Hello there fellow DFO’er.  Hope you’re well today.  And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain.  There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.

This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself [in bed].
Charlotte Brontë, ‘Jane Eyre’.

This is pretty much the DFO mantra, right?

Today is both of my kids birthdays. No, they are not twins. There is a 3 year age difference between them, so a good sneeze in March used to cause pregnancy around these parts. It’s also my brother-in-laws birthday too. So happy birthday everyone celebrating today.

As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.

Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.

Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.

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Bitchy Brady was wonderful, as ever.

The sarcasm doesn’t come through cleanly enough here. For anyone keeping track, it was the 2nd worst game of TAWMMY’s entire career.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Also important to mention that it took place in San Francisco – near Brady’s hometown, in front of over 100 friends and family that he bought tickets for.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Brady has friends?” — Me

“People talk to their family?” — Aaron R.
Dunstan

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This Colt McCoy game they’re showing on ESPN Classic right now is pretty pedestrian, why’d they pick it?
herodotus450

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Brocky

Oscar’s looking good!
Horatio Cornblower

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So who has two thumbs and has had the best week of his fantasy year despite being mathematically eliminated from the playoffs!?!?!?!
Brocky

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I only needed Hopkins, Stevenson and Folk to outscore James Conner by 8 points tonight to lock up the #4 seed in my booze league. If not, I gotta win a points tiebreaker to back into the playoffs.

Not going very well.
Col. Duke LaCross

I left Conner on the bench cause I’m a frickin’ idiot who apparently thinks that byes last for two weeks.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Bi means two, right?”
Senator Sinema, trying to be a Democrat and a Republican
BrettFavresColonoscopy

“That’s what I read!”

– Lea Michele
Mr. Ayo

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Wow, listening to Bill Simmons talking about old movies while rewatching them sounds like the 4th Circle of Hell.

But good for the Mannings for making him watch The Helmet Catch again off that lead-in.
Horatio Cornblower

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Bill Simmons still butt hurt that “his” Patriots lost a buncha times to the Mannings in the Superb Owl. What a loser
Game Time Decision

He also just finished saying that Boston is a Celtics town now.

Yeah, no shit, Boston fans cheer for whichever team is doing well and pretend they’ve never heard of the others. Tawmmy from Quinzee was only slight parody.
Dunstan

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Dinner: cut up a buncha potatoes, threw them in the air fryer, doused them with malt vinegar.

Look at me mom! I’m Irish. Now have to go get drunk and beat the dog.
jjfozz

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christmas eve at my mother in law’s house

i’m debating on wrapping the Pride flag around me, with the biden 2024 shirt underneath, then insisting that I be called Mohamed X.
jjfozz

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Though dead, doctors are finding that Mike Leach has more brain activity than the average Mississippi resident.
blaxabbath

If they could read, they’d be mad at this comment.
Sharkbait

[isn’t mad] – Lea Michele
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

LemonJello

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Oh hey, I guess they just leave bottles of champagne in my fridge now! Scores: Argentina – 2, Zymm – Lots, Croatia – 0
Doktor Zymm

/checks fridge, sees no free champagne
//realizes I’m not on a fancy-pantaloons cruise
///gets mad anyway
SonOfSpam

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Christmas is getting way too expensive. Next year, I’m giving everyone I know and love and handwritten card saying:

“I care for you enough to spend time with you, to value your opinions, to share in your successes and moments of triumph, to empathize when you feel sad and angry, but not enough to destroy my credit balance. I’m not ready for a serious relationship like that.”
Redshirt

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Major overshare, but the first night of COVID I couldn’t pee properly. Basically it was like having a UTI. It’s better now but out of curiosity has this happened to anyone else who had COVID?
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Get a dwarf. They help…somehow.
SonOfSpam

“I don’t get paid for that shit”

-voice from basement
Horatio Cornblower

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Not to gloat (well maybe a little), but last night after five years of chasing, our three man squad, Bowlhemoth, finally got our hands on the Salt Lake Heavy Metal Bowling League Championship.

We got that boat boys!

Col. Duke LaCross

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The French have had some close shaves in their box. Traditionally this has not been the case.
Col. Duke LaCross

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THIS GAME I CALL IT EL-MOUNGAR, BECAUSE THAT’S THE NAME OF THE FIRST FRENCH FOREIGN LEGION BATTLE IN OR NEAR MOROCCO I COULD FIND!!! SERIOUSLY I AM REACHING HERE ALMOST AS BADLY AS AL DAVIS DID IN GIVING ME THAT INSANE CONTRACT!!!
Horatio Cornblower

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Mbappe’s fine, Jenny Taft.
Horatio Cornblower

futball players are total drama queens
Doktor Zymm

Would have loved it if she called him out when they went to her on the sidelines.

“If you look at the replay you’ll see him go down while staring right at the referee and screaming for a foul. Not getting the foul he’s gone to the standard move of writhing on the ground while holding an ankle. If he follows tradition we can expect 3-4 minutes of this, followed by some hobbling, followed by a magical return to full and unhindered sprinting within 5 minutes.”
Horatio Cornblower

French players collapsing on the field like the Germans are invading, but somehow recovering without requiring the intervention of American forces
Doktor Zymm

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As the Clubhouse’s resident addict, I hope Steve Keim gets help he needs, and that it keeps. The second part is much more difficult than just getting a month’s timeout somewhere in the woods or a hospital.

I’m proof it can be done. That said, it ain’t easy. You have to realize your priorities. Do I want to get shitfaced? Hell yes, all the time! Do you want to live to see the Lil WCS, Lil’er WCS, and new Duke WCS graduate and experience the crushing reality that is adulthood? Even more than I want to drink to forget that reality. I quit because of the them, and that’s what keeps me sober. I quit and stayed that way because I’m in love with a duchess (who else gets to say that?), and I love my kids.
I wouldn’t say I was suicidal when my personal life was falling apart, because I was too drunk to realize just how bad things had spiraled. I got through with the right help at the right time, through a lot of self-searching, and of course, yinz here. The Clubhouse always has been a sanctuary for me, going back to old-old-old days at the Big Daddy Drew KSK and Deadspin. Yinz really helped me through the last couple of years, and I can’t thank each of you enough. Love yinz, and thank yinz, too.

I sincerely hope Keim finds a reason to give the vice(s) up. It can be done.
WCS

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I just bought $45 dollars in snack food so I could get a $3 battery delivered by Amazon Fresh in 2 hours.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.
Brick Meathook

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INTERNET DAD! You came back after getting cigarettes! Oh my God, I missed you so much —

/goes in for the hug
//reaches around to DTZM’s back pocket to swipe the pack of smokes
///runs away
The Maestro

A cigarette is a measure of tobacco surrounded by a consumable wrapper, and too many of them aren’t good for you. It is, in short, a sandwich.
Horatio Cornblower

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Balls: I’ve got that Pornhub sponsorship!!

/ reads post

Balls: Never mind!

Seriously, y’all would be surprised at the offers we get and politely turn down.
ballsofsteelandfury

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Part of the reason why the Bengals’ Cinderella Run last year enjoyable for me was this site and most of you all enjoying our unexpected, overdue time in the sun. And I thank you for that.
Redshirt

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This place is a delicious breath of fresh air and you guys won’t stop giving me +1’s and I really need the positive reinforcement.
scotchnaut

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I am eternally grareful I wandered in here, shivering and forlorn, from the sinking ship USS Deadspin (U Suck Spanfeller) This place has been a refuge, you guys will never know how badly I needed this. Well, actually, you DO know, because I whine on here all the damn time! Thank you unironically for your service, if I had any money I’d be throwing it at you, like a caged monkey flinging it’s poop!
Gumbygirl

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Amazon won’t let me watch the game [TNF] so I can only assume I am missing The Greatest Game Ever!!!
Redshirt

Narrator: He wasn’t.
Sharkbait

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That play reminds me of an old joke. What’s the difference between a rolling stone and a Scottish farmer?
BrettFavresColonoscopy

A Rolling Stone says “hey you get off of my cloud!” and a Scottish farmer says “hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!”
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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Mrs Cola didn’t want her steak. Guess who is having 2 steaks!
litre_cola

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wakes up from a long slumber

Who are all these people?
Duchess

These “Royal” types keep leaking out of the woodwork around here….smgdh
scotchnaut

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I declare my attempt to pass off silk pjs as formal wear to be a success!
Doktor Zymm

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My winter job (locker room bartender at a high end country club) served us what they told us was a pre-Hanukkah dinner tonight. Latkes and ham. I wish I was making this up.
Col. Duke LaCross

ballsofsteelandfury

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So I thought of the dumbest joke today, inspired by events in my real life……

An old buddy of my dad came up in conversation today. One thing i’ve always remeebered is that technically his wife is also his step sister. They met as adults when their elderly parents got married (his mom was a widow while her mom parents were seperated.) This all happened over two decades ago.

So I guess you could say he was having sex with his step-sister before it was cool!

I crack myself up sometimes!
Brocky

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Brick Meathook

I’ll never forget that conversation with twbs:

Twbs: an acquaintance of mine has a pet monkey, that thing has bit me on two occasions

Me: knowing you, you probably deserved it

Twbs: I apologize for nothing

(I’m paraphrasing here)
Brocky

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Brick Meathook

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Son: Wow, (favorite ski resort) got 27″ last night!

Me: Sounds like your ski resort and your Mom have something in common.

Son: Jesus Christ.
Horatio Cornblower

Huh. I thought dwarves were a little taller than that.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Josh Allen doing a commercial with Abby, who has Down’s syndrome

Josh: “Remember our handshake?”

Abby: “Yeah, I do dipshit. Do you think you can maybe remember not to force it into triple coverage in a bad-weather game and exercise a modicum of patience so as to benefit the team over the long run?”

Josh: “Is that in the script?”

Abby: (slapping Josh hard across the face) “FOCUS YOU GODDAMN HILLBILLY!!!”
Horatio Cornblower

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I miss our Humps supporter fan/imaginary friend. Stupid Hippo Brain can’t recall her handle.
King Hippo

Once again, please support my initiative to have all DFOers tagged for ease of determining location.
Horatio Cornblower

“Huh, this can’t be right, it says Herodotus450’s tracker hasn’t moved from the couch coordinates in the last 3 days except for when it goes to the fridge coordinates and the bad-smelling-hole-in-the-floor coordinates. We better get a team out there to check the batteries.”
herodotus450

-sigh- for the last goddam time that’s completely normal for all DFOers, except Zymm, who shows up at random spots all over the world, and Scotchy, who we’ve just stopped asking about for…reasons.
Horatio Cornblower

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The very definition of commitment: Yes those are my Vikings playing in a few minutes. First game of the always appreciated Saturday December triple header.

Will I be able to see the end of the game?

I will not.

You see, several years ago when Eldest Granddaughter was in ballet and I was watching her perform in the Nutcracker, her younger sister, The Wahini, asked, “Grandaddy, will you come to watch me in the ballet?”

“”Of course I will.” I responded.

Showtime is at 2 so I’ll have to leave when the game is in the 4th quarter.

I totally forgot until my daughter reminded me 2 days ago.

I’m going to see the Nutcracker for like the 10th goddamn time.

Wouldn’t miss it for the world.
yeah right

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Think Jeff has to change his name now.

Going forward he can be referred to as Jeff Losetoday.
Mr. Ayo

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THESE PEOPLE WHO STAYED UP LATE TO WATCH THE DOLPHINS-BILLS GAME I CALL US DEANNA FAVRE BECAUSE WE WERE PROMISED 5 TO 8 INCHES BUT WE ENDED UP GETTING LESS THAN 4.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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90 yards, there’s 6 minutes, its cold, it’s snowing, and we’re wearing shades. Hit it.
Recovery Whiskey

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Found a funny;

sorry bro, i’m still too hungover from happy hondadays, no way i could make it to toyotathon
rockingdog

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Apparently someone had France to win the the World Cup as the final part of some insane parlay that involved multiple championships and which, if France won, would have turned $26 into well over $500K.

Took a buy-out today for $280K. Smart move.
Horatio Cornblower

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Don T

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If I ever win one of those absurdly large lotto jackpots it might be fun to buy the naming rights to a bowl game to find out the limits of what they’ll allow
Doktor Zymm

“Dok Zymm’s ‘All Vaccine Chips Cause Cancer-It’s Totally True!’ Bowl”
scotchnaut

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So I went to a work Christmas party at the home of one of the neurosurgeons Lady Maestro works with. Holy shit, they sent us home with three doggy bags worth of food. A Muslim Trinidadian man of South Asian descent… we had kale salad, butter paneer, roasted potatoes, aloo, veggie and corn samosas, Greek rice, coconut mango shrimp, baked salmon, lamb chops, and fried chicken all together on the same plate.

I can barely move even this morning. What a feast.
The Maestro

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Ciao Tutti

2Pack

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How do I get a tattoo of a video?
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Announcer: “And Brady has passed for 50 miles!”

Reporter: “Ok, what does that mean?”

Announcer: “It’s 50 miles!”

Reporter: “How many miles did, uh, Dan Marino pass for? What does that number mean? Does it mean anything?”

Announcer: “That guy did a thing and it was 50m miles and that’s amazing.”

Reporter: “Which guy? Which guy did that thing?”

Announcer: [looks at notes] “Tram Burdy. Tram Burdy totally did that thing that I just said!”
scotchnaut

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Looks around clubhouse…

DDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

LemonJello

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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.

Stay busy and safe out there.

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