The site’s been slower than Andy Reid reaching for a shot of cold-pressed kale juice but we’re making the best of it. Rest assured there are monkey-type creatures fiddling around inside your laptop or mobile as you read this. And don’t worry, your Mothra-centric insertion videos are just between you, me and the DMV.
TO THE GAMES!
Pats/Bills:
Looks like the league has caught up to Cam and Co. Them Pats have generated all of 28 points these last three weeks and issues at wr (outside of Edelman) and rb have manifested themselves again this year. There’s nary a playmaker on the entire roster and the time sure looks right for Buffalo to end that 7 game losing streak.
Titans/Bengals:
More of the same for Burrow? A little ‘gets thrown on his butt’ here and a little ‘makes a great play’ there. Cincy’s pass-blocking grades out as the worst in the league, save the Vikes. Some reason for hope though is that the Titans D is one of four that allows positive yardage on more than 50% of snaps.
Raiders/Browns:
Cleveland can’t defend the slot worth a damn so feel free to go with Ruggs (39%) or Agholor (31%). Something else that may sway you? Ruggs’ aDOT from the slot is 23.3. Really, just play everyone because the Browns D gives up the 2nd most fantasy points to wr’s.
Colts/Lions:
Is Detroit turning it around? They’re 3-1 in their last four and since Golladay returned they have the league’s most efficient passing game. The Colts D was being talked up here and elsewhere but the teams they shut down were the Jags, Vikes, Jets and the offenseless Bears. The last two weeks they’ve given up 32 and 27 respectively.
Vikes/Pack:
Maybe you don’t have the luxury of sitting Thielen but you should give it some thought because cb Jaire Alexander has given up a total of 54 yards since wk 1. If Minny gets blown out are the winds of head coach change going to blow?
Jets/Chiefs:
Worst vs. Best. Who ya got? I’ve got Mahomes sitting by halfway thru the 3rd with 300 yards and 4 TD’s in his mitts.
Rams/Fins:
Tua, Aaron. Aaron, Tua. May as well set the rookie on fire, uh, put his feet to the fire is what I meant. It’s a bit puzzling that he’s behind center given that Harvard was playing fine and they had won their last two. Fitz had an average of only 2.4 seconds to get rid of the ball due to pass-blocking woes and that number should decrease today.
Steelers/Ravens:
Game O’ Day? These two are the heaviest blitzers in the league so both qb’s should be under a bit of pressure. My money is on the one that doesn’t have mobility issues and it’s well known that there are holes in Pitt’s secondary.
Do your thing.
Cashier rounds down to the nearest dollar.
“Lets make a show about that”
-CBS producers
Williards coming to CBS this spring
“‘The Price Is Your Dignity’, Thursdays at 8, this fall!”.
Star Trek: Beyond: A decent movie that accidently killed the franchise.
“You might receive a call to your hotel room late at night offering a “massage”. To avoid being woken up it is worth unplugging your phone.”
“If you don’t unplug your phone, simply tell Yakov to ‘Fuck Off!'”
Mercury Morris looking at that champagne on ice.
We got a French press the other day because our espresso machine is on the fritz and we’re too lazy to repair it right now. Tried it out for the first time today – I had two cups of coffee around 11 AM, and I’m still twitching uncontrollably right now. Fuck me, is that ever strong stuff. Is this what smoking crack is like?
You know who else didn’t trust the French press? Pierre Trudeau.
/this kills in Canada, trust me
So do you.
The Cove 2: Skipper’s Revenge.
Drinking a peanut butter porter. It tastes like an alcoholic dark chocolate Reeses.
Halftime at Cincy. Now I get to see what the hell is going on in Miami.
Just saw the Dolphins stat line. Now I’m more confused.
Goff or other turned over 3 times in the Dolphins red zone
Cincy pass D making Tanneyhill look like Fanny Hill. 5/12?
Dolphin Fin Soup For Everyone!!!
Is it totally crazy to visit Minsk in February?
Well, at least the parades will be limited by the frigid weather.
Cincinnati killed a Titan to avoid a catch.
We’ve replaced Jared Goff’s hands with Folger’s Crystals. Let’s see if anyone notices!
Jared just waiting for the Nothing now. Just like me starting the Rams D against the dolphins tanks to the Rams O
It seems impossible to be as bad as the Jets.
Stick around for the Cowboys game tonight.
Dallas’ injury report would wipe the floor with the Jets. Like, right now, while they’re still on it.
Prescott hobbles for 42 yards and 2 TDs.
On crutches.
The Bengals run defense begs to differ.
Which team do you think has the most week 1 starters still standing?
Redshirt gonna have to give up the ‘woe is me, Cincy fan’ routine if this keeps up.
Just you wait. There’s 2 halves in a football game
Wait, what?
-Atlanta Falcons
Are you sure? I’ve done the math and there’s 3 in a half.”*
*is notoriously bad at math
Cincinnati teams will either deliver disappointment or delay it. Either way, its coming.
[throws money around seeing that Mahomes got his third]
-Sharkbait
Oops. I started the Tigans D thinking it was a shoe-in. Go figure my team decides to play well this week.
Those 3rd string linemen are the spark the Bengals needed
When you think about it, they couldn’t possibly be worse than the starters.
“THE REFS THROW OUT JUDON! ANTISEMITES!” – S.B.
Terry Bradshaw’s family needs to start thinking about nursing homes.
This week on the radio I learned you should always ask about the facility’s emergency plan when considering homes.
An NFL themed long term care facility. The players could ramble on their stories while fans living there hang on their every word.
I wonder if Fox could provide a place where a senile old white man could ramble on endlessly and have idiots hang on every single word.
Achtung!! Judon!!!
Buff qb Allen reverting to the Before Times with the stupid pick.
It’s a rainy, cold day here in CT, perfect for sitting on my ass all day with the TV on. This morning was nice, however, so I got the dog out for his walk, which is 3-4 miles through the woods. On a not totally unrelated night, yesterday I took down a white-faced hornets nest that had been abandoned after the recent cold weather, (it had been there all summer; I left them alone after reading that the workers all die when it gets cold and the queen flies off), then brought it inside intending to cut it open and get a look at the inner workings of the nest. had to let it sit because the top was soaked and would have just fallen apart with any pressure.
Back to the walk, where my wife first calls me because she hears ambulances racing down our road towards the woods, and in concerned I’ve been eaten by the coyotes we heard last night. No such luck, just a kid who’d cut himself with a chainsaw, (OK, just needs stitches). Five minutes later I get a text. Thinking she’s worried about more coyotes I look at it and see “A white-faced hornet just chased me around the kitchen. I got him outside and the nest too. It sounded like an airplane in our kitchen.”
Turns out the queen was still alive and in the nest, maybe going dormant, maybe just depressed because all the other hornets were dead, and came out to see why it was so much warmer all of a sudden.
It’s been a day, people.
White faced hornets are assholes. Shouldve just burned it.
Excellent foreshadowing!
Sharkbait Parlay:
Mahomes over 2.5 TD [X]
Henry over 99.5 Yards [ ]
Ayiuk to score [ ]
I think I speak for everyone when I say, “WTF, KC, let’s go!”.
So does Minnesota get a massive cap hit when they inevitable cut Cousins, because I’m ready for that double dose of schadenfreude. Maybe Case will come back for Cousins money.
Howdy, folks. I think I am close to finishing this pile of marking. It’s taken weeks, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
For the Patriots, however, I am not nearly as optimistic.
Just give everyone a B- and anyone who complains can have an A
Are….are the Dolphins actually good?
Probably not, but they ARE fun, which is also fine.
It would seem so. I am as shocked as you.
That Allen sprintout to Diggs on the sideline is pretty much indefensible.
As a Patriots fan: Fuck
As a Diggs owner: MOAR!
Methinks the Top 5 pick will be helpful, too.
Sam Ficken’s Non-Union Mexican Equivalent might be stealing Murrikan jerbs
A lot of soap is made abroad, which is why Trumpkins are against Antiba (cterial soap)
Jared Goth feeling that halloween hangover
It’s only a one score game but Pitt hasn’t been over the 50 yard line yet.
Finally facing a coach/defense that has noticed The Ben’s arm strength HARF.
Jobs Not Mo…uh-oh, too late.
Look At You, Fins!!!
Oh glorious Rams derp. Gimme that McVay face
Tua Time Baby
come on BIG BEN throw it to Diontae Johnson!!!
do it!
Davante having himself a day. A good day.
He is a beast
Future indie wrestler Nyheim Hines
What would his persona be?
Like most indie people who can do flips, his persona would be something run through a boring name generator, and his back story would be “guy who can do flips”
LOL
Ravens lineman’s ankle went in a bad Dak-ish direction.
Dammit, don’t show that again.
I was told Browns/Raiders would be a scorekakke affair…
Shouldve taken the under.
/May have a problem
The only problem you have is these teams not bending to your will.
noo
Goffception.
Sounds like y’all need some troubleshooting done on the backend
Like, more squats?
Is this Kirk Odenbob?
Kicking is hard y’all
DOINK!
You were not kidding about that wind.
J’inxedlor
Autocorrect wants to keep changing Mahomes to Mahomet, which seems about right with the way he is taking down jets.
Outstanding.
Lamar showing the ball security of a young Danny Dimes.
This Jets Game will be Mahomes Spring Break Forever.