The scene: The future. Not the future with spaceships and strange new worlds and going where no one has gone before. No, this is a future ravaged by plagues, wars, natural disasters and the occasional Zymm-related mishap. It’s kind of shitty overall, but there are a few bright spots here and there. Like Ape City! That place is clean, well-run and a testament to the abilities of Apekind to live in peace and harmony with each other, and with their surroundings.

This ain’t Ape City, though.

No, this is The Wasteland, that vast desert that’s home to all sorts of mutants, miscreants and malevolent malefactors. And it’s where WCS is just now waking up, his big head buzzing in pain because he was just hurled through time like a rotten egg being thrown at your least-favorite teacher’s house, and his little head buzzing in excitement because there are currently two rather attractive women sprawled across him.

WCS (trying to focus): Oh, man, I wish I hadn’t drunk all that beer, now. I really should’ve stopped at one pony keg. Holy crap, am I paralyzed? I can’t even move…

WCS looks down and sees the reason he can’t move. Well, reasons, plural. Covalent Blonde and Future Clone Debbie Harry are lying unconscious on top of him.

WCS (grinning stupidly): Yeah, that’s what I’m talkin’ about!

Suddenly all the color drains from WCS’s face as he realizes just what will happen to him if Covalent Blonde wakes up on top of him and sees that grin.

WCS (pale and shaken): Crap. This isn’t good. I’m too young to die! Well, young-ish. I did get carded at that bar in Soho back in… Jesus! Has it really been ten years?!! Dammit, I am getting old…

Covalent Blonde stirs. WCS holds his breath. He’s fought inter-dimensional clowns and been to literal Hell, but he’s never been more frightened in his life. He holds completely still, hoping against hope that maybe Covalent Blonde will roll off of him, or start sleep-walking, or maybe get captured by aliens and taken away in a spaceship. Anything, really, to avoid her waking up and getting the wrong idea. WCS really, really wants to avoid spending the next year or so in a full-body cast.

WCS (as Covalent Blonde stops her stirring): Whew, this must be my lucky day! Now maybe I can slide out from underneath them and…

Suddenly WCS realizes that he hasn’t taken a piss since he started his second pony keg, so it’s been a few hundred years between bathroom breaks.

WCS (sweating now): Oh, crap! This sucks!

WCS starts squirming, trying for that fine line between a controlled wriggle and a panicked slide. He eases the upper half of his body out from under the two women. He feels a momentary surge of relief, then realizes that Covalent Blonde’s bracelet is caught on one of his belt loops. Sweating even more under the hot sun of The Wasteland, he carefully takes her wrist in his hand. Then, like he’s defusing a nuclear bomb, he ever so carefully detaches the bracelet. It comes free with a single, gentle tug, and WCS finally releases the breath he’s been holding the whole time.

Then, somewhere off in the distance a man’s scream cuts through the air. It’s a shrill cry of fear and desperation. WCS’s eyes widen in fright as he sees the hand he’s holding turn into a fist.

WCS: Oh, shi-

Reflexively, without even fully waking up, Covalent Blonde launches a hammerfist towards WCS’s junk.

WCS (also screaming in fear & desperation): AHHHHHHH!

WCS’s surprisingly high-pitched scream causes Covalent Blonde to come fully awake and, in that moment of confusion, he kicks out from under the two women and bolts behind a large boulder.

Covalent Blonde (waking up dazed): Da fuq…?

Future Clone Debbie Harry (waking up confused): Oh, my head… Lackey, get me an aspirin. And a glass of vodka. Not the cheap stuff, either. And a softer pillow. This one is far too hard.

Covalent Blonde (kicking Future Clone Debbie Harry away): That’s not a pillow, that’s my thigh. And if there’s any vodka around here, it’s all mine.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (looking around): Oh, I can’t believe this. This must be The Wasteland. Well, that’s another one of my plans your stupid little club has messed up.

Covalent Blonde: Frek you and your plans, you little psycho. It was your stupid T.A.T.A.S. That caused this, y’know.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (huffily): Don’t you insult my T.A.T.A.S.! It’s not like T.A.T.A.S. Just grow on trees, you know! They have to be carefully designed, crafted with the best of care, oiled constantly…

WCS (from behind the boulder): Can we change the subject, please? I really have to take a piss here, and all the T.A.T.A.S. talk is making it difficult.

Future Clone Debbie Harry (grimacing): Ugh. Can men ever think about something other than themselves? I mean, really.

Covalent Blonde: Hurry it up, WCS! I want to find the others and get out of…wherever we are.

Future Clone Debbie Harry: We’re in The Wasteland. I already said that.

WCS (sighing from behind the boulder): Ahh…finally… Look, what is this Wasteland? Are we in Cleveland or something?

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Well, this place is home to marauding bands of degenerates, cannibals, monsters and alien outlaws but no, at least it’s not Cleveland.

Covalent Blonde (gazing at the vast desolate area): So… Detroit, then?

WCS (zipping up): Wait…you said aliens? Like, bug-eyed monsters and little green men?

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Some of them fit that description, yes.

WCS: Whoa! That’s pretty cool!

Future Clone Debbie Harry: Of course, others are like that Vaaarg rockman that you were urinating on.

WCS: The what now…?

As if in response, the boulder that WCS is standing next to lets out a loud, gravelly yawn and slowly stands up. It stands nearly twelve feet tall, with a fairly humanoid body, albeit one made of large rocks. The rockman’s head turns and looks at its damp leg, then turns its head toward a suddenly very pale WCS.

Vaaarg Rockman: Wy u pzz n muh leg?

WCS: Uhh…

Vaaarg Rockman (slowly raising a massive arm): U pzz n meh, gunna skwidge yer hed.

WCS runs away as fast as he can. He bolts past Covalent Blonde and Future Clone Debbie Harry, heading off into the desolate wasteland at a rapid sprint.

Covalent Blonde (running after WCS): Hey, you idiot! We don’t know what’s out there! Come back!

Future Clone Debbie Harry (running after Covalent Blonde): Don’t leave me out here by myself! I need lackeys! I have to be catered to, or I get very testy!

The Vaaarg Rockman finally finishes raising his arm. He blinks once, then realizes that his potential victim has buggered off.

Vaaarg Rockman: Nuh skwidge? Frek…

To be continued…