Welcome back to The Jalen Ramsey Show. We’re here today to talk about your life and your money. Open lines at 818-338-0011. The call is free and some say the advice is exactly what you pay for it! We start today out in Glendale, Arizona on line one with Kliff. Welcome to The Jalen Ramsey Show, Kliff.

Hello Jalen and thank you taking my call. How are you doing today?

Better than the Jaguars under Tom Coughlin. How can I help?

Hey man, not trying to start anything here but don’t you think it’s time to update your advice?

Update how, specifically?

I mean, meme stocks, Jalen. Wall Street Bets. Buyin’ the dip. Fuck the 10 year yield. Dogecoin. I’m just saying, you’ve got some three-yards-and-a-cloud-of-dust style financial advice and, while some folks might feel like playing your prevent financial management scheme is a fair balance of risk and reward, I gotta say that it seems like Jalen’s advice in 2021 is as useful as buying up savings bonds in 2020.

Specifically. How specifically would you update my advice?

Look, you gotta leverage debt. It’s the world we’re in.

No you don’t.

Sure you don’t but there’s basically no risk to it. Week in and week out I hear you pushing people to pay off their homes but that’s about some of the cheapest money they’ll ever borrow and it only makes sense to put it to work for them earning them a spread.

Why stop there? Why not take out second and third mortgages on your home to buy Gamestop?

Yeah yeah yeah, I get it. If it were such a good idea to borrow to invest, why not do it to the extreme? You’re just not seeing what we are investing in now though. The information that is available to day traders has completely revolutionized investing. Never before has the world seen companies like Apple and Amazon — just absolute sure things with unstoppable momentum. I mean, why diversify your portfolio when the answers are right in front of you? When the track record of success is right in front of you.

Lehman Brothers had a track record of success.

No but you’re not seeing my point. You see people who have invested their whole lives saying, “Man, I wish I would have bought Amazon at $20 a share.” Now we’re watching everything go up and you’re over here talking about mutual funds.

Mutual funds may hold Amazon.

You don’t get it. Your way has been figured out.

You don’t get it, Kliff. Figured out to what detriment? Do mortgage companies know I advocate early payoffs of mortgages and now they’re adding early payoff penalties? No! I asked for specifics and you continue to drone on. Why don’t you explain to me how you’d do it. I don’t show up and tell you the Cardinals didn’t make the playoffs for the second season under your leadership because Kyler Murray sat most of the last game. But I will tell you that, if I were you, I wouldn’t call so many first down RPOs that complete a pass behind the line of scrimmage. I’d also tell you that your poor third down conversation rate, at least from my film study, stems from your third down passes all being called to just reach the sticks and convert. But this makes you more predictable and easier to defense, including to jump third down routes for interceptions. Meanwhile, I would point out, the underlying performance of your offense depends on the health and individual performance of a very talented Kyler Murray and as he naturally ages out — or, worse yet, signs a franchise-crippling veteran contract — you’ve fundamentally changes the offensive system. In which case, is it a system or are you just coaching Kyler Murray?

Those aren’t the same though. I am running an offensive system that has to be adjusted for different games. You’re not allowing people to manage their money firsthand enough.

What’s to manage after you’ve made the right call? i mean, a mutual fund is the right call. It has some Amazon stock in it. If it doesn’t perform for a couple quarters or a year or whatever, we look at why and we swap it out. No different than the changes that happen on a roster. But I’ll tell you what, you might be right.

Well, I think that there’s something to be said for, you know, doing your own research.

Oh yeah! And we all know and trust very strongly that, “do your own research” would never just be a euphemism for “go find a narrative, true or false, that you like.” I mean, look at the guys who said to put it all in Pets.Com in the ’90s — you clearly aren’t one of them. Look at the guys who said to hold Lehman Brothers because they had a record of success — you clearly aren’t one of those guys.

I’m not though. I’m talking about how technology, for example, has leveled the playing field the way NextGen Stats has changes personnel in the NFL.

Oh shit! RobinHood is like NextGen Stats sponsored by AWS?! Can you see how GME was exploding at an unstoppable rate until someone broke the rules and the app stopped trades? I mean, was the expected? How about the resuscitation of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau? Obviously you know if banks are worth holding now because Wells Fargo NEVER would have tried their old criminal stunts under the Trump administration, right?

Well, it’s a fluid situation and one needs to be actively managing their portfolio —

Yeah no shit. Look, there’s always something happening. There’s an energy contract or a border wall or every store in the nation needing plexiglass all of a sudden. But the price of diversification is the insurance that Biden eliminating the border and promising free health care to all illegals at the expense of white Americans is that your diversified portfolio doesn’t have to wait on you to lurch from border wall construction stock to pharmaceutical holdings. NextGen Stats don’t tell you shit; Senate classified hearings do. If you can get your insider info out of there, then go day trade on it. Once you’ve read some tidbit on Yahoo!Finance, you’re already late.

Like the throw the ball to where the receiver is going to be.

He’s gonna be cutting to the line at the sticks because it’s third down, Kliff. But, like I always say, you do what you want. But I remember when a union job was a sure thing path to the middle class. And I remember in 2004 real estate was never going to slow again. And then stocks were never going to slow again. And then Carrier was never going to send those jobs to Mexico. But here we are, the world still as unpredictable as ever, to me anyways, so I’ll stick with my conservative debt-resistant approach. But maybe that’s because I spend too much time studying what gives me the most success and opportunity to win at this thing called finances while some people — you decide if this fits the bill for you — are more concerned with style over results. 

Taking it over to line two now we are in Houston, Texas with Deshaun. Deshaun, welcome to the show.

So….ummm….

Short on time after dealing with Kliff there. Need you to get to your question.

Look man, there is a uhhh…..I think I might have picked a fight I shouldn’t have picked, man. And you know, really Jalen, it’s kind of your fault. Remember the last time you gave advice to a Houston athlete? Well I took it to heart. I played hardball in my contract negotiations and now I’m….looking pretty fucked, to be honest, Jalen.

Well I’m sure you can’t be doing any worse than the Jaguars under Tom Coughlin. So what’s the situation?

Basically, I went after the bull and I got the horns. Told ownership I wanted out of town. Was pretty vocal about trashing the organization. Figured I’d get shipped out on a Belichik fleecing or something. Instead, some lawyer buddy of ownership has brought forth over a dozen women accusing me of sexually assaulting massage therapists. Now I’m looking at my good name being smeared, being blackballed from the league, and my sponsorship deal with Dannon? Oh yeah, you can forget about that Activia!

Oh that’s bad. That’s Jaguars under Tom Coughlin kind of bad. Well, did you….did you do it?

I mean, Jalen, come on. You know how it is with these chicks. It’s all consensual until they’re done and then it’s assault. I mean, dicks get brushed during massages. It’s erotic. It’s delightful. And a lot of women like it.

Wait wait wait….are these actual massage therapists or are these some Orchids of Asia slaves operating under the guise of masseuses so Bob Kraft can get a $30 slave handy each time he visits the UPS Store near Mar A Lago?

See that’s it! These are all real professionals! And I found real massage therapists on Instagram to set up my services because i was NOT looking for sex. See? If I were looking for sex, wouldn’t I have found these women on, I don’t know, like payforsex.com?! They’re trying to make me out to be Bill Cosby but, nah Jalen, I’m a playboy, you know? Party Time. Excellent. Wee-ooh, wee-ooh, wee-ooh.

So you crossed the team owner and, as expected, they’re bringing the full vindictive weight of their power to leverage a false sexual predator narrative — and they have found over a dozen masseuses to serve as accomplices to this scheme? I mean — it’s either a terribly expensive and immoral set up or you’re like the lamest sexual predator I’ve ever heard of. I mean, just whipping it our during a massage? That’s really how you shoot your shot?

Dude, remember 76ers GM, Bryan Colangelo, rocking a fake Twitter account to burn his own players and staff? It’s 2021, Jalen. You don’t think the same McNair family that sees black players having a voice at league meetings as “the inmates running the prison” would be above putting together a list of anonymous sexual assault allegations against a business adversary — which is what I am now, Jalen?

You aren’t wrong on that. So what kind of evidence are they presenting? Like a blue dress kind of thing?

Oh some out of context Instagram messages. Bunch of false flag stuff, Jalen. I mean, the fuck is the big deal if I make a woman uncomfortable. I’m an athletic black man. I can’t walk through the grocery store in Houston without making some old white oil barron’s wife uncomfortable. I can’t control how these people are. Is it a crime to be flirtatious? I mean, that’s the other thing Jalen — no criminal charges here. Just a bunch of shit that makes me sound like a creep. 

Yeah man, you’re in a pickle.

Tickle my pickle? Wait! No! See — it just like comes out! I didn’t mean anything there. I just…I like getting laid. Who doesn’t like getting laid?

Look, your problem is that you’re looking for a new place to play football and, for now, you’re well stuck in Houston, effectively a prisoner of the team owners who are willing to destroy their quarterback’s reputation enough that you can’t be moved but not so badly that you cannot play for Texans. Which, while I wonder if it’s the wisest financial move, these people are racists and have fuck-you money so logic can just take a seat over there. From your PR standpoint, let’s be real here. You’re young, rich, good looking. Consider what it would mean to the average poor slob NFL fan if they discovered that, when a young woman is presented with your nude and aroused being, the truth is that she doesn’t want to give you a handjob, even for cash. The male NFL audience watches on Sunday because they want to be you. Or, at least, they think they want to be you. But who is really gonna tune in to see some cuck play ball when all they can think about is how you, like them, cannot snap your fingers and have any woman you want?

I see. So you’re saying that, the same way so many men have elected to celebrate predators because of their fearlessness in committing rape and other sexual assaults, I almost have a baked-in base of support who will take my side simply because I am being accused of behavior they wish they had the guts to enjoy themselves?

Yes! In the very same way Pennsylvanian men love Ben Roethlisberger!

So what do I do Jalen?

The same answer as everything. Put your head down and practice. This shit is going to blow over because that’s what shit does. It’s probably going to cost you some money either way — that’s your stupid tax for using massage therapists advertising on Instagram. I mean, the most damning evidence I hear against you is that you’re a world class athlete who needs professional services on your million-dollar body and you’re just picking randos off of Instagram? Your groin is all fucked up and you’re just like, “Hey! Saw you finished a mail-order massage program. Want to take a stab at my damaged muscles late in the season?” Like, dude, even if she was going to offer you consensual oral sex why are you allowing her to work on your body?

It’s just a relaxation massage, Jalen. I still have the trainers work me out for performance and stuff. I mean, it’s just civil lawsuits. You can sue over literally anything! You saw the bullshit people like the McNairs pulled after the election, suing all over the country knowing that they had no merits but just using these suits as cudgels to set the stage for a violent insurrection and a nationwide push for Jim Crow era voter suppression. And they never did right by Kaep either.

Well, in these cases the crime is never the crime — it’s getting caught that is the infraction. So what, you have some he said she said accusations?

And one of them we have a documented history of attempted extortion.

What about the other 15?

Jane Does, man. Who even knows if these people exist? Could be a 300 lbs Chinese guy in his basement.

I don’t know man. I hope you did rub your dick against all these women because you’re going to be punished as such. You put yourself in these situations and, you know, that’s the game these lawyers play. And you should have known better. You fucked up by not being a professional. I don’t know what’s going to happen here man — it’s pretty wild that Ray Lewis killed a guy and he’s like the hallmark of a Baltimore Christian whereas you’ve got some Jane Doe complaints — and it’s still early for these to become much much worse — and the league is already looking to discipline your ass? If you get lucky enough to play this year, you’d better drag the Texans to a Lombardi trophy because that’s the only way to guarantee you come out of this a hero and everyone just ignores your rape victims.

Tragic but hey! I gotta run, Jalen. My 3pm is here and I got a boner that you would not imagine so —

Well, for everyone at home, you’re just getting a taste of what happens when you go toe to toe with someone who has the kind of wealth the McNairs enjoy. It’s the kind of wealth I wish for all our listeners to have because it brings considerable amount of power. For ten grand, you can easily leverage a couple news cycles against any of your employees by simply playing into the media’s need for salacious tabloid news stories. It’s a scary amount of power to have consolidating in the hands of these people, especially considering those very resources could have easily covered for — or been covering for — these very activities if the allegations against Deshaun are true. But I don’t know and I don’t care because the Texans are going to be absolute dog shit on the field for the rest of DeShaun’s career, however many more seasons that lasts.  

So that’s it for today. Cash your government stimulus check and throw it at any outstanding debts. For those who can, get your vaccine and, for the rest of you, sit tight, mask up, and we’ll see you next time, right here, on The Jalen Ramsey Show.