Whelp, here we are again. As we bid farewell to this deeply insane Year of Our Lord 2024, I think I speak for all of us when I say: “Fuck’em if they can’t take a joke.”
I say this not as a rude dismissal of the credulous, the overly-earnest or (in Dave Barry’s famous words) the Humor Impaired. No, this is more in the way of a prediction, a warning, possibly even a prophecy of the jeremiad persuasion:
As surely as the plant needs the sun, the fish needs water and the Hitchhiker needs his towel- we will all need our senses of humor to survive the coming wave.
We must cultivate our sense of the absurd. We must remember joy. It is the only defense a thinking person has against the realization that we are spinning at incredible speed through emptiness with only a razor-thin layer of air and magnetism between us and near-instant death.
Meditate upon this wisdom:
“We graduated with the highest temperatures in our class!”
NFL News:
-Rex Ryan is expected to interview for the Jets head coaching job. I am in no way exaggerating or speaking in hyperbole when I say I will pay $750 to watch an unedited Hard Knocks documentary of Rex and Aaron Rodgers trying to tolerate each other.
-Speaking of the head coaching carousel, I believe all but one decision has been made regarding who will be getting the Big Boot next week. Here is the update from my previous listing of Coaches in Peril:
- All of the interim coaches (Jets, Saints, Bears) are gone. Not one has shown even a spark of promise, with two (Thomas Brown and Jeff Ulbrich) actively compromising their chances of future employment.
2. Doug Pederson: still gone. I dislike the concept of making a change for the sake of making a change, but 9-8 in a shit division was apparently their ceiling under this regime. This team isn’t getting any better if they run it back, so better to take a swing at whatever McVay Assistant Quality Control coach is next on the list.
3. Brian Daboll: Gone. With the Jets getting a one-year pass (well, 8 games anyway) from the new-hire honeymoon, the media and fans will be hungry for an easy criticism sponge to soak up all that Tri-State Area dissatisfaction with life. Daboll and Joe Schoen are begging to be that target if they stick around. Better to start over and let Brian Cashman be the punching bag for not signing Soto. Daboll seems like another Great Coordinator, Shitty Head Coach guy. He’ll land on his feet in Dallas or something.
4. Antonio Pierce: Hard to say, but I think he stays on a very short leash. The Raiders looked…not horrific…in their last two games. Granted those were against the Jaguars and the Saints, but Mark Davis is eager to seize on any good news, like two-for-one night at The Sizzler. I can’t decide if Harbs is going to sit his starters for the meaningless last game or obey the Call of the Khakis to compete to the utmost in every single game. Regardless, if the Raiders show up, I think Pierce may get an 8 game reprieve.
5. One of the Mikes (McCarthy or McDaniel): Now I’m thinking both may get the boot if Miami doesn’t sneak into the playoffs.
McCarthy is out of his contract. Jerry has been hot-and-cold in his public comments on his head coach, but seems to be running very cold after Philly drubbed them last week and killed a chance to finish over .500.
What I think may seal the casket is a loss at home this week to Washington. The only thing Jerry cares about more than his team’s record (and whores) is JerryWorld. As much as any Roman emperor, he cherishes the palace and monument to himself that he built. That’s why the most extreme reaction we’ve seen from him in years came in response to the Sunlight Problem- underlings dared to suggest there was something Wrong with his stadium as he conceived it.
The Cowboys are 2-6 at home this year, which strikes at Jerry’s ego in two ways. If a stuffy retread like Dan Quinn can bring his one-year turnaround show into Jones’ front yard and embarrass him further?
In Miami, I still think Mike McDaniel is in danger if he doesn’t make the playoffs and Denver does. If they lose to the putrid Jets with their season on the line, even if it’s because Tua is too injured to go, McDaniel will get the blame. And remember what Stephen Ross’s ill-considered pursuit of Denver coach Sean Payton cost him. If Payton pulls off the turn-around for someone else, I think Ross boils over.
