“Ladidahdahdah, just a normal Tuesday. Maybe I’ll check in on DoorFliesOpen…”
BOOM! STEALTH CRIMEBEAT!
Oh bitches, you didn’t realize what you were walking into, didja?
Don’t worry. It’ll all be over soon. Just lie back and think of England.
*Well, the lead story as of this morning involved a stripper, her monkey, Halloween and the University of Texas football team. I’m sure Balls can construct his own extremely depraved scenario based solely on that. The reality was somewhat weirder. I apologize for dipping into the hated JV Football ranks, but I was getting ready to fall asleep when I checked Twitter one last time (always a mistake). Come with me now on a guided tour of how the story developed as I read:
1. A trick or treater was injured by a monkey
Me: Huh. That’s weird.
2. A trick or treater was attacked by a monkey at the home of the Texas Longhorns special teams coach
Me: Wait, a Power 5 college coordinator has a monkey?
3. A trick or treater was attacked by a monkey at the home of the Texas special teams coach, but the monkey belonged to his girlfriend.
Me: Is that better or worse?
4. A trick or treater was attacked by a monkey at the home of the Texas special teams coach, but the monkey belonged to his girlfriend, who is a stripper that he left his wife for.
Me: Better
5. A trick or treater was attacked by a monkey at the home of the Texas special teams coach, but the monkey belonged to his girlfriend, who is a stripper that he left his wife for, known as the “Pole Assassin” and who USES THE MONKEY IN HER ACT
Me: Oh shit, take cover- we’re about to get PETA up in this fuckaround.
6. A trick or treater was attacked by a monkey at the home of the Texas special teams coach, but the monkey belonged to his girlfriend, who is a stripper that he left his wife for, known as the “Pole Assassin” and who uses the monkey in her act and is tweet-defending herself and the monkey in a conversation with PFTCommenter. The incident is not expected to compromise the coach’s status as a leading contender for the Washington State head coaching job.
Me:
The story continues to develop, but I blacked out from weirdness.
*Raiders second-year receiver Henry Ruggs III is facing 2-20 years after he drove impaired and killed a woman. At 3:30 a.m. on Tuesday, Ruggs drove his Corvette into the back of a Toyota SUV, which caught fire. It’s unclear whether the driver of the SUV died before or after the fire broke out.
Please note as you read stories about this tragedy the disgusting and cowardly linguistic contortions “reporters” and Access Whores are going through to avoid saying Ruggs killed this woman.
A statement on #Raiders WR Henry Ruggs, who is being charged with DUI resulting in death for his role in a car crash that LVMPD say involved a deceased victim. pic.twitter.com/OlfR0YGRJK
— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) November 2, 2021
Note Rapoport’s verbiage: “a car crash that LVMPD say involved a deceased victim.” I’m sorry, Ian, do you think the woman in the SUV was dead BEFORE the collision and fire? Was this a Weekend at Bernie’s road movie? Fuck you, shitweasel.
Also, it’s time for our DFO Yearly Reminder: don’t ever drive impaired. We here at DFO are generally friendly to the less-damaging classes of intoxicants, in keeping with our Anti-Pants Agenda. However, it’s a big weird world out there, and a lot of Really Bad Shit can happen when you are not in full control of a metric tonne of high speed metal. Take a Lyft. Stagger home. Or my personal favorite, stay home and get fershnickered in the comfort of your favorite chair/couch/throw-rug.
LESSER SPORTS:
Cheaters. Racists. Racists. Cheaters.
OBSCURE MOVIE TIP: None! Instead, you should see Free Guy! It’s neat, and you can rent it at home now. Maybe have a drink.
