Request Line: Christmas-Adjacent

INT. CRAMPED OFFICE CUBICLE – DAY

MICHAEL VICK sits uncomfortably in front of a desktop computer.  He is peering closely at the screen.  Pan over to show the image that he’s looking at.

MICHAEL VICK: Aw, she’s all tuckered out.  Wait…Computer, pan up.

DJ 3000: I HAVE A NAME, YOU KNOW.

MICHAEL VICK: Shut up, man, just pan up.

DJ 3000: [sighs]

There is a clicking noise as DJ 3000 complies.

MICHAEL VICK: Now pan left…

MICHAEL VICK: Okay, zoom in on Quadrant 2.

MICHAEL VICK: Zoom in again.  Now recenter…

MICHAEL VICK: And…enhance.

MICHAEL VICK: [claps hands] Oh yeah, this woman knows how to party.  Can you do a reverse lookup on her twitter and instagram and slide me into those DM’s?

DJ 3000: THESE TASKS ARE NOT AMONG THE PROTOCOLS I WAS DESIGNED FOR.

MICHAEL VICK: Just be cool, man.  My break only lasts ten minutes, I gotta wrap this up.

As MICHAEL VICK finishes speaking the screen begins flashing yellow and red, and an image of a sleazy Hollywood producer shows up on the screen.

DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS: Michael, baby, what’s happening?

MICHAEL VICK: Hello, Mr. Morris.

DTZM: I’m looking at my employee productivity monitor and it says that you’ve been idle for over forty seconds past your allotted break time.

MICHAEL VICK: I know, sir, I was just getting back to work.

DTZM: Great, great.  We’ll just make up that time at the end of your shift, okay?

MICHAEL VICK: But it’s Christmas Eve, sir!

DTZM: Michael, you know you’re not permitted to mention the existence of non-secular holidays here in Hollywood.  How are the updates to WordPress coming?

MICHAEL VICK: Pretty well, sir.  I’m not sure I understand how alienating a very large portion of your original consumer base is going to help with monetization of the…

DTZM: NO ONE ASKED FOR YOUR OPINION ON BUSINESS MATTERS, MICHAEL.  You can regurgitate the latest nonsense from [sneeringly] Gizmodo on your own time.  That’s not what we’re paying you for.

MICHAEL VICK: Speaking of which, my last paycheck…

DTZM: It’s called a “stipend”, Michael, again, you know this.  As does the I.R.S., if they should happen to be listening  Or those dickh…uh, Dicks, Toms, and Harrys over at the S.E.C. You’re our intern, and what we’re paying you is an expenses-based stipend.

MICHAEL VICK: Right, and I sent over my last “expense report” over two weeks ago and you haven’t…

DTZM: Don’t sweat it, it’s just a cash flow issue.  We’ll have it cleared up by tomorrow.  Two days, at most.  New Years Eve, absolute tops.

MICHAEL VICK: But…

DTZM: Anyhow, I’m going to need you to put together some Chris…uh…holiday-themed content for tonight.

MICHAEL VICK: [sighs]  Fine.  How about something to do with cocktails?

DTZM: Senor Weaselo’s already got that covered. Stay in your lane.

MICHAEL VICK: Oh!  How about this?  I’ve got an idea for a script, I could post a synopsis of it.

DTZM: Maybe.  Give me the elevator pitch.

MICHAEL VICK: Okay, so Pete Carroll is a single dad with a button-nosed daughter.  His wife died tragically during the holiday season five years ago…

DTZM: A widower.  Nice.  Go on…

MICHAEL VICK: …and he hasn’t done any dating since then.  Instead, he’s gotten himself neck-deep in a swamp of conspiracy theories about the true “reason for the season” as it’s often referred to.  But one afternoon while Pete is tailing a guy who he thinks is a Deep State operative but is actually just a mall Santa, he runs into Violette.  Like, literally.

DTZM: The meet-cute.  That works.  Who did you have in mind to play Violette?

MICHAEL VICK: Shannon Luccio.

DTZM: [raises eyebrows, shakes head] Too ethnic.  How about Candice King?

MICHAEL VICK: The blonde from the Vampire Diaries?

DTZM: Yeah, she hasn’t been too busy.

MICHAEL VICK: But wasn’t her character a high school kid?  And you’re going to drop her right into her mid-thirties?

DTZM: Worked for Leighton Meester.

MICHAEL VICK: Good point.  Okay, so Pete and Violet fumble towards a relationship, but his obsession with the Christmas conspiracy starts driving a wedge in between them.  And then things are on rom-com autopilot from there.

DTZM: Huh.  Not bad, not bad.  Maybe let’s not post this publicly, though.

MICHAEL VICK: I mean it’s just a concept, it’s not like anybody is going to steal…wait.  What’s that sound?  Are those papers rustling?  Are you…are you writing this down?

DTZM: What?  No, don’t be silly.  I have to admit, Michael, though, this sounds awfully similar to a script idea I had just a few days ago.  I was just pulling up my notes to compare it with them.  And I’ve got to be honest, Michael, it sounds a bit like you’re getting uncomfortably close to my idea.  So you’ll probably have to get out of the way of the Z-train on this one.  No hard feelings, right?

MICHAEL VICK: But…

DTZM: Oh, and did you have any kind of a title in mind? I’ll tell you mine too, but you go first.

MICHAEL VICK: It’s called “Steel Beams Can’t Melt Over an Open Fire.”

DTZM: Huh.  That’s pretty good.  Hey, tell you what.  If you’re willing to let me run with that and this turns into something, I’ll make sure your name finds its way into the end credits.

MICHAEL VICK: As a writer?

DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS laughs hard enough that the audio on the stream starts clipping.

DTZM: Oh, Michael, you sure do put the “comedy” in “rom-com”.  All right, all right, great chat.  I’ll be in the Lesser Antilles for the next week, so hold down the fort while I’m gone.  And don’t forget, content for tonight!

DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS disappears as he ends the video call. 

MICHAEL VICK: [sighs]

DJ 3000: WOW. DO YOU MIND IF I MAKE A SUGGESTION?

MICHAEL VICK: Cut a deal to testify against Mr. Morris in the upcoming tax fraud proceedings?  Way ahead of you, buddy.

DJ 3000: ACTUALLY…THAT’S NOT WHERE I WAS GOING WITH THIS, BUT THAT’S A VERY GOOD IDEA, YES.  I’VE SCANNED DFO’S SYSTEMS AND HE’S MADE IT LOOK LIKE YOU WERE RESPONSIBLE FOR PROCESSING A LOT OF, UM, QUESTIONABLE TRANSACTIONS.  ALSO, HE’S DOWNLOADING THE CONTENT OF YOUR “SCRIPT IDEAS” FOLDER AS WE SPEAK.  BUT I WAS TALKING ABOUT FOR TONIGHT – HOW ABOUT A SURPRISE EPISODE OF REQUEST LINE?

MICHAEL VICK: Sure, why not.  I’m sick of Christmas music, though.

DJ 3000: HOW ABOUT CHRISTMAS-ADJACENT MUSIC, THEN?

MICHAEL VICK: How’s that work?

DJ 3000: SONGS THAT ARE ABOUT CHRISTMAS-TYPE STUFF, BUT AREN’T ACTUALLY CHRISTMAS SONGS.

MICHAEL VICK: Hmm.  Sounds interesting.  Got an example?

DJ 3000: I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK.

Today’s theme is: Christmas-Adjacent Music.  We’re looking for songs that reference Christmas-type subjects (joy, bells, silent nights, wise men) but aren’t actually Christmas songs.  Post links as “https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRumm3rB0i” (see if you can guess the puzzle song!) and they should embed in the comments after you refresh.  Make sure to mention the connection, if it’s not obvious!