Good evening from your hat, hope you are all safe, sound and are drunk again as Sunday hangovers are the worst.
When our dear internet uncle TWBS passed away, he and I were working on a fiction thing. We got a bit into it and then he left us, making us all better throughout his run.
Here is Part 1.
On a dreary day with no sports, or no prospect of sports TWBS decides he has had enough with the state of things in North Carolina.
Fuck it Dave (Twbs’ truck), we’re heading north to Canada. With what those boys are planning this could be a gold mine. I mean 10 months of winter won’t be too bad right?
Our intrepid traveler makes his way to the border of Washington and British Columbia.
PEACE ARCH BORDER CROSSING;
Dave rolls up.
TWBS: Hello gents, just lookin to pass through and retire on a pug farm with two internet friends.
CBP; Whoa whoa whoa, what is with the impoliteness mon ami?
TWBS: Shit, yeah sorry. Good day, at your leisure could you please process my documents so I can make my way north? Thank you for your time.
CBP: Thank you, that’s more acceptable. You’ll need to work on that.
TWBS: (inner monologue) Fucking hell, just get me to the farm where I can grow my weed and the pugs can run wild and free.
CBP: What is your purpose to coming to Canada?
TWBS: Well you see, these two friends of mine have opened a farm to rescue flat faced dogs and I am a retired vet so they asked for help.
CBP: How do you plan to support yourself?
TWBS: With my two legs, heh heh heh.
CBP: (Scowls) Not doing yourself any favoUrs.
TWBS: I am retired and my 401k didn’t take a beating during the Grudenvirus outbreak.
CBP: Grudenvirus?
TWBS: Yeah, you know, Gruden made commercials for Corona, so I did a little play on words there.
CBP: Scowls again.
CBP: We are going to move you into secondary screening.
TWBS (inner monologue) Fuck, if they search Dave, I could be in deep trouble here.
Search finishes.
CBP: We found some strange things in your truck sir. Not illegal, but concerning, so we have a few questions. Why do you have 4 fleshlights, random seeds, dead squirrels and so many stripper business cards from Vegas?
TWBS: Ok, well the 4 fleshlights are for a friend, we kept trying to send them to him but they never got through customs due to bacteria. The stripper cards, well, I was unsure about your internet and a man has to do what a man has to do. The seeds are from my buddy Weaselo and they are hot peppers as I assume your cuisine is as bad as the English. As for the squirrels, they were to feed the pugs.
CBP: There is a lot to unpack there.
TWBS: Its only some fleshlights, seeds, cards, and squirrels, I wouldn’t say it took me long to pack.
CBP: (scowls) Not helping. Also, a guy named Weasel?
TWBS: Its Weaselo, and he is an upstanding musician with a penchant for spice.
CBP: Sir, bath salts are illegal up here. So you are saying you’re acquaintances with someone in the drug trade?
TWBS: No, no, he likes hot food.
CBP: So you are acquaintances with a drug dealer named Weasel who likes hot food? This doesn’t look good on your prospects for entry.
TWBS: I am soUrry.
CBP: That’s better. You can go now. But we are keeping the fleshlights, seeds, squirrels and especially the stripper cards. Why are they stuck together?
TWBS: I spilled Betty Crocker icing on them. I have a penchant for sweet and sticky (heh)
CBP: Scowls.
Begrudgingly the CBP allow our protagonist through the border and he makes his way to downtown Vancouver for his meetup.
Granville St, Vancouver, Canada
Dave pulls up and TWBS takes a look around.
Just a quick stop to meet BeerguyRob and then on my way to the farm. I gotta say this place is gorgeous with just the right amount of polite seediness.
How am I going to know who BeerguyRob is? His message was pretty cryptic, just said to meet him at The Morrissey Tavern and to be ready.
Ready for what?
The Morrissey is very dark, no tv’s, a classy dive bar.
TWBS: I’ll have a Molson.
Smoking hot gothish bartender: First of all, manners. 2nd, Molson? What the hell is that?
TWBS: You know, your national beer. If not that then a Labatts right? Please.
Bartender: That’s better. While I do appreciate your cuteness, and your politeness, you clearly aren’t from around here and have no idea what the fuck you are talking about.
[DOOR FLIES OPEN]
To be continued.
As for Sports on tv tonight, no. I mean there might be, but not sure what you are in to. Watch a documentary or drink some gin. I will be having a Viognier from my recent visit to BC. It’s a beautiful evening, throw some Smokies on the grill and relax.
As always I leave you with,
