The Scotties Tournament of Hearts

The 2021 Canadian women’s curling championship is here. The Scotties tournament of hearts. Formerly the Scott tournament of hearts. Previously the MacDonald Tobacco Company Lassie tournament (of damaged hearts who are way more fun than your teetotaling friends, Gordon. Lighten up and have a dart, eh?)

The Canadian championships – Scotties and Brier – are a bit strange because in true Canadian fashion they (at least recently) insist on having a representative from all the provinces and territories, regardless of the quality of the entrant. Curling Canada is basically a group of third grade teachers discussing how to keep the athletically pathetic kids engaged in PE class.

That means the curling powerhouses like Manitoba, Ontario, and Alberta go up against weaklings like PEI and Nunavut (population 50,000) despite the fact the latter teams have zero chance of winning the tournament. You’ve also got your middleweights like BC and Quebec with larger populations but lacking the curling culture. They might bring a team with a chance of winning every 15 years or so but really aren’t in the mix. That’s why there are five Manitoba rinks in the Scotties this year – team Canada (winners last year) plus team Manitoba and all three wild card teams.

Keep that in mind if you’re playing the Scotties pick em pool, found here:

https://www.officepools.com/fantasy-curling

If you’re more interested in the icy hot ladies throwing the rocks, here are the teams and their members in photograph form:

Teams

Sweet Jesus just imagine those cold, clammy butts after a strenuous ten-ender. But I digress.

Personally, while my favourite lady curler Shannon Birchard

is the second on team Canada and perennial Hearts contender and hot diner waitress Jennifer Jones (kissing the giant Scotties phallus above) is trying for a record seventh Scotties title with a strong team Manitoba, I think Ontario is the rink to back this year. With Emma Miskew looking good as always and the steely gazed Rachel Homan skipping, they have the talent and pedigree and I think a chip on their collective shoulders that will drive them to another turlet paper trophy.

As a wild card choice I’d go with the literal wild card team #2 and their stunning and talented third Karlee Burgess. She’s not only a fine curler she also looks like the evil Bond girl. The one for whom you’d be willing to be vivisected by laser. Watch her in action, you’ll see it.

Wild card doesn’t mean a lesser team here, especially since they’ve added a couple more due to lack of competitive gameplay to determine provincial winners. Third place in Manitoba is better than most of the teams in the tournament. These gals can play and should be a force if they can get in sync.

In summary: talented and attractive lady athletes. Chilled and sweaty flesh. Screaming “hard” and “yes” a lot. Not following those screams with a disappointed sigh. No commissioner or owners. What’s not to like?

Hope you get a chance to watch. Curling is a great game of skill, strategy, angles and other physics shit, always held in a venue with a well-stocked bar. If you have a curling club in your area you would do yourself a favour by getting down there and playing. It’s like softball without the dickheads and with beer on the playing surface.
And while I’m no expert, if you have any curling questions I’d be happy to answer them. 

A post script? You want to know my dream rink of lady curlers? At this hour? My stars, this is highly unorthodox but if I must:

Francine Smith being spanked

Pregnant Serena Williams

Marissa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny yelling at me in that accent while she throws my belongings on the lawn

and Scarlett Johansson anytime doing anything for as long as she wants. Which definitely includes spitting in my face.

A fifth in case of injury? Sofia Vergara, silent, in skin-tight leopard print. Come to think of it, they’re all in skin-tight leopard print. It is the team uniform after all.

Enjoy the Scotties!