Good morning. I just read your charts from before; I understand the voices in your head this week are telling you that you’re in immense pain? Sorry to hear this. But fortunately, I have some good news – I think I can make the voices go away. If you’re willing to join my clinical trial, I can get you in quickly. That said, this is an experimental method, so if you’re willing to be flexible, this could fix things instantly, or make them worse. But considering how you and I were playing at the craps table last week in Vegas, I have a feeling you’re going to want to try this procedure out all the same…

PSYCHIC SURGERY: THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE TO HEALTH?

What are the positives of this treatment?

One of the most frustrating things about being a surgeon is always having to ensure that any equipment you use and the incisions you make are always properly sterilized. This is a real drawback for those of us who get paid by the case; my lobbying of modifying healthcare legislation to save time and money by no longer recognizing germ theory is an ongoing process that is not getting the recognition it rightfully deserves.

As we are still bound by the letter of the law, and by such ridiculous intangibles as “patient well-being” and “quality of care”, most modern physicians have no choice but to follow standard practises when it comes time to operate. For a few brave souls in the Philippines and Brazil, you’ll be able to find far less intrusive surgical methods available to you – for the right price, of course.

This non-invasive surgery is known as “psychic surgery”, and it has its roots in spiritualist communities dating back to the mid-19th century. For spiritualists and Spiritists (one of many offshoot branches of the movement), practitioners try and fuse some scientific and practical beliefs with an affinity for communicating with spirits that pass through physical and astral planes, which are supposed to exude energy out into the universe. In particular, many Spiritists believe that disembodied spirits can exert significant negative energy on humans, and need to be enticed to vacate their host and keep moving on elsewhere into the universe.

Beginning in the early 20th century, psychic surgery began to fill this void of drawing out negative energy, and attempted to cure many other various ailments found within the body. In our aforementioned locations of the Philippines and Brazil, modern-day psychic surgeons don’t use any surgical instruments at all during procedures. Instead, the healer’s bare hands make “incisions”, which are supposed to cut through space-time, to remove the negative energy (and perhaps any foreign objects or diseased body parts) from the patient.

Some psychic surgeons also believe that they are channeling the energy of deceased surgeons, who communicate with the living person’s body in order to control the hands, and also know what specifically to look for in the patient in order to heal them properly.

While almost all psychic surgeons will never make any actual incisions into a patient, there are sometimes some procedures where the healer does, in fact, appear to reach inside the patient to remove blood, guts, tissue, and sometimes foreign objects (which are typically blamed on malevolent spirits). On top of that, in the right hands, upon completion of the procedure, the incision heals instantaneously without leaving a trace. Undoubtedly, to onlookers, watching psychic surgery looks incredibly cool.

What are the negatives of this treatment?

Aside from the fact it doesn’t work? None. It looks super cool, and you don’t even need any anesthetic. What’s not to like? Perhaps some people might quibble that their health insurance might not cover these procedures, but as always, that’s just bureaucratic red tape standing in the way of true, meaningful progress.

What are some real-life examples of this treatment? 

The two most prominent psychic surgeons of the 20th century, Tony Agpaoa, a Filipino, and Zé Arigó, a Brazilian, died in 1982 and 1971, respectively. Of the two, Agpaoa was considered to be a real showman, with his live healing procedures often involving a liberal amount of blood as he “reached into” a patient using nothing but his bare hands.

Agpaoa was charged in the US in 1968 for pretending to fix a bone in a patient’s neck; magician James Randi investigated the situation as to how Agpaoa made his procedures work, and concluded that he was almost certainly just using sleight of hand to fool the audience. He also noted that Agpaoa had his appendix removed in an American hospital, rather than consulting a psychic surgeon for the procedure…

Arigó made a name for himself in Brazil during the ’50s and ’60s, where he allegedly channeled the spirit of one “Dr. Fritz” who helped guide him to perform surgeries using his bare hands and sometimes basic kitchen utensils. In 1956, he was convicted of illegally practicing medicine, but received a pardon from the President of Brazil, Juscelino Kubitschek de Oliveira. In 1962, he was arrested for illegally practising medicine a second time, though prison officials still allowed him to perform “operations” behind bars. Magician James Randi also investigated Arigó, and was able to successfully replicate a knife trick he had observed in a “surgery”, also confirming the psychic surgeon as a sham. Additionally, Arigó regularly prescribed “potions” that could only be found at the single pharmacy in town… which happened to be owned and operated by Arigó’s brother.

The most famous psychic surgical patient of all time has to be comic genius Andy Kaufman. In March 1984, he traveled to the Philippines to undergo a procedure to heal his acute lung cancer; while he felt the surgery was a smashing success, he later passed away in May 1984.

Allegedly, that is.

How can we improve this treatment for the future?

I propose that psychic surgeries for acutely ill patients get crowd-funded through ticket sales; in fact, I’m in consultation right now with various football leagues to see if they’ll schedule me as a halftime act, where I perform a lobotomy using nothing but my hands, a grapefruit spoon, some fireworks, and a smoke machine. Faith and optimism are essential in life – and a relationship where patient, physician and audience can all receive ample amounts of each in a single procedure seems to be the most admirable medical goal of all!

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Information for this article taken from here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.