dicks in banner image c/o USA Today]