The Losers Investment Club: Resolutions

INT. CONFERENCE ROOM – DAY

A group of NFL personalities are seated around a conference table.  All of them appear to be in the late stages of a three day hangover.  ANDY REID is carefully reading a copy of “Barbecue Nation” magazine.  BILL O’BRIEN has a laptop computer in front of him and is staring angrily at the keyboard. 

LAWRENCE TYNES: Oh God, why did I listen to you, Colin?  “It’s fine, kid, the alcohol in the vodka will help kill off the staph bacteria!”

COLIN COWHERD: [without lifting his head up from where it is laying on the table] Groan.

LAWRENCE: Katie, can you hand me a fresh bottle of Pedialyte?

KATIE NOLAN, who is looking marginally less worse for wear than the rest of them, reaches into a cooler at her feet and pulls out a plastic bottle.  She hands it to LAWRENCE who uses it to top off his IV.

LAWRENCE: Hey, who makes this stuff, can we invest in them?

BILL O’BRIEN: Hmm, l-l-l-let me l-l-look it up.

BILL O’BRIEN pecks away at the computer very slowly, repeatedly needing to hit the backspace key.  His face gets redder and redder as he proceeds.  Eventually JOSH ROSEN pulls an iPhone out of his pocket.

JOSH ROSEN: Siri, who makes Pedia…

SIRI: I FOUND ONE CROSS-REFERENCE FOR “COACH TRESTMAN” IN YOUR CONTACTS.

KATIE NOLAN: Wow, the newest version of Siri responds fast.  Maybe we should invest in Apple.

BILL: [looks up from laptop] Overbought.  [reads off screen] Pedialyte is made by Abbot Laboratories, which…[types a couple letters, swears, types a couple more letters]…looks like it’s overbought too.

KATIE: Hey, what wrong with your computer skills, Bill?  Did you hurt your wrist or something?

BILL: [frowns] It’s this alternative keyboard layout I’m trying out.  It’s my Jew Year’s resolution…goddamnit, I mean NEW Year’s resolution. Now it’s affecting my speech too!

COLIN COWHERD: On the plus side, it seems to have helped suppress your stutt…

KATIE hurriedly reaches over and turns off COLIN’S microphone.  COLIN looks around with alarm, not knowing what to do next.

KATIE: It’s good that you’re trying something new, Bill!  I’ve got a resolution too – I’m going to try to learn to speak Korean.

BILL: Oh, neaf…I mean, neat!  Who else has got a resolution they’d like to share?

JOSH: I’m gonna try to get out surfing more often.

KATIE: Colin, what about you?

COLIN: [is silent for a second, then takes a deep breath] Well, I guess I might as well share.  Have you guys ever heard of something called “trichotillomania”?

Everyone shakes their head, and then they all look towards LAWRENCE TYNES.

LAWRENCE: Actually…no.

COLIN: It’s a nervous disorder that consists of irresistible urges to pluck out your own hair. For me, it’s my eyebrows.  I can’t seem to leave the damned things alone.  So this year I’ve resolved to throw all my tweezers in the trash and do my best to stop “pulling”, as we in the lifestyle call it.

LAWRENCE: Oh, wow.  That’s…thanks for sharing, Colin.  Is there anything we can do to help make it easier?

COLIN: It’s exacerbated by stress, so…maybe we make a few low-risk plays to start out the year?

JOSH: Sounds good to me.  How about a nice 40/60 blend of index funds and treasury bonds?

COLIN: Yeah…that’ll work.  Hey, how much do we have left after Hue’s little adventure?

BILL: $7,888.

COLIN: I wonder where he is.

LAWRENCE: Or if we’ll ever see him again.

JOSH: And if Robin Hood is ever going to get their money back.

KATIE: Oh, they won’t.

BILL: Anyhow, the diversified index/bond play sounds pretty good to me, so I’ll just…[attempts to type in a trade]…oh, fuck.

KATIE: [facepalms] For the love of…

BILL: It’s fine, it’s fine, I just sausage-fingered it a little and bought triple-leveraged funds.  UPRO and TMF.  It’s basically the same thing, but the swings are three times as big.

COLIN begins surreptitiously reaching towards his eyebrow until KATIE slaps his hand away.

JOSH: Speaking of sausage…

ANDY REID looks up from his magazine.

JOSH: You got any New Year’s resolutions, coach?

ANDY REID: Same one I make every year.  Try to win the Super Bowl.

KATIE: Oh, good luck with that, Andy.  We’re all pulling…[glances at COLIN]…I mean, rooting for you.

There is a beat of silence as all of the members of the Losers Investment Club look at each other forlornly, having seen Andy make this resolution before.  Despite their trepidation, they still all nod their heads in support, except…

BILL: Well…I mean…I’m not.

—

The Losers Investment Club have assets of $7,888 which includes 44 shares of $UPRO  at $71.90/share and 177 shares of $TMF at $26.73/share.