Sad songs don’t usually dominate the airwaves during Request Line. However, when the week’s topic is “The Cleveland Browns,” how could we possibly expect that the subsequent results would include anything else?
Outside of their faithful fanbase, the dominant emotion most football fans – including those within their own division – feel for the Browns is “pity”. The franchise has suffered some of the most disappointing and humiliating losses in the history of the NFL. The Browns have been victim to both tragic misfortune and relentless self-sabotage over their history, and I’ve listed some of the key events below. Your job is to choose songs to represent these. It’s by no means an exhaustive list; if you have another incident you think belongs on this mixtape, please add it (along with your song suggestion, if you’ve got one). It’s probably best to think of this as an offseason version of Quotables, where quality matters much more than quantity and the liberal use of the +1 button is encouraged. Feel free to keep adding over the weekend and into early next week.
- 1950: The Browns join the National Football League and win the championship during their inaugural season.
- 1961: Art Modell takes over ownership of the Browns.
- 1966: Running back Jim Brown retires from his dominance of the NFL to focus on his acting career, and the Browns’ championship drought begins.
- 1969: The horribly polluted Cuyahoga River catches fire.
- 1980: Brian Sipe of “Kardiac Kids” fame throws a late game interception while in field goal range in a play memorialized as “Red Right 88”.
- 1986: The Drive
- 1987: The Fumble
- 1995: The Browns (personnel including players) move to Baltimore and become the Ravens franchise, which wins a Super Bowl in five years.
- 1999: The dormant Browns franchise resumes play as an expansion team. Later that year Orlando Brown suffers an eye injury when struck by a penalty flag and assaults the offending official.
- 2001: Bottlegate.
- 2002: In the season opener against the Chiefs, Dwayne Rudd takes off and hurls his helmet before the final whistle, leading to a penalty that costs the Browns a victory.
- 2002: In what will be their only playoff appearance in a 20-year span, the Browns blow a 24-7 second-half lead to their divisional rival the Pittsburgh Steelers.
- 2007: With a win guaranteeing a playoff berth, Derek Anderson throws five interceptions in a 19-14 loss to the Bengals during Week 16. The Browns subsequently miss the playoffs.
- 2012: The Browns use their first round pick to draft 28 year-old quarterback Brandon Weeden. A few months later Jimmy Haslan purchases the Browns.
- 2014: Upon the advice of a homeless derelict, the Browns use the 22nd pick in the draft to select Johnny “Football” Manziel.
- 2017: After a near miss the previous year, Hue Jackson completes an 0-16 “imperfect season”.
- 2018: The Browns use the first overall pick in the draft to select Baker Mayfield, and the infamous Tim Couch et al. jersey is replaced.
- 2020: Swagger the dog passes away at age 6.
- 2021: Baker Mayfield leads the Browns to their first postseason appearance in almost 20 years and their first playoff win since 1994.
Swagger was kind enough to host an edition of Request Line where you might find some inspiration, if you need it. Next Friday, I’ll compile the mixtape into a single track for us to enjoy, and I’ll announce the topic that we’ll be requesting songs for on the following Friday. I’ll get us started with the overture “Burn On” by Randy Newman, which most of you will remember as the music for the opening titles of Major League.
For Johnny Manziel:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCkmIyC6v00
For Management being quick to pull the trigger on anyone BUT Hue “I also have video” Jackson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3eC35LoF4U
For Art Modell.
https://vimeo.com/143246060
For Dawg Pond holdouts.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dbnm-0r3suM
JOHNNY MANZIEL!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbT8llf2-YY
Dude.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cb1cc4744Lc
Kinda feelin’ this one.
For the fans
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ojULkWEUsPs
Big Benjamin’s 24-2 or whatever record it is again them.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63Agrr2qC78
2007: With a win guaranteeing a playoff berth, Derek Anderson throws five interceptions in a 19-14 loss to the Bengals during Week 16.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AaafMpqXXBs
Baker takes the Browns to the playoffs.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNbBDrceCy8
First song that came to mind for Bottlegate.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7BwlPzY8ak
How a #ThePauls supporter feels every Sunday:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCLzWwRGpcw
“The Browns are ridin high and headin to the Super Bowl!!!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exnHAdopRxA
In honour of the Josh Gordon years
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WeYsTmIzjkw
A penchant for snatching defeat from the jaws of victory?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5rRZdiu1UE
And another pair: GM/Coaching staff and players that learned that they’ve been traded to Cleveland 😀
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_bJVVpSi7k
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FjV8SHjHvHk
Somehow this feels kinda apt for the “Same old Browns” and the “NuBrowns” (in the seconds of actual happiness after they beat Cap’n Fat Fuck (LEADER OF MEEEEEEEEN)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUEYvE3gnZQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiRqNf1BKNQ
Not exactly what we’re looking for, but worth mentioning.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6DbYQu-UNs
Double shot for the query “Will #ThePauls EVAR make the Owl?”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9_TMj8GB6s
When #ThePauls play footsie with hope…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Qz0m5IYh10
The franchise leaves, but then there’s a new franchise?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eswQl-hcvU0
Every Browns Fan to Art Modell:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=th4Czv1j3F8
What do Browns fans think of Modell?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfcq47vzCpE
An easy pick, but necessary:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgSPaXgAdzE
and I have to double shot it…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkNa5xzOe5U
The tone of this one is pretty ideal for a Cleveland mixtape.
Beck was as made FOAR this moment as Johnny FITBAW!!
Fits extremely well for Hue.
I mean, the lyrics even include “a Bozo nightmare”
Every NFL player on leaving the Browns:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJktf4aTNvk
Every. Draft.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sS_eHdqcrM8
Oh, that’s good stuff.
Another potential “Baltimore wins the Super Bowl” lament.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEnCxGh8kBg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2Oe5YKhzCE
The GM, after getting draft advice from a hobo…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=74dvJVwGA6Y
Damn, good one.
The Cleveland Browns usual season:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClnN_s2VGV0
At every draft where the Browns want a QB:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWcASV2sey0
Browns never reaching their destination of a Superb Owl?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9vST6hVRj2A
The Drive:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nK8HWMrAEUg
…and another DOUBLE SHOT regarding the river.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUsYgRa2mHk
More river music, mainly because this kicks ass
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t4fDCwDiWJQ
Brandon Weeden:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rAtDrFdomN4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qahZ-whM6o
I can’t find the collection of lowlights from the winless season that used this song (which is a bummer because it’s so goddamned funny), but given the current status of the team (i.e. full of hope) I may close things out with this classic.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rj_V0hk9CbA
Maybe Orlando Brown will be comforted by a pretty Ron Sexsmith song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgO-EhT02RM
Seeing some of the old players win a Super Bowl in Baltimore.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qe32FjJYLzg
You go get that girl, Alex P. Keaton
Oh, that’s right, it’s even got the Ohio connection!
Poor old Johnny set himself on fire again.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJcPJKDQaVc
Let’s DOUBLE SHOT this with Derek Anderson’s big night
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wf2e1dp7-qs
Hue Jackson, achieving perfection
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5BRSTJeHwEk
LOL
Did they, like, change the way the entire periodic table is laid out and I just wasn’t informed?
h/t:
https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the-periodic-table-of-coronavirus-elements-of-a-year-well-never-forget
The homeless person who advised Haslam to draft Manziel:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0jMPI_pUec
Figure there should be some good songs about an ex-girlfriend having moved on that would work for the “move” to Baltimore.
Ask and you shall receive:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABXtWqmArUU
Oh and this one:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJtL8vWNZ4o
Eventually they came back
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LPRrHyXchEY
This was such a great album.
Yeah, it really was.
Stole my idea, because #ThePauls obvs
Hey Earnest Byner!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtUVQei3nX4
Tim Couch traveling to all 31 other NFL teams looking for work after being let go by the Browns who wasted a 1st round pick on him:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDt5blm9Ej0
Red Right 88
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=axkyYrismAw
In memory of Charles White and Don Rogers:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7eD2PFBhlE
Sipe’s favorite song (appropriate that it’s a theme for a show with “Blinders”)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrxePKps87k
Brady Quinn is drafted in 1st round:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K13hH0pJx5s
Oh, nice. Let’s make this a DOUBLE SHOT with the Orlando Brown incident:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xi3GzpHNkdQ
Something to try to calm one down after a loss
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4F9DxYhqmKw
Dwayne Rudd:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auzfTPp4moA
Another option:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wix1ofbArYc
Jim Brown retirement:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=5Zt2oGyef3I
Another option, though the music isn’t very “Cleveland”
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gemNU9mTsig