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Monday Morning Mock Draft:

Horatio Cornblower

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Turns out it only takes me taking Friday off to get a four day weekend to forget what day it is by Sunday. It also didn’t help that today is Labor Day, a day Americans celebrate by burning the flag and venerating our home shrines to Eugene V. Debs.

I’ll be vacating this space next week, (and almost today), in favor of the fever dream that is Instant Hippo Thoughts, so this will be the last Monday Morning Mock Draft until after the Superb Owl.

For today’s topic we’ll go with something football related, in honor of the looming 2022 season. Pick something that you wish your team would do to improve, either short-term or long-term. The only limit is that it has to be realistic; you can’t reanimate the corpse of Bronko Nagurski and bring the Bears back to their glory days.

Actually, just to make this a little more interesting, (and because I am very much winging this one), let’s add a twist: you can also wish that said team had done something to improve a specific year’s performance. Just specify the season while taking that move.

You still can’t animate corpses, though.

For me that team is the Dallas Cowboys. I’d like to take Jerry Jones selling the team, but that’s about as realistic as Mr. Nagurski coming back, so I’ll just draft some hero, maybe Stephen, convincing Ol’ Double J that it’s time to hire a competent GM. YEEEEEEE-HAWWWWWW, THAT IS FUCKIN’ CRAZY!!!!

The rest of you are on the clock, (after I hit the snooze alarm several dozen times),

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Wakezilla

I’ll take: Get new owners who actually want to win football games instead of owning a team for a status symbol among the mega rich.

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Horatio Cornblower

You’re going to have to narrow that one waaaaaaayyyyyy down.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

2. 1995 – the Raiders do NOT move back to Oakland. Whether this ultimately leads to them staying in LA and getting a swanky new stadium, or eventually getting a swanky new stadium in Oakland, or even Las Vegas that much sooner, it sucked to have them playing in such a dump for so long.

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Redshirt

(due to Labor Day reasons, turns picks to the Commissioner for the Monday Morning Supplemental Mock Draft)

This may bend the rules and get me the Mock Draft Death Penalty but I can’t just leave this to one or two picks.

Present Bengals (due to recent history, not too many notes):

  • Protect Nine.
  • Quit relying on your backup RB over your starting RB when games on the line. If you want to play Perine when the season/championship on the line, make him your starter then.

Past Bengals (due to past history, a lot of notes and mock draft pick trades have been made)

  • 1975: For your new Head Coach Head Coach, maybe go with the WR/QB coach instead of the OL coach.
  • 1982: If your RB Pete Johnson has failed to gain 5, 3, 1, 1 and 1 yard, maybe try someone else.
  • 1989: If one of your players is a recovered drug addict, maybe don’t leave him alone before the biggest game of his life.
  • 1992: Don’t fire Sam Wyche after one 3-13 season just because he’s an asshole control freak.
  • 1992: Don’t hire Dave Shula just because he’s the son of a famous football icon, just like you.
  • 1992: Don’t draft David Klingler after your starting QB had an average season and you have other positions of need.
  • 1992: Don’t change David Klingler’s passing style to match your QB’s coach style from the 1970s.
  • 1997: Don’t wait too long to pull the plug on Jeff Blake and put in Boomer Esiason, especially if your somehow in a playoff hunt.
  • 1998: Keep Neil O’Donnell around after the 1998 season. Even though he did go 2-9, he did have a 61.8% completion percentage, a TD-INT ratio of 15-4 and a QB Rating of 90.2. Either his record starts to match his stats or you give a rookie QB a chance to learn the system on the bench instead of on the field.
  • 1999: Don’t think about it. Take Ditka’s entire draft and then go from there!
  • 2005: That Wild Card Game: Once Carson Palmer gets hurt, throw out the game plan and put one in to match Jon Kitna. Kitna doesn’t exactly have Palmer’s arm but he does know how to get the ball to the right guy (a proto-Dalton, if you will).
  • 2016: That Wild Card Game II:
  • Outside the scope of this draft, but maybe the referees decide to actually get involved before the game turns into a Prison Brawl.
  • Get your team off the field after Antonio Brown gets hurt. Adam Jones can’t cost you the game if Joey Porter’s on the field smugly smiling to nothing.
  • Joey Porter: As always, no notes. Everything the Steelers do are, as always, infallible.
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Horatio Cornblower

Eh, go for it.

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Gumbygirl

If the Steelers had only done what I told them to do, and drafted Dan Marino in 83, no one would be talking about the fucking Patriots as the greatest team evuh.

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Senor Weaselo

As a Jets fan: Give Vinny a knee brace in the ‘99 opener.

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ArmedandHammered

On vacation at the OBX and since I root for no team, no wishes for anyone to do better. However, I would like Dallas to keep McCarthy until Jerra dies and they have to bury McCarthy with him since they can’t pry his lips from Jerry’s ass.

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blaxabbath

It always occurred to me Jerry’s coach is going to have to be placed in the tomb with him.

I just hadn’t realized it until you said that.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Artist’s conception:

comment image

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I don’t know if Matt Eberflus is a good coach. But I want the Bears to NOT fuck with him and give Justin Fields 2-3 years with the same coach and OC to see what we’ve got and not fuck up his development.

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Horatio Cornblower

Now seeing reports of isolated areas of as much as 7″ of rain possible near me. Probably an exaggeration, but at the same time it’s a good chance for my wife to sell an expensive home to a frustrated Mississippi housewife.

3
yeah right

Buy a shitload of buckets and ship that shit out here.

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blaxabbath

Wait — are we raiding their real estate already?

Where do I set up my hipster coffee shop?

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yeah right

New quarterback please.

Anyone is fine.

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Horatio Cornblower

/Monkey’s paw curls

“Hi, I’m Nathan Peterman; I’m your new QB!”

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yeah right

SOLD!

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Horatio Cornblower

SKOL!

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BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

The whole “owner” thing in Green Bay. You don’t own anything. You just paid $250 for a piece of paper.

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blaxabbath

How does it work actually? Like, the mayor ain’t the GM…

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Horatio Cornblower

This draft is going over like a fart in church. I hope it’s because everyone is enjoying a great Labor Day and not, like me, preparing for 5″ of rain.

“Oh. Rain. For a moment there I had hope”
D. Favre, Mississippi, which frankly could use some clean fresh water these days, even if it is only from the skies.

Anyhoo, in an effort to keep this thing on the tracks, the 2017 Yankees do whatever they needed to do to get Justin Verlander.

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BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

5″, oh my
-D Farve

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blaxabbath

When is cancel culture coming for our small penis dick pick jokes?

1
BeefReeferLives

Stillers dumping Greydick after he went down to Georgia.

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Horatio Cornblower

“The only limit is that it has to be realistic” and neither the NFL nor its franchises consider sexual assault to be a legitimate reason to dump a star.

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BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

The Packers fire Mike McCarthy like 10 years earlier. Not even gonna look up how long he coached for then as it felt like forever

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blaxabbath

Is he just a really nice guy?

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, fun aside – one of my neighbors (who is otherwise a very likeable fellow) told me that his work timed themselves doing 40-yard dashes and that he ran a 4.6. In a Herculean effort to remain diplomatic, I changed the subject.

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BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

You live beside Goodell?

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Horatio Cornblower

If I covered 40 yards in 4.6 seconds it’s because I’m falling off a 50 yard cliff.

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BeefReeferLives

What, are you on the board of Bed, Bath & (into the great) Beyond?

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ballsofsteelandfury

This is wonderful.

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Gumbygirl

Damn, son!

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blaxabbath

You’re in LA with all these models and superstars around.

Maybe he plays the purse theif (wink) in the episode of navy csi filming at your Skateboarding Coffee Shop.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ll ask my new best friend her opinion on this matter.

comment imagev

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

1. Easiest pick I’ll ever make. 2007 Draft, the Raiders select anyone other than Jamarcus Russell. Calvin Johnson would have been ideal, but honestly they could have taken an empty paint can or a tupperware container full of used kitty litter and it would have been a step up.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

What if we want a corpse to completely deanimate?

comment image?resize=1160,1080

She’d have to take the whole family with her.

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BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

Is that fur woolly mammoth or saber tooth tiger?

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BeefReeferLives

Bearskin, natch… Made from five litters of endangered Asiatic Black Bears.

Ya know how the ridiculously wealthy are about their clothing choices….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nYbKipNtac

3
Horatio Cornblower

Can’t believe WCS didn’t get this first.

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BeefReeferLives

Yeah, of late it seems that he’s been strangely hesitant to poke fun at the scions of wealth and priviledge, for some reason…

1
blaxabbath

That is a lady who enjoys money. Not people.

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