Congratulations to the Florida Panthers. You have placed another nail in the coffin that is The Natural Order.
We’ve covered many times how the Modern Captialist Corporatocracy is not satisfied by mere excellence, but demands infinite growth. Unchecked growth is also one of the definitional characteristics of cancer. Extending the metaphor, the Demands of Capital often result in what I shall call Consumer Tumors. Behold: Icee Cereal
Icee.
Cereal.
If you needed more proof than the Patriot Dynasty that God has turned His face from us- here you go.
It promises a “cooling sensation,” which is exactly what I look for in a breakfast cereal. The list of ingredients is, unsurprisingly, mundane on its face:
Corn flour blend (whole grain yellow corn flour, degerminated yellow corn flour), sugar, wheat flour, whole grain oat flour, oat fiber, contains 2% or less of soluble corn fiber, salt, calcium carbonate, red 40, natural and artificial flavor, blue 1, yellow 6, BHT for freshness.
Apparently horse liniment qualifies as “natural and artificial flavor” now?
OTHER SIGNS THAT WE HAVE LOST THE MANDATE OF HEAVEN
-In an apparent effort to keep their hard-won Middle Age Swiftie fans in the event of a breakup, the Chiefs have joined in an unholy union to produce a Hallmark Channel Christmas movie. “Holiday Touchdown: A Chiefs Love Story” will be shooting in Kansas City and stars among others, Ed Begley Jr.
The article gives a synopsis of what I am forced to refer to as the “plot”, but I invite the Commentariat to speculate freely on what the plot SHOULD be. Mostly I am picturing Rashee Rice crashing a sleigh at 125 mph and Andy Reid eating a life-size chocolate Nativity Scene.
-Despite being an objectively terrible franchise since David Tepper bought it, despite Tepper’s history of fucking over municipalities on sports projects, and despite the lack of relocation threat, the City of Charlotte bent over last night and begged the Panthers to fuck its taxpayers in the ass last night, to the tune of $650 million for “stadium renovations”. Tepper, with a net worth of over $20 billion, will be on the hook for roughly $150 million.
Well, he won’t personally be on the hook of course. I’m sure the obligations will be assumed by a shell company with a name like “Fuckwallet Pancake Ventures, LLC”. Personal liability is soooo 20th Century…
Tangent: whenever I see the name “Tepper” in a football context, I immediately think of Lou Tepper and his disasterous stint as head coach at the University of Illinois in the early 90s. Today I learned that he went 25–31–2. David Tepper, by comparison, is 31-68.
WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:
Fuck if I know. It’s hot. The Holy Shit They Are Over .500 Glorious Beisbol Cardinals are supposed to be playing the Stank Braves, but the forecast suggests otherwise.
Maybe crack a beer and listen to an audiobook. “Unruly” by David Mitchell (of the Are We The Baddies? meme) has been excellent.
