Hello there fellow DFO’er. Hope you’re well today. And thanks for coming back to see last weeks tl;dr of last week as decided by my brain. There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t. Seriously. There isn’t.
This weeks cheesy motivational quote is:
As life runs on, the road grows strange with faces new and near the end, the milestones into headstones change, ‘neath every one a friend’ [in bed].
James Russell Lowell
So, stay away from scotchy?
In golf news, I got my first par on Saturday. Actually two. Both times I had a great drive off the tee, chip on to the green and then two putted for par. Also had a few bogies and a few snowmen, so it all balanced out, but by far my best round ever. Dammit I might be hooked on this whole golf thingy.
As a reminder, Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.
Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.
Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.
Oh, wow, South Korea won the gold in archery.
If the bow-and-arrow were still the height of technology Korea would rule the world.
Horatio Cornblower
It’s their seoul defense
SonOfSpam
Someone on Bluesky called JD Vance ‘Vladimir Futon’ and people, I think we’re done here.
Horatio Cornblower
JD Vance is feuding with Jennifer Aniston, probably because he’s upset that she got between two guys and a couch.
Horatio Cornblower
SORORITY SIS: [is nodding off]
FRAT BRO: Oh, don’t fall asleep on that couch. That’s what JD calls his ‘loveseat’.
SORORITY SIS: Ew! Thanks for the warning, I wouldn’t want that creep touching me at 3 a.m.
FRAT BRO: Oh, he wouldn’t touch you. He’d just yell at you to make like a tree and leave.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
SonOfSpam
Flavor Flavor apparently found out that the US women water polo players have to work outside of water polo so he became a sponsor of the team to help out and, much like the Grinch, my heart has grown three sizes upon hearing this news.
Horatio Cornblower
I like how you use his formal name.
SonOfSpam
Watching this NBC segment on a Romanian swimmer takes me back to 1984…
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Just got back from driving roughly 13 hours round-trip to Maine.
Mrs. Horatio: “My uncle died. The service is on Saturday. In Maine.”
Horatio Cornblower
Did you tell her, what roads to avoid on her drive?
ArmedandHammered
No, because I do not want to attend two funerals this weekend, one of which would be mine.
Horatio Cornblower
Hahaha! Got’em!
That’s Rocking!
rockingdog
Found a funny:
TREBEK: Feel free to ask these diminutive spirits for sexual favors, but don’t say “guten Tag” – – they’re not actually German!
Me: who are the slut gnomes of false berlin
TREBEK: Bizarre little men. You’re still in control of the board
rockingdog
We’re not done with J.D. Vance stuff I hope.
“You know, it’s not so much the actual fucking I like, I’m all about the thrill of the chaise.” — J.D. Vance
Dunstan
As always fuck Aaron Rodgers. May his Achilles snap again as soon as regular season play begins.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Has anyone had both Achilles snap simultaneously?
LemonJello
“I make really good Achilles Snaps”
-J. Dahmer
SonOfSpam
By the end of the week, I will have my flight to hawaii booked. It’ll be my first visit to the hale since closing. The wife went solo in June to hang(?) so this is my chance to (1) regret, and (2) start planning the work on the place and ingratiating myself with the neighbors (“HEY YOU HAWAIIAN GUYS WANT SOME THIS HUNGARIAN GOULASH?”) — and hang(?). When I went out in the spring to shop, it was on the tail-end of a work trip and I was working/fried/doing-my-own-researching hard. Since then, it’s been summer and summer-work bs. Really, I had reserved that I may not make it out until after Christmas but this is cool and I’m glad I can go alone this first visit.
So I’m going to get in a surf lesson. Always wanted to learn. The nearest beach park is APPARENTLY good for beginner waves/spacing. I did see a group of keikis on the waves one of the days I cruised by so that’s kind of something I’m looking forward to doing with my son.
So the boy starts his first day at school (NEW SCHOOL) kindergarten on like a Wednesday. How soon after the first day may I bolt? I figure, fmthat first half-week plus a full-week, I can leave that Friday. Within 8 schooldays I should know if we have a problem (which is not at all expected). Is that adequate parenting or am I absentee fathering here? Either is fine, just want to set reasonable expectations.
blaxabbath
Italian gymnast Giorgia Villa. She’s sponsored by Parmigiano Reggiano which is both amazing and the most Italian thing ever
Doktor Zymm
Gumby had his third round of chemo today. His numbers are good, the oncologist is happy, and said there’s definite improvement. He told him to cut way down on his Lasix, which will be nice at night, because his blood pressure has been running lower than usual. He’s on a three week schedule, so his next treatment is around the 20th or so. Today was a good day.
Gumbygirl
Hey, I want QARon to make it to week one of the regular season and then need to be carted off the field directly to the nursing home.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
I’d rather he get hurt in Week 5 or so, the rest of the Jets fight gamely to keep their playoff hopes alive, then he comes back to tremendous fanfare in Week 16 and throws six interceptions to kill their postseason chances once and for all.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
I’d prefer any scenario where the NFL media completely ignores him for most of the season. Your proposal, while funny, means we’d hear about that insufferable asshole every week just like last year.
Mr. Ayo
Got to say I’m enjoying the spectacle of white people who can go on and on about how they’re Scots-Irish-German-Dutch pretend to be baffled that someone can be both Black and Indian.
But hey, I guess they’re the experts on “race science.”
Dunstan
If they think Kamala isn’t black, I guess they also think Couchfucker’s kids aren’t white, so that’s fun
Doktor Zymm
Don’t judge J.D. Vance’s kids by the color of their upholstery!
Dunstan
No, you should judge them by the polyester content of their stuffing!
LemonJello
The Fuck You to Fifa and the Olympics that the Canadian women are collectively giving is a god damned thing of beauty. It proves 2 things in that Bev Priestman was not a very good coach, and a pointless cheater. I also believe that Jon Herdman did it for our men but he is at TFC now so we shall see what FIFA does. I hope Jesse Marsch did nae do it because we finally sho promise and are hosting the WC in 2 years
Which brings me to the things you could find out droning a practice.
- Formations (just adjust during the game you fuck)
- Starting lineup. Ridiculous that you give a rats ass
- Penalties. Have you heard of watching tape?
So dumb to get caught doing it. Bielsa used to hide in bushes and watch the opposition practice. To quote Delores “Everyone is doing it, why can’t we?”
litre_cola
Furthermore, drones are illegal in France. Who the hell doesn’t look into that when trying to cheat?
litre_cola
Had a chat with my dude that played at lower level English leagues and in the MLS He maintains that-
-attempts at spying occurs on a regular basis in all major soccer leagues
-he was asked to sneak into a practice once (he was kicked out by security)
-it occurred on several teams he played for (not drones but video-taping)
-within the soccer community it was ridiculous/laughable that the Patriots actually got caught
-Canada feeling the need to video an obviously inferior team pretty much proves it was a de rigeur, on-going practice no matter the competition.
/no idea if what he said would stand up to scrutiny
scotchnaut
Submitted for your approval, my balance beam routine:
I approach the beam at a walk, limping on my bad knee. Putting both hands on the beam, I heave myself into the air, bracing my chest and stomach on the beam while using my arms to haul myself up towards the balancing surface.
My legs kick wildly in the air.
Straining my triceps to the point of exhaustion my body pushes up and over the beam, but then keeps going right into my dismount, a fall I like to call ‘the sack of shit’ as I hit the ground on either my left or right side, (gotta keep the judges guessing), before leaping to my feet, throwing my arms in the air and yelling ‘THE ARISTOCRATS!” as loud as I can.
The East German judge gives me a 2.
Horatio Cornblower
My friend’s kid won the gold in the 4 man crew!
Gumbygirl
THIS SWIMMER SUMMER MCINTOSH I CALL HER JOE BIDEN BECAUSE MATT GAETZ IS HAPPY TO TELL ANYONE WHO WILL LISTEN THAT SHE IS TOO OLD.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
I’ve seen the video of the Italian woman quitting the boxing match against the Algerian woman who is now being accused of being trans, and I have the following opinion:
The Italian woman was right to quit, because if you throw a wildly telegraphed right hook while keeping your left down at your hips for reasons known only to yourself and whatever dipshit god you worship you’re going to get repeatedly smashed in the face by anyone with an even rudimentary knowledge of fighting and you’re just going to get hurt.
The trans thing is, of course, just whiny bullshit made up by someone who couldn’t cut it and desperately needs an excuse for why they wasted so much of their lives.
Horatio Cornblower
Welp, the people have spoken:
DFO, meet Coco
I’m calling her microdog the destroyer
Brocky
Ah, nothing like accidentally emailing a personal financial spreadsheet to a client in lieu of an invoice.
THIS GUY RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY I CALL HIM ALEX JONES’ LAWYER…
(not really, she politely informed me that she had noticed the name of the sheet and deleted it without opening it)
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
“Ok, sorry, but why does 53% of your net income go towards vacuum cleaners?”
-Lady, feeling guilty having lied about not opening the file
SonOfSpam
Finally! That 1st Half felt like forever. Can’t believe I got demoted in the DFO Depth Chart and had to go in during the 2nd Half like a common newbie. I used to be somebody in this place, but it’s “what have you done for us lately?”
Redshirt
Wait, there’s a GAME tonight???
ballsofsteelandfury
I mean, in the sense that Play Dough is food.
WCS
“Why is everyone looking at me?”
-Eli, kicking empty cans under his bunk bed
LemonJello
I got a pizza oven for Fathers Day. She is a cruel mistress but once we work out the kinks will be awesome.
litre_cola
As a Bears fan, this post is the first I’m hearing about this preseason game tonight.
BrettFavresColonoscopy
You’ll be able to count the people you’ve heard of that are playing on zero hands
Doktor Zymm
Well that’s a huge relief to Jason Pierre Paul
BrettFavresColonoscopy
Last night, for some reason the missus talked to a door-to-door salesman, trying to sell us extermination services. She told the guy she’d think about it, and to email her the contract. She got the contract in the email, with an account number on it. Now she was worried that we’ve signed up for something, even though she didn’t commit and there’s no signatures on this contract.
So this morning, just to make sure, she called the company to tell them, “I want to make sure that I haven’t been signed up for your services.” She ends up talking to an account rep, and sure enough, this fuckass salesman had signed us up to their service without a signature. Scared the account rep enough that it short-circuited his, “What can we do to keep you as a customer?” spiel. clickety click “This is cancelled, ma’am.” Fraud definitely makes your company look good, Greenix!
BugEyedBoo
Moral of the story: Never talk to anyone
BeefReeferLives
Gumbygirl
Found a funny:
“childless woman” is such a 19th-century-ass insult. what else you got. do I render inferior tallow? do my cabbages grow pale and blemished? does the quality of my sock-darning bring shame upon my father’s name?
rockingdog
“Hey, Phantom Menace is on! I think I’ll watch it for nostalgia’s sake. I doubt it was as bad as…”
(five minutes of terrible dialogue and direction later)
“…and I was mistaken. Plus, I owe Episodes VIII and IX an apology. Compared to this, those scripts are Shakesperean sonnets.”
Redshirt
And now, today’s stupid “Only in New York story”:
Senorita Weaselo met a friend for dinner. Said friend was late because she dropped her phone onto the tracks, so she had to go to the booth and tell the agent to potentially fish it out.
Except she didn’t have to wait as long, because a Good Samaritan got the phone out from the tracks!
Because they saw a free phone for the taking, and if not for the friend being there waiting for the MTA to get it out and saw “Hey, you got my phone out!” they would have gotten away with it!
In conclusion, World’s Worst Good Samaritan.
Senor Weaselo
Learned today that apparently Kamala Harris likes to drink wine from time to time!
🍷
That’s Rocking!
rockingdog
I would much rather have a glass of wine with her than a beer with Trump or Vance. Would be nice to be able to leave my glass uncovered without fear while I went to the restroom for one thing.
Doktor Zymm
THIS KATIE LEDECKY IN THE 800M FREESTYLE THESE PAST FOUR OLYMPICS LEMME TELL YA I CALL HER WHITNEY HOUSTON BEFORE SHE MET BOBBY BROWN BECAUSE SHE HAS YET TO BE BEATEN
fleshwound_NPG
Hi, I just signed up for the 12th spot[in the Lowratio FF league]. I’ve been around since KSK, just never seem to have the time to comment in real time. I remember Seamus and would like to honor him and his freezer vodka (although I just suck it down room temp). And also take part in the Lowratio league and all that entails
Bogdanski
I know a lot of folks here reflect about how this community has got them through some shit so let me get this off my chest. Even though I wasn’t posting, just reading; all your conversations got me through: birth of two kids, MIL dying, mom surviving cancer and all sorts of other events that I know if I had commented there would have been support.
That said, I’ll destroy you all in fantasy football… or more likely limp over the finish line like a water-logged gerbil
Bogdanski
Hi Ladies!
I just heard today from some Fox News pundit that when men vote for a woman it causes them to transition into being a woman, and I know at least some of you voted Clinton in 2016
Doktor Zymm
We’re watching the semi finals of men’s badminton and the shuttle cock jokes are rampant.
“That’s proper cocking!”
yeah right
DR. MRS. DEADLY: [shopping online as she is wont to do] Honey, I kind of want this couch.
RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Okay, JD.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Don T
Big if true!
Doktor Zymm
10 days, 10 days of hacking my lungs out, basically losing my voice, and producing copious amounts of snot. I am exhausted. And raping while having an upper respiratory infection is not the smartest idea, but the only way to cope.
ArmedandHammered
…And raping while having an upper respiratory infection…
Um…
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
“Let me tell you something, when I had COVID, I was grabbing every nurse at the hospital by the pussy.” — Donald J. Trump
“When you’re the President, we let you do it.” — Chief Justice Roberts, writing for the majority
“Fucking right you can! Let’s do a Devil’s Triangle!” — concurring opinion of Justice Kavanaugh
Dunstan
Vaping, why the hell does autocorrect change the v to an r?
ArmedandHammered
*Autocorrect brought to you by Harvey Weinstein
Doktor Zymm
If my daughter were in combat sports I would teach her that if you wind up to throw a very telegraphed right hook and leave your left hand down at your hip for reasons known only to yourself and whatever god you worship, your opponent is going to hit you very hard in the face, and when they do that I better not hear you crying that you quit because your opponent is a dude, actually.
Horatio Cornblower
“If you have a sexual relationship with someone, identity and gender may be important. Otherwise,
Who
The fuck
Cares.”
Exactly this.
Doktor Zymm
The good thing about this is that I can discriminate against Ottomans in both scenarios!
Horatio Cornblower
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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.
Stay busy and safe out there.
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