The notable carryovers from last year’s Black Panthers are Christian McCaffrey and their motto: “Keep pounding”—incidentally, tWBS’s mission statement regarding female service staff across North America.

/ pours out hand sanitizer for Seamus

// puts sanitizer in hand, deep inhale

Duly deluded about the NFL season starting in September, let’s talk Carolina fitbaw.

Last year the Panthers started 0-2 and Cam Newton injured his foot. Then second-year QB Kyle Allen came in and Carolina improved to 5-3. The Black Panthers finished the season  0-8, Allen was traded to Washington, and the rebuild started.

Hedge fund guy David Tepper bought the team in 2018 and became the NFL’s richest owner. After the 2019 season, Carolina’s journey to Square One was quick.

In 2020, Luke Kuechly retired. In the meantime, the Carolina Panthers got rid of everybody: Riverboat Ron, Cam Newton, Greg Olsen, Eric Reid… For good measure, Jerry Richardson joined Robert E. Lee and Christopher Colombus in the Removed Effigies Club.

Via @SteveReedAP

Tepper has a plan, which involves making “Carolina” a thing. Revisionist history and lip service tell us that all along the Panthers were a team that would represent both upper and lesser Carolinas, as their logo “was often said to resemble the silhouette of North and South Carolina”

I don’t see any resemblance to the map, but could concede that the logo’s neck was given the Mercator treatment.

This April, the Panthers bought 240 acres in Rock Hill, SC to build team headquarters, practice facilities, merch shops, Cinnabon stands, and other commercial infrastructure except a stadium (for now). The plan is for the team to continue playing games in Charlotte (an hour away driving, per baseless guesstimate), but move all other operations to Rock Hill for 2022. Of course, the plan involves hundreds of millions in federal and state money because why develop anything without dipping into the fisc. It’s a civic project dammit!

The Panthers new head coach is Matt Rhule, formerly of Baylor. Rhule was a hot coaching candidate for markedly improving college teams’ records after a couple of years. Per the Panthers site, in early January Rhule was vacationing in Mexico with his family and had an interview scheduled with the Jints. (Rhule had worked as an assistant there under Tom Coughlin in 2012). The same day Rhule returned from Mexico, Tepper interviewed the coach at his home and an agreement was struck. My guess is some Spanish words were used during the negotiation, thereby complying with the Rooney Rule.

Rhule’s contract is for seven years and $62 million. In relationship terms, that is a newly-adjudged divorcé walking out of the courthouse and impregnating someone in the parking lot. In NFL terms, this deal affords Rhule a three-year window to fire assistant coaches, then tension. The conclusion, Rhule eventually returns to college ball, after Tepper creates Jon Gruden / Bill Cowher buzz to leverage the Carolinas to fight each other for a new Black Panthers stadium.

The Carolina roster has a lack of depth unseen since the rise of Baby Yoda memes. Christian McCaffrey was signed to the biggest contract for a running back and is an obvious #1 pick for FF. (Reggie Bonnafon, Trenton Cannon, Mike Davis, and Jordan Scarlett complete Carolina’s RB Zoom meeting.) McCaffrey is also a photographer whose work has appeared in Vogue Magazine. Well, in a publication of the Vogue media empire.

vogue.in; don’t @ at me, pedants.

Teddy Bridgewater was signed as the presumed starting QB for 2020. The other QBs on the roster are Will Grier and P.J. Walker, so… Yeah. Bridgewater had a nice year in Naw’Lins in 2019, playing in 9 games (5 as a starter). I saw several of his games, and am still surprised he finished 2019 with 7.1 yards per pass attempt. Research on actual air yards traveled was deferred because I like Bridgewater a lot, but not as much as my lazy judgments.

The WRs on the roster include 17^th pick Omar Bayless (Arkansas State), DJ Moore, Curtis Samuel, and Robby Anderson. The rest of the WRs are fantasy non-entities: Brandon Zylstra, DeAndrew White, Seth Roberts, Kirk Kirkwood, Ishmael Hyman, and Pharoh Cooper.

At TE, the Panthers drafted Giovanni Ricci (85^th pick), and signed rookie FA Cam Sutton (Fresno State).  My phone failed to deliver any buzz as to either.

Another casualty of the house cleaning was kicker Graham Gano. Joey Slye was signed full time as the K, and has a legit football-player build (5’11”, 213 pounds).

The lone “name” signing by Carolina was Russell Okung, over whom the media foisted retirement (wrong!). I like Okung; he would keep the Black Panthers militant.

As to the defense, O-line, and the rest of special teams—look. Carolina is a team with a vet QB place holder that just started a rebuild. The new head coach is from college, as are his assistants. The new defensive coordinator is Phil Snow, Rhule’s DC at Baylor, and the new OC is Joe Brady, formerly of LSU, winner of the 2019 Broyles Award for top college assistant.

Before the pandemic, Carolina had Not-Tanking! buzz. Now, without preseason games and limited meetings and practices, it’s reasonable to allow the Panthers’ college brain trust to get two full years to be respectable. That is a reasonable aspiration. Assuming [looks longingly at paint thinner can], that the 2020 NFL season does happen.