Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 8, 2022

Hippo and Other Hippo wish a Happy Halloween to our myriad child-age readers, as well as y’all over-enthusiastic adults.  Git off-a mah lawn.

I don’t think anyone will lament over a lack of scoring or fantasy stardom THIS week.  I mean, except That’s Rikki’s Raiders! – travelling to the Bayou and coming back with a bagel.  Saints 24, Vegas nil.  I don’t recall RedZone showing a singke snap of this “action” in the second half.  Regression to the mean?  Bitchin’ Kamara got his first TD of the season.  Then his 2nd, followed by his 3rd.  In a game with 24 total points.  Shit usually balances out over time.  Emo Carr will go super dark on the flight back.  I’m thinking Bauhaus, at minimum.

Once again, I forgot to lead off with the morning London calling – even though my Donks finally shook off the worst of their funk, beating the home Jaguras, 21-17.  It looked really bad early, with a very not-charming pickerception, and nary a Donks first down through 20 minutes of action.  But the switch flipped, at least for 3 TD drives (including an Elway-esque 98-yarder).  That rookie CB that set a record for DPI in one game against the Clippers?  He made an outstanding catch for the clinhing INT (followed by a dagger 4th down conversion, denying even the most remote of Hail Mary time).  The deep ball moon shot is back in the Charmslinger repertoire, and none too soon.  Good for KJ Hamler, who overcame serious physical (and mental health) hurdles to get back on the pitch.  Denver doesn’t win without him, that’s for sure.

There is bananacakes and then there is what-the-fuck-ever happened when the Black Panthers marched into Megatron’s Butthole.  Somehow, we had a back-and-foth shootout between indie rock goddess PJ Harvey and Late Stage Mariota.  This was for first place in their very sad division, but they played hot potato with it.  Maybe they’d all rather have the draft pick?  Anyway, ATL thought they had drawn CLT offsides on 4th and 3, to clinch the win.  But no, it is a false start by NFL rules, and Younghoe had to take the FG.  34-28, with 36 seconds and no timeouts.  I mean, you are just thinking getting into Hail Mary range, if lucky.

But after two plays gained 13 yards, DJ Moore said “fuck it, I’m going deep” and PJ acquiesced.  An absolute laser, at least 65 yards in the air, as Moore went past double coverage to secure the should-be-winning TD.  But man, was he excited.  He gestured, he yapped.  But cardinal sin…he took off his helmet before doing so.  They always call that unsportsmanlike, and that made the extra point a 48-yarder.  Indoors, though – still should make it.  Piniero didn’t, and we go to OT.

Falcons win the toss, and Mariota tries to play hero.  His deep shot not only gets picked, but also run back to the ATL 20.  Now, CLT can win with a FG, this time from the range where that extra point SHOULD have been (33 yards).  Perfect for Moore/Piniero redemption!  But he missed again.

Sherman’s Ashes would go on the march with new life, and Younghoe won it from 41 yards.  Oy, what a bad beat.  4-4 and in first place.  Just think, they COULD have won in MRSA-ville, without that phantom “touching the Brady” bailout call a few weeks ago.  But 4-4 is still sole possession of first.  For now.

One would expect the Cowpersons to beat the tar shit out of the Bearistocrats! – and you’d be right.  DAK! with his arm, with his legs, with sideline cheeering on a Micah Parsons scoop and score.  49-29 sounds worthy of checking FOAR Most Glorious Scorinami.  Good day to be Tony Pollard.

One would expect the Iggles to beat the tar shit out of the Uncle Jack Yinzers – and you’d be right.  35-13, nothing of real interest happened.  Unless you have AJ Brown in fantasy, in which case you are a very happy boy or girl.  150+ and 3 scores – in the first half.  Not much call to try on offense after that.

LOLfins away to No-fuck Lions was better than one could reasonably expect – except that it is always icky for a human like Tyreek Hill to succeed.  But he and that Waddle guy just eviscerated a hapless DET secondary, after Buster and crew established an early 21-7 lead.  Miami took the advantage back at 31-27 with two Q3 scores, and that would be all the scoring for the day.  Miami keeps its head/fins/blowhole above water, in the competitive AFC.

New England looked to continue its death rattle from Monday night.  They were smacking The Legend of White Mac around (mostly fairly, but always hilariously), and had a 10-3 lead inside the (first half) 2-minute warning.  Then, the dam broke, with a terrible throw that the Jets returned for 6.  Except…HAI bailout BLEERGH!  Touching the QB, for a 10-point swing (P*ts would run out the clock and kick a FG after the flag).  Really, I’m being unfair – by modern standards, that flag comes out 9 times out of 10.  It was certainly a beat late, though not exactly egregious.  That turned the game completely, as “Competent Wilson” flipped to “insane throw it to whoever wants it” MILF-hunter Z.  Saleh’s crew was lucky to hold NE to field goals most of the time, but enough of them (5 in total) plus a nice catch and TD run by Jakobi Meyers would be enough.  Wilson managed a quasi-garbage time score, but the onside kick failed for the 22-17 final.  Ouch.

Minnesota hosted the Qards, with the Vikes doing that thing where they dominate, but let the opponent hang around.  Dingleberry was his usual mix of adequacy and cromulence.  Minny missed the extra point at 34-26 (with like 8 minutes to play), but Wee Kyler never really threatened to tie things up.  34-26, it would end.  Vikes are 6-1, in cruise control of the NFC North.

Keep your expectations low, and you’ll rarely be disappointed.  That’s advice to live by, especially with respect to the late window.

Of course, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  Until a garbage time TD cut the final margin to 17-10, this was pretty much #PeakTits.  315 yards rushing, 219 (on a whopping 32 carries) for el Tractorcito.  Davis Mills was well under 100 yards (until that garbage time drive).  Rookie Malik Willis was asked to do basically nothing, which he was more than willing to so do.  Basically took the home 500s’ collective bollocks, and crushed them in a vice.  Surly Duff Division, meet the new boss.  Same as the old boss.

Maybe Santa Clara didn’t overpay for Run CMC after all?  As Mr. Ayo nailed it! in the game thread, the newbie became the first dude in 17 years to throw, pass, and catch a TD in the same fixture.  The catch was a sublime piece of timing, levitating like a Super Mario character into exactly the right window of space.  Janeane was her best, uber-efficient self, cool and collected as the Tomsulas pulled away from the home, division tival, defending Owl champs.  The Gospel According to Fatthew was back on track in the first half, but then shut the fuck down on the back end.  At least he’ll have his fat to comfort himself with.  Fat fucking fatty!   Tomsulas take it by a 31-14 final.

All season, Hippo and Other Hippo have wondered how the SeaTruthers and los Gigantes kept winning, week after week.  Joisey A was especially baffling this week, hanging around at 7-10 despite Dimebag being 5/11 for SEVENTEEN yards, into Q3.  But Saquon churned out (highly congested) yards, the defense made key stops, and a long FG tied things up at 13 with like 10 minutes to play.  But Geno remembered he was supposed to be our putative MVP, and he found Lockett (who had fumbled AND dropped a walk-in TD earlier) for the winning score.  A 2nd special teams (lost) fumble put the nail in the NYG coffin, with Ken Walker (not a Texas Ranger, to my knowledge) running it in for a 27-13 spread.  SEA wouldn’t even allow Dimebag any garbage time points.

The closest game seemed tastier last month.  Easy storyline of New Pussy (Matty Ice) hosting the spurned ex-lover (Dakota Jeebus).  But life comes at us fast, and Sam Ehrlinger makes his NFL debut against the spurned ex-lover’s…spurned ex-lover (Taylor Heinecke).  I really thought this was done and dusted at 16-7, but Heinecke kept escaping and making plays off-script.  A short FG cut it to 16-10, then the Commies (ironically) got an answered prayer.  Jump ball pulled down by Scary Terry at the Humps’ 1.  Heinecke sneaked in the winner with just 22 ticks on the clock.  17-16, can’t wait to see Jim Irsay React Reasonably.  This loss certainly ain’t on Ehrlinger – he looked pretty good, especially under the circumstances.  But Forward, Comrades Heinecke and Rivera!

Lastly, we get Q-aron’s comeuppance in WNY.  We all knew this would be ugly.  Did Hippo mostly play Footy Manager?  Yes, he sure did, Other Hippo!

Anyway, this game just dragged on and on, but Bay of Green was never really in it.  Because they’re not very/any good.  Bills Mafia sloppily triumph, 27-17.  Buffalo got really bored, and thus blew the cover.