I’m going to blame Kristen Stewart for this.

“Open with”

Scary dead children floating in the ethereal mist chanting. Tajjy and Kristen sitting in a tree, K.I.S.S.I.N.G.

Oh bliss

Eyes open, wake up to:

 Day 109 locked down in the Covid cave. One thing is for certain madness dwells here. Every day you face the fear, it bubbles all around, I don’t even want to wake up and face the day. I’ve got to get out of here but where? No place is safe, I need to disconnect, I need some time alone but there is no such place. There’s only everyday the same thing.

I can’t go another day like this, something is going to crash into something else.

Fully awake now from a fitful (what’s new?) sleep, sweaty and confused, stumble towards the little boy’s room to take advantage of the water release facility, when suddenly my brain says

“I know where the devil lives and if you can’t find him God only lives another 30 miles further on, so what do you say?”

” Hey brain, are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

Why Not? You got plenty of free time, a few (thank you Uncle Sam) extra bucks and it’s only a 3 hour drive. 

Wait, it’s the middle of July I’m supposed to travel to hell now? I wander back to bed puzzled but the thought was locked in,

“This is insane, you can’t even think about this seriously.”

So you know what happens next don’t you? 

It’s supposed to be filled with magic power, I tell myself, a place where a restless spirit can be found. This idea is absurd but there it was locked in place.

When I awoke the next morning it became inevitable, Salvation Mountain for a sunrise breakfast.

 The Salton Sea in July? The only place hotter in the northern hemisphere is Death Valley, makes Vegas look like a pussy.

How pray tell do you plan to survive this jaunt into lunacy? Can’t be more than 114 in Palm Springs today, perfectly safe, and just like that some strangeness fell over me while I was peeing, and now this?

 Start planning for a trip back in time, To the place where all the hipsters of yesteryear wanted to hang out.

 See there are water sports, the sign promises

Too bad it’s one of the most polluted places on the planet now. Who cares? Get that suitcase, fire up the coupe and let’s go to the place where our minds melt right out of our ears, Bombay Beach? Middle of the summer? Oh hell yes. It’ll work. 

I just need to create a ruse, but what? I know, I’ll tell them I’m going to visit the grand kids, no one will even notice my mania.

Just like that I’m planning a trip to a nuclear wasteland, cool. 

Couple of days there, then a couple of days up north with my son. I told no one of this plan in fear that someone would have me locked up for certain. Now all I need is a hotel room during a pandemic.

Christ what is wrong with me? What are you looking for? You’re doing this on purpose, if you tell anyone they will try and talk you out of it, hell I should try talking myself out of it.

And out the “Mother humpin door I went” (thank you George Thorogood) Simple things to start with ice, water, lots of beer in said ice for the hotel room and air conditioning in the car would help, mine does not have air, cue the eerie music this fool is really pushing his luck.

Sounds like God using his favorite vibrator

We have all seen this majestic vista on T.V. As I stood on the ground I could feel the earth hum beneath my feet from the power of the current and the sound that was emitted was like all of the dead from all time rising up and moaning about their losses, for all eternity!

Maybe a  touch over dramatic there. 

As I exit my car to shoot these photos it immediately fills with flies. “Crap” says I as I re-enter said automobile. I try chasing them away but they swarm me. Sticking to my sweaty skin they will not detach themselves crawling over me looking for the tasty bits, all of them trying to get in my eyes. You can smash them bloody on your skin or let them be. I jump back in the car the flies are everywhere, jump upon the freeway accelerate up to 70, roll down the windows and let the deserts blast furnace winds recapture these nasty beings.

Check my phone, temperature is now quite warm,

and on the rise, time for some water.

On the horizon like a ghost rising from the heat waves, Indio California shimmering in the distance, sweat is pouring down my face as I pull into my luxury digs that is the Motel 12 Indio. Check the phone it’s 113 degrees as I walk into the office to check in, love all the flies as they attack again, makes me feel welcome.

I walk toward the office when a screeching sound forces me to do a double take. There are hundreds of crows on every power line, on every tree branch, all of them screaming.

The black eyed devil birds fill the skies with their cries for violence

     Large rivers of last nights beers turn to liquid heat that run down my back. The flies have found me again. My shirt has a single fully soaked seat belt line from shoulder to waist, I enter the hotel lobby my sweat dripping on the floor.

I approach and talk to the nice young lady behind glass who’s trying to help me check in. 

She asks casually what brings me to town. I told her I was trying to find myself and write about it. She looked bored, so I asked her if she had ever been to the Salton Sea? She said yes, so I asked her how far away and would I die if I went out there now? She looked both bored and confused this time and said and I quote “I wouldn’t go out there right now” sage advice which I did not take, stupid fool that I am.

Get to my room (hey look dead flies) and turn the air conditioner on to absolute full tilt boogie tossed my stuff onto the bed, grabbed my phone and off to the lake of fire I went, I kept the ice chest and water with me, which probably saved my life.

Here is where I made the big mistake. You see I used my phone’s navigation and said I wanted to go to Salton Sea city, wrong. 

That is on the West side of the lake but all of the cool stuff is on the East side of the lake. I’m driving towards Mecca California when I see a sign that says Salton Sea recreation area this way but my phone says don’t you turn, so I didn’t.

 The road to hell is surrounded by, get this, palm trees.

 I could tell you now but to be fair I didn’t fully understand until later.

The fields ran for miles in all directions as far as the eye could see. The next thing I notice is there really is no access to any water anywhere if this is supposed to be the famed California Salton Riviera where’s the skiing?

Where’s the rear end water sports? Something is wrong.

Is that water out there?

 I turn at the sign that says marine access, boat launch. 

This prime piece of real estate can be all yours

Oh look, is that a jet ski? I drink some water and dash off into the 119 degree desert.

 I swear that’s water

Sweat is now soaking my very being, my underpants are drenched. At this point I am 247 feet BELOW sea level, the lowest point in the western hemisphere. 

 The Color of blood

The water was seething like it was a living thing. I could get no closer as quicksand protected it on all sides.

The ground was like walking on a different planet

My sinuses are crisp, my bald spot is boiling. I have now been in a temperature that has been over 110 for four plus hours when the dizziness first arrives. Let me rephrase that I was not crisped, I was baked in Beelzebub’s convection oven at 425 for four and one half hours.

 This is the old marina 

Hey who’s that out there?

 Hey look it’s Satan, hi Satan

Super dizzy, trying  to clear my head I start walking back across the desert towards the car. The heat is like wet, hot waves washing over me. It’s no more than a mile from where I parked but the heat has a mind of its own, my water? you might ask?  In the ice chest back in the car.

 Imagine a lovely boat being happily launched

Alright shake it off, I tell myself, you have to start moving.

I’m not sure I can, I’m close the world is spinning. Light flashes, my eyes are on fire, I scream at my body “You must walk.”

And miraculously my feet respond.

 I look at my phone it’s of no use it says your Iphone needs to cool down and it shows nothing but a bright red thermometer.

I have now stopped sweating. I feel nauseous and there is a pounding roar in my head.

To be continued

Thanks, as always it ain’t worth doing if nobody be reading it

mes oreilles saignet

D.J. Taj 7-01 through 8-30 2020

Updated as I went, hey I’m allowed!