Translation: I think, therefore I’m a Rotten Bastard

Welcome again to What We Drank Last Night.  In-depth beer, wine and liquor reviews are great, but the average North American has neither the time nor the attention span for “notes of smoked blueberry” and “nuances of toast.”  WWDLN is more like if Robert Parker had to keep his heart rate above 130 or else he’ll die, like Jason Statham in Crank.

Here’s the required format, as set forth in The Holy Writ:

• A picture of the beverage, if available. Can be a stock shot, still life in a glass or being poured over an attractive person’s body.
• A one-sentence description of the beverage.
• One sentence about about what you liked or didn’t like (herbal, too sweet, tastes like Andy Reid’s taintsweat, etc.)
• A picture or gif representing your rating of the beverage, preferably in a humo(u)rous manner.

Obviously, this weekend revolved around the Wild Card Round of the National Football League Playoffs. I actually only got to watch one of the games live- the 4 Month Sleep Regression has transitioned into teething, and the situation would end in divorce court or a quiet padded room if I had tried to absent myself from parenting for 12 hours. And no, giving the baby some booze was Not an Option. Dr. Cox says it’s only ends in tragedy.

That being said, I’ve caught up through the magic of condensed footage and Instant Hippo Thoughts. SO: here’s some drinks reflective of last weekend’s Wild Card festivities. Ratings will follow an Archer-based system. PARTICIPATE BELOW, FELLOW HUMANS.

BUFFALO V. HOUSTON: Drāno Max Gel

Description: powerful clog remover and surprisingly refreshing-  superior to the Liquid Plumr Foaming Pipe Snake in both bouquet and finish. The perfect accompaniment to the bowlful of wet ashes that is Buffalo’s playoff history in the last quarter century.

Rating:

TITANS VS. P*TRIOTS: Don Q Cristal Rum

Description: courtesy of our very own Don T, this little beauty straddles the line between good sippin’ rum and great mixer- little bit more vanilla than I expected in a white/clear rum. It was surprisingly smooth and unsurprisingly delicious, much like the Tits’ triumph over those Foxboro Fuckers.

Rating:

MINNESOTA VS. NEW ORLEANS: Grain Belt Nordeast

Description: it’s…uh…reddish? Native to Minnesota, my Twins fan friend could not stop talking it up, so I had some. Very light, pretty carbonated with sort of a chewing-on-a-wheat-stalk graininess. I expected fellow Ice Belters to prize flavor over fizziness- a somewhat unwelcome surprise

Rating:

SEATTLE VS. IGGLES: Fireball Cinnamon “Whiskey”

Description: At any sufficiently large party, someone (likely a 20something ‘I’m Fun!’ chick, a 40something woman who wishes she were or a creep who wants to take one of them home) will whip out this godawful shartjuice and start demanding people take shots.  A sad inevitability, much like Philadelphia’s march to the gallows on Sunday. This 33% ABV liquid afterbirth adds sugar and burning amounts of cinnamon to Canadian whiskey. It’s like they bottled Gilbert Gottfried’s telling of The Aristocrats.

Rating:

Bonus Rating:

BONUS BEVERAGE: 2020 Tears of a Pats Fan

Description: New vintage, freshly decanted from the Sully & Sons Cellars. Less salty than the 2015 Dorito Dink edition: overtones of denial and a soupçon of dread that Tom Terrific could leave town. Not as piquant as the 2008 vintage, but always delicious and nourishing

Rating:

WHAT DID YOU DRINK, MUTHAFUCKAS?