The scene: The Wasteland of the post-apocalyptic future, where Brocky is hard at work, filling in dirt and rocks beneath the wheels of Doktor Zymm’s RV, which is stuck nose-first in the sand after it crashed into the desert. Brocky had previously spent some time digging PK out from under the wheels of the RV, and has been listening to the former DFO prospect as he relates what he knows of the current situation.

PK: …and then I fell off the flying thing and landed on the RV! Oh, and Otto fell off, too, poor guy! Did I tell you how he saved me from drowning at the monkey’s lake?

Brocky (digging): Yeah, twice. It was fascinating both times. Really.

PK: So then we became best buddies, and I’m kinda worried about him now.

Brocky (sweating): Otto’s resilient, he’ll be fine. I’m more worried about what happened to Rikki.

PK: And the Empress! Gee whiz, without me around to look out for her, she could be in real danger!

Brocky (digging some more): Yeah, sure. The psycho-clone is going to have problems because her pudgy sidekick is sitting around not helping me to get the RV going again.

PK: Gee, I’d really like to help, but my lumbago has been acting up.

Brocky (pushing large rocks under a wheel): Great, good to know you’re as useless now as you ever were. Look, could you at least hand me the hammer that’s leaning against the RV? I need to pound this rock into place.

There’s no answer from PK, so Brocky looks up. He sees PK running off into the desert, which would be odd, but it appears that he’s in pursuit of a perfectly round, pink-frosted doughnut that is rolling across the landscape. So it’s not really odd so much as totally in character.

Brocky (watching PK run off into the distance): Great. Thanks for the all the help, ya jerkwad. If I ever find you under an RV again, I’m gonna…

Brocky’s musings are cut short by the roaring sound of a big V12 engine. He looks over to see a purple monster truck heading his way, pursued by a giant spider.

Brocky: Huh.

As the truck gets closer, Brocky sees Beerguyrob behind the wheel, with Covalent Blonde riding shotgun. As the truck’s horn blares, Brocky springs into action. Grabbing the hammer he swings hard at the large rock under the RV tire, knocking it solidly into place.

Then he rushes into the RV, races upstairs, and grabs the very last doughnut out of the Diggler’s box.

Brocky (munching the doughnut): Whew! That was a close one…

Outside of the RV the monster truck slides to a halt, spraying up a yuuuge cloud of dirt and sand.

[MONSTER TRUCK DOORS FLY OPEN]

Beerguyrob: Into the RV, everyone! Let’s move!

The DFO and friends race for the RV as the giant spider bears down on the truck. WCS and Brick Meathook bolt inside, followed closely by Lemonjello and Covalent Blonde. Beerguyrob is right behind, then sees Mr. Ayo still in the back seat of the monster truck.

Beerguyrob (running back to the truck): What are you doing?!! Let’s go, buddy!

Mr. Ayo (searching the back seat): I dropped my bag of banana weed in here somewhere…

Beerguyrob grabs Mr. Ayo and pulls him out of the truck a split-second before the giant spider reaches it. As the pair race for the RV, a monstrous arachnid leg smashes down on the spot where they had been standing only seconds before. Another leg comes crashing down in front of them. Beerguyrob slides under it as Mr. Ayo uses his simian agility to leap over it, and they tumble into the RV.

Covalent Blonde (as she slams the RV door shut): Nice job, guys. Maybe you want to cut it closer next time?

Mr. Ayo (depressed): I lost my weed…

WCS (looking out through a window): I think CB’s about to lose more than that…

The DFOers gather near the RV’s window and watch as the angry giant spider smashes a foreleg down onto the monster truck, crushing the cab.

Covalent Blonde: Aw, crap…

Smashing the truck again and again, the giant spider finally sends the vehicle flying with an angry blow, sending the wreckage spinning and rolling across the Wasteland, Iguana Mart merchandise spilling out everywhere.

WCS: Well at least the truck hasn’t…

Outside, the truck finally comes to a stop a good half a kilometer from the RV. It stops spinning then, approximately one second later, explodes in a ball of flame.

WCS: Whoops. Never mind.

Brocky (walking downstairs): Hey, guys, what’s up?

Beerguyrob: Brocky! Hey, what happened to Rikki?

Brocky (shrugging): You got me. I was sleeping upstairs when the RV crashed. PK told me that psycho ex of Moose’s stole it. Then he ran off into the desert chasing a doughnut.

Brick Meathook (still kind of stoned): I could really go for a doughnut right about now! Do we have any in the RV?

Brocky (without a trace of guilt): Nope. Sorry, man. And when did you show up again, anyway?

Brick Meathook: Now that’s a bit of a story…

Mr. Ayo (looking through the window): Um, not to interrupt, but I don’t think the spider’s done with us yet…

Outside, the giant spider turns toward the RV with a menacing glare, then charges forward, mandibles clacking furiously.

Brocky: Shit, we’re all gonna end up like David Hedison at the end of The Fly, man.

WCS: RIGHT?!!

Cut to: Way, way in the past. Like, WAY, man. We’re talking going back a few hundred years to get to the present-day, early 21st-century and THEN going back another thousand years to get to Don T, Ballsofsteelandfury, Old School Zero and Cookiethulhu standing around with some potentially unpleasant Vikings in…

Don T: L’Anse aux Meadows!

OSZ (looking around): I don’t see a cove….

Don T: No, I think this is the location of one of the North American Viking settlements. L’Anse aux Meadows, on the isle of Newfoundland.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Glad to see all those hours of History Channel documentaries haven’t gone to waste. But now that we’ve taken in the sights and smelled the Vikings, can we get out of here?

Red-bearded Viking: Hva i helvete sier de?

The Blonde Viking, still checking out Don T’s snazzy shorts, shrugs in reply.

Ballsofsteelandfury (to OSZ): What the hell are they saying?

Old School Zero, looking at Future Clone Debbie Harry’s Tactically Advanced Time Accelerator System, shrugs in reply.

Cookiethulhu (to Don T): Look, if this is going to be a problem, I can just eat the Vikings…

Don T: What? No! Do not eat anyone! That could really mess with history. It might even stop one of us from being born!

Ballsofsteelandfury: I mean… Dude, I’m Mexican, you’re Puerto Rican and OSZ’s French. I think we’ll be okay.

OSZ (looking up): Who said I’m French?

Ballsofsteelandfury: I always just assumed…

Don T: Yeah, you do have that kind of French thing going on…

Flashback to: Several months ago, in the present-day DFO clubhouse. Don T, Ballsofsteelandfury and OSZ are gathered around the table in a no-holds-barred game of Risk.

Ballsofsteelandfury (rolling the dice): Kamchatka here I come!

OSZ (rolling the dice): Not so fast, buddy! I’ve got…nothing but 1’s?!! Agh! I give up!

Cut to: The distant past of meadows and Vikings again.

OSZ (messing with Future Clone Debie Harry’s T.A.T.A.S.): You guys are dicks.

Don T: And stop messing with that thing. We don’t need to get into any more trouble.

OSZ (trying to hand the T.A.T.A.S. to Don T): Mince! Look, if you think you can get this thing to work, you can just… Oh, hey, I think I might’ve pushed a button. There’s a little light blinking on it…

A wave of energy surrounds the DFOers. It glows brightly and the Vikings shield their eyes (some with actual shields). Then it fades in an instant and the DFOers are gone.

Narrator’s note: For the convenience of our readers, the Viking dialogue will be translated.

Red-bearded Viking (to the others): OK, we are not telling the Jarl about this. He’s still pissed about us burning down his hut.

One-eyed Viking: That wasn’t on us! His son is the one that found that wicked plant!

One-eared Viking (remembering): Damn, that was some good shit, man. We need him to get us some more of that.

One-eyed Viking (looking around for the Blonde Viking): Say, where is he, anyway?

Red-bearded Viking (also looking around): Aw, crap, if we’ve lost the Son of Spam, we’re never gonna hear the end of it…

To be continued…