Monday Morning Mock Draft: Oh! Canada!

Morning, eh?  Today’s the day of the total solar eclipse.  My son lives in Burlington, VT, right in the path.  We could have gone up and had a free place to stay and see it, but instead I have to deal with two Court hearings, one of them the result of nothing more than a judge on a power-trip scheduling, and refusing to mark off, a hearing in a case that she’s been told is about to settle.

This makes me very angry, and the only sure cure for that is to turn to America’s Hat, our neighboUrs to the North, the politest, “Souriest” people you’ve ever met, those fucking Canucks, our Canadian brethren.

That’s right people, thanks to the fertile, (I assume, anyway), mind of frequent contributor Rikki-Tikki-Deadly, we’re drafting Canadiens this week.  Per the rules that RTD proposed in his proposal you are drafting a Canadian celebrity to serve a specific role for you.  If there’s a Canadian you’ve been dying to have act as your butler, chauffeur, gofer, golfer, masseuse, (am I at 250 words yet? No?), producer, director, actor, well, now’s your chance.

Per RTD you may pick a Canadian to (consensually) serve as your boyfriend/girlfriend/no-strings-attached-eh? fuckbuddy but only one such pick.  Please do not draft the roster for a Canadian gang bang.  Although now that I write that it may become the topic of another (very regrettable) draft.  Also I will add this rule:  whoever you draft you have them for the entirety of their career/life to date.  In other words you can draft Jamie Sale

for your Canadian side piece, and there’s no doubt that she was a stunningly attractive woman back in her figure skating days, but you are getting the entire Jamie Sale experience with that pick.  Bon chance with that, or however you devastatingly polite people say ‘good luck.’

Also, Bobby Orr supports Donald Trump?  That is disappointing, although I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by anything someone who played hockey that long without a helmet thinks.

Once a Canadian has been drafted they are off the board for all purposes.  One person can’t draft Justin Trudeau for, say, fashion advice

and then another draft him as a Halloween costume consultant

although given those two pictures there’s a solid argument that Trudeau shouldn’t be drafted for much of anything.  You can, however, draft different Canadians for the same roles, so there could be multiple Canadian chauffeurs for example, so long as each chauffeur was a different Canadian.

All your Canadian has to be to qualify is Canadian at one time or another.  They do not currently need to be walking the Earth, nor currently residing in Canada.  After some thought on a question I know I will get I am also going to make an authorial decision and allow fictional Canadians as well.

Which brings us to our Commissioner, the RCMP’s finest

Dudley Do-Right.

With the first pick Rikki is going to take John Candy, in the role of Court Jester.  A fine pick.

With the second pick I am taking Canadian native, (but now apparently a fellow Nutmegger, at least part time) (must be the UConn/Yukon Huskies thing), Ryan Reynolds

(the one on the left), as my financial advisor.  Guy’s worth $350 million, (per the arrow you click on where it says “how much is Ryan Reynolds worth” on the internet, which I’m totally sure is accurate and based on only the finest and most well-sourced information), owns a gin company, a phone company, a soccer team you may have heard of, and probably 10-12 other things as well.  I could probably also get some work-out/nutrition tips as well, neither of which I would follow, because I am an American and we don’t do “nutrition.”

Also he acts.

The rest of you are on the clock!

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fleshwound_NPG

brittney hayes (aka brittney slayes) of unleash the archers

who doesnt want a heavy metal canadian milf

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Gumbygirl

One more for me, I have shit to do

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ballsofsteelandfury

Yeah, but is Flair out of bubble gum?

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[checks his pockets for some Bubbilicious] – Eli Manning

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Wait, really?

Gumbygirl

My handsome boyfriend

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WCS

Bubs, or the samsquanch?

Gumbygirl

I’m not sure now. Both!

BugEyedBoo

.

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SonOfSpam

She’d be a good…next door neighbor I guess?

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I was going to pick her but gave up on this draft after I missed Professor Tricia. Had my pick queued up to go but got pulled into a meeting before balls beat me to it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh, that’s a fantastic pick. As long as you don’t mind getting Sean Avery’s sloppy seconds.

ballsofsteelandfury

I think you mean the NHL’s sloppy seconds.

Major Puck Bunny.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I wish those comments had effectively strangled Avery’s career aspirations in media in the crib, but you’ll never guess where he found a home!

He has appeared multiple times in 2021–22 as a guest commentator on the Gutfeld! show on Fox News.

Redshirt

.

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BeefReeferLives

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Gumbygirl

I was going to pick him, but I got distracted.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He was on my board but seems like too much of an unstable asshole to be worthy of a spot on my roster.

BeefReeferLives

Norm MacDonald as my merciless attack dog.

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Gumbygirl

I’m pretty sure that Witch has been Blaired.

BeefReeferLives

Really? I ctl-F’ed & didn’t see it.

Who picked him?

ballsofsteelandfury

Blax. He posted a video without mentioning him in the text. That’s why cntr-F didn’t work.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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BeefReeferLives

Well crapola! There it is. So easy to miss…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlGhWS2D8tU

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

7. Well, it took me all day but I figured out who my Minister of Partying will be (with double duty as a hitting partner from time to time). Could there be a better pick?

(Matthew Perry, btw)

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SonOfSpam

Not sure his return game is as good as Jesus’s

SonOfSpam

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They make the salvation go faster.

SonOfSpam

I need a weed connoisseur.

Tommy Chong.

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Gumbygirl

He’s from the hat? Today I learned…

SonOfSpam

Not here, man.

ballsofsteelandfury

More of a Bonnie McMurray man myself

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Yes, that’s my draft pick

Game Time Decision

Marie Fred for my translator

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ll take Jewel, we’ll become friends.

I don’t mind the poetry or the teeth.

Last edited 7 months ago by BrettFavresColonoscopy
BeefReeferLives

Joni for my troubadour.

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WCS

Overcast and hazy in Yinzburgh.

It was… fine.

Also, here’s my next pick:

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Sarah from Trailer Park Boys.

Brick Meathook

She’d be okay if she didn’t have all those stupid drawings on her skin.

WCS

To each their own.

Senor Weaselo

3. Buddy Cole for tales of depravity, and gay best friend.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

DFO Buddy Cole or KITH Buddy Cole?

Brick Meathook

I know somebody must have drafted outstanding Canadian Neil Young earlier in this draft.

But here’s “Powderfinger” anyway.

This is also a shout out to everyone at the eclipse.

https://ibb.co/By5fPV4

Brick Meathook
Gumbygirl

I did, but Neil belongs to the Universe.

ArmedandHammered

Shoresy as my smoking buddy.

BugEyedBoo

Was clear enough here west of Columbus to see the eclipse. Way cool!

ballsofsteelandfury

Awesome!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s a shame Leonard Nimoy wasn’t Canadian.

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SonOfSpam

The cosmic ballet goes on.

WCS

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