Request Line: Nationalities

INT. STADIUM – DAY

Wait, it’s an open roof stadium, wouldn’t that be EXT.? 

Yeah, but they’re in a luxury box, so technically it’s an interior shot where lighting design will be required.

Oh, okay. 

Ahem. As I was saying…

INT. STADIUM – DAY

A pair of sleazy Hollywood producers are sitting in comfortable chairs in a luxury suite, watching a tennis tournament.  DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS is sipping a fuzzy felt navel (a specialty cocktail – somewhat of a variation on a bellini – featuring champagne, lemon, orange, and peach schnapps) while RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY idly flips through the pages of a screenplay.  A platter of sushi is on a small table between them.  From the tennis court in front of them we can hear the sounds of a match in play. A cellphone rings, and DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS uses his free hand to touch his Apple Watch and answer the call.

— [phone flies open] —

DTZM: Moshi-moshi…

PRODUCER: Huh?

DTZM: Oh, hey.  [to RTD] It’s the radio station. [to his wrist] I’ll put you on facetime.

DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS sets his champagne flute down and pulls his iPhone out of his pocket, then presses a button on it and sets it on the table, propped up against a pile of screenplays so that the camera can capture both himself and RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY.

PRODUCER: Why did you answer the phone in Japanese?

DTZM: We’re at Nobu.

RTD: We’re just trying to be respectful.

DTZM: Hey, isn’t it time for Request Line? Shouldn’t we be the ones calling you?

PRODUCER: Yeah, that’s what I’m calling about, actually. I’m here with DJ 3000 and we need you guys to settle an argument for us.

RTD: [groans] This isn’t about Palestine, is it? Because when I made those comments to Variety…

DJ 3000: NO, NO, NOTHING LIKE THAT.  MY COLLEAGUE HERE IS TRYING TO TELL ME THAT THE WORD “MONGOLOID” IS TERRIBLY OFFENSIVE TO A LOT OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE INCLUDING PEOPLE WITH DOWN SYNDROME AND ANYONE FROM MONGOLIA OR ANY OTHER ASIAN COUNTRY, AND I’VE BEEN ARGUING THAT THERE’S NO SUCH THING.

RTD: As Mongoloids?

DJ 3000: AND MONGOLIA.

RTD: What are you talking about, of course Mongolia is a real place. [suddenly doubts himself] Isn’t it?

With a furrowed brow, DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS picks up the program from the tennis tournament and begins flipping through it.

DTZM: Aha! There’s this kid playing in the junior qualifiers bracket here who’s from Mongolia, his name is…ah hell, I can’t pronounce this. But look!

DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS holds up the program page so everyone else can see.

RTD: [looking puzzled] Well he doesn’t look retar…

PRODUCER: [cutting him off emphatically] See, DJ 3000, I told you!

DJ 3000: HUH.  SO I GUESS IHLA DAS MULHERES SOLTAS ISN’T A POPULAR VACATION DESTINATION ANYMORE EITHER?

There is a glimmer in DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS’s eyes as he seems to recognize the name, but he remains silent as he glances at the arrangement of buttons on DJ 3000’s console.  He looks thoughtful for a second, then shakes his head slightly while silently mouthing “there’s no way.”  

RTD: That’s definitely not a real place.

DTZM: [glances at watch] Isn’t it time to start Request Line?

PRODUCER: Yeah, we should get rolling.  Have you guys got any ideas for us?

RTD: I’ve got one, but after this business with The Leftovers…

DTZM: …Holdovers…

RTD: …we should probably do a round of NDA’s before we talk about it.

PRODUCER: You can’t be serious, I’m not gonna try to sue you over the topic for an episode of Request Line, that’s just…

DTZM: [waves away the PRODUCER’s objection] DJ 3000 can you prepare the standard NDA agreement; we’ll do an audio-sign?

DJ 3000: ALL SET, COPIES HAVE BEEN EMAILED OUT TO ALL PARTICIPANTS IN THIS CALL. PLEASE CONFIRM AUDIO SIGNATURE.

RTD: Rikki-Tikki-Deadly, audio-sign confirmed.

DTZM: Darkest Timeline Zack Morris, audio-sign confirmed.

PRODUCER: Wait, what the heck is…

DJ 3000: [in the PRODUCER’s voice] [PRODUCER’S NAME], audio-sign confirmed.

PRODUCER: HEY!

DJ 3000: AUDIO-SIGN CONFIRMED FOR ALL PARTIES, PLEASE PROCEED WITH DISCLOSURE.

RTD: I thought we could do “Nationalities”.

PRODUCER: Sure, that works. Seems like it might be a little broad, though.

RTD: The catch is that song titles that simply mention a country are not allowed.  It has to mention a nationality specifically – like “Cambodian” or “Slovenian”.

PRODUCER: Well that should trim things down nicely. Got something to start us off with?

RTD: Sure do.  In honor of all the Mongoloids…

DTZM: …Mongolians…

RTD: …out there, let’s go with long-lost hit from the 80’s by Philip Bailey.

As the music begins playing, DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS rubs the bridge of his nose in embarrassment at RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY’S cultural insensitivity and picks up his iPhone.  He taps a button to end the call, and then as soon as his partner resumes watching the tennis match, opens up an encrypted messaging app and types something out. 

CUT TO: INT. CLOSE-UP OF DJ 3000’S CONSOLE – DAY

A series of words flashes across the screen, which read: “Incoming message from DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS: ‘We need to talk.’”

—

Today’s theme is “nationalities”.  We’re looking for songs whose title specifically mentions a nationality.  Songs that only mention a country’s name ARE NOT VALID REQUESTS. Post links as “https://www.youtube.com/watch?r!PtWB5 and they should embed in the comments after you refresh.  Last week’s puzzle song of “San Jacinto” proved too tricky for anyone to guess, hopefully this week’s clue is a little more manageable.  As they say in South Korea, 파이팅!